Five Years Later

Dear Dad Nichols:
Everything is so different now. I cannot believe I have not seen your face in five years. Life has continued on as if the world never stopped turning when you left that March afternoon. I am not sure of anything except that I wish you were still here. Your wife and daughters, your grandchildren and great-grandchildren have gone on but you are never far from their thoughts, their heartbeats, their longings. You are certainly never far from mine.

I wonder if you can see me. I wonder if you miss us too but just have a different perspective on everything, in a way that we don't have yet. I wonder if you are proud of me, of us, of the way we have not let your absence overwhelm us to the point where any of us have given up on life. There were days when your family members contemplated it. I saw them struggle through the loss of you in their world and prayed for them all. I want you to know that I have tried to stay present in their lives, never going far, though things have changed. Such is life.

There have been other losses that I am quite sure you are aware of since those who have gone after you are likely sitting right next to you in the grandstand of Heaven, worshipping the King with you, seeing the face of our Beloved Father. It has been immensely difficult to say goodbye to them as well. It was especially difficult for me to love and say goodbye to your brother...the man that held my heart in his hands. But we keep going. We endure because Jesus conquered the grave over 2000 years ago. It changes the end result, though our tears wet our faces today. One day all tears will be wiped away.

I believe that more than I've ever believed anything in my life.

But just so you know, five years later:

(1) Your wife has not aged. She looks like she's 38. Truly beautiful as she always was in your eyes and in all of our viewpoints. She is walking in her call in a way that has yet to be seen. She ministers to so many people, even through her own brokenness at times. I still admire her, as much as I did when I was "wet behind the ears", "with milk on my breath." I still think she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

(2) Your daughters are walking into their callings, despite the way life has tried them. They are learning more and more about God in the midst of the pain they fight through. They are still are my she-roes, just like your wife. They are my sisters and will always be. They couldn't get rid of me if they tried (and sometimes I think they have). I am going nowhere. So they can forget it. I love them too much.

(3) You have a beautiful 4 year old granddaughter that has won my heart in every way. She reminds me of you when she smiles. But she is so much like your wife with her charisma and charm. I cannot wait to see who she will be when she grows up.

(4) Your older grandchildren are becoming adults - more and more independent as the days pass. Nick is larger than life and is such a great man, a great father, a great son. He is striving to be more like you and one day he will be. He admired you so very much. Ari is a mommy and loves her baby more than her next breath. I watch her hold her girl in her arms and I hope one day to hold my own with as much love and protection as she exhibits. Brit is attending college and is finding out who she is as a woman, which is a joy to me as she steps into her future with the gait of a model. Donyell is graduating from high school this year. When I met you all she was only 3 years old and now I watch in awe as she conquers this world. She is destined to run something, to be in charge of something, to impact. Jalan, your best buddy, is a 10th grade football playing gentleman, that has grown up from being the baby to being a great young man. He still reminds me of your daughter...the boy version.

(5) I still live in Port Huron, though probably within 6 months I will be returning home to Grand Rapids where you found me one day - a sullen 19 year old, wondering what my life would turn into. I have written one book, in your memory. You were a great example of what a father is and I wanted the whole world to know that. My second one will be released in early summer.

(6) I work as a foster care worker and a licensing worker, impacting lives and watching mine change before my very eyes. I wish we could still talk about things like we used to. You listened to me and made me feel like my thoughts and my tears and my smiles mattered. I miss having a father in my life.

It was five years today since you went home to be with the Lord. Five years ago, you hugged Jesus as a Friend and Savior. I am so glad that you got to see Him and time has evaporated into eternity. I cannot wait to see Him myself, to see you again, to laugh with you again. Missing you has become the norm for us all now. I cannot say that this will change. You were so important to so many people, so many lives. You were important to me...you are important to me, five years later.

Thank you for still living in my memories.

I love you, Dad.

Mya-Mya