Friday, August 18, 2017

WHO I AM NOW (June 2016 - August 2017)

I literally have not written anything in almost a year.  I abandoned this blog.  I abandoned the books I was working on.  I walked away from anything creative for this past year.  I honestly had no words that could express all the hurt, pain, angst, loneliness, and frustration I was going through.  SO much transpired that I didn't think I should write everything down for the world to see.  It just felt like too much.  What happened to my life just felt entirely too heavy for pen and paper to document.

But now...I am back to putting pen to paper.  Now I am ready to go there, creatively.  After losing so much in the last year, I am ready to speak.

The loss of my uncle was a pain that I cannot begin to describe.

The loss of my marriage is still crazy to me - how everything fell apart and how much I blamed myself in the end.

The loss of the family we were trying to build left everyone reeling and looking for a place to land.

And now, the loss of someone that I loved deeply but shouldn't have loved at all has shaken up what was left of the life I used to have.

So now...I am here.  Where is here, you ask?  I am "here" trying to figure out who I am in this new season of life.  I am trying to discover me because the person I used to be, even a year ago, no longer exists.  She is long gone; in many ways, she died with my uncle.  She left the life she knew; she walked away from everything because the pain was too much to bear.  Some people know parts of the story and where she left it all behind.

But no one knows the whole story.

I doubt I will even tell it.

Some things you just don't want people to know because some of the decisions you make will inevitably change the way people look at you.  It may not be completely fair to those who really love me.  But I cannot tell everything and describe the pain and the mistakes of this past year; I cannot tell people why I made the choices I made because, honestly, I don't know myself.

Is that how life goes?  We don't know why we make the choices we make.  I mean, deep down we know that we have all this pent up feeling and emotion and we are looking for ways to let it all out.  We cannot really given explanation as to every single behavior or decision.  We just know that there is a response we want to give: good or bad, right or wrong.

I gave my response.  And in this new season, as I am reintroducing Myama to Myama, I realize that there are some underlying issues that affected me and caused me to give the responses I gave in the last year.  A lot of people have walked away from me when I needed them the most: pastors, friends, family members, and lovers of the me they all thought I was.  And when I felt like I wanted to kill myself no one really cared.  God Himself gave me the unction to not quit and give up on life.  He reminded me, through the love of my children, that I have more to live for.

But honestly, asking me where I went in the last year and where I have been will produce a response I don't think anyone is ready for.  I will say this: Myama disappeared.  She went underground.  She could not handle the pressure of life.  She was not strong.  She felt all alone.  She still feels that way sometimes...a lot of times.  Myama lost her damn mind for a moment when everything that she thought was stable in her life crumbled around her.

This Myama today is sad and angry sometimes.  She doesn't smile as readily anymore.  She doesn't have the energy to waste time pursuing relationships with people who walked away so she doesn't call as much anymore; she doesn't come around anymore.  She used to be faithful to others and loyal to a fault.  Now, she is a raw person that has some wounds that need to be healed.  She cannot heal anyone else right now.  She cannot be the go-to person for her family anymore.  She cannot be anyone else's savior because she needs a Savior herself.

This Myama still loves deeply but she is afraid of losing anyone else, especially after this year of so much loss.  So she doesn't give herself to anyone else's mission.  She knows she needs to go back to church; she gets tired of people telling her that.  She knows she should let people in but the truth is no one is standing at the door anymore.  And in this wilderness experience, while she is learning more about who she really is in this new season, she doesn't have the energy to beg people to love her.

This Myama is turning 40 in a month and a half.  This Myama asked her sisters, her brother, her friends, anyone to go with her to celebrate her birthday.  This Myama will not go with anyone anywhere because it just isn't meant, and she is tired of trying to build relationships or keep relationships with others who clearly don't want deeper relationships with her.  SO, this Myama has decided to stop and see who will come for her, who will be present, who will love her during this most difficult time in her life.  She is looking for the tallest tree left standing because so many times she was that redwood in other people's lives.

I am not writing this out of complaint.

It is my truth.

I recognize that I am in a new place...a place emotionally and spiritually I have never been before.  I admit that I am afraid and my heart is broken.  I admit that I am not the same person.  I will never be her again.

But slowly, despite the obvious pains and set backs, I am learning to embrace who I am being revealed to be.  In the last year I have made terrible mistakes and excellent decisions at the same time because I am HUMAN.  I am no angel.  I am me.

This is me.

And who I fully am remains to be seen.