Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Lesson Learned

This has been the most life-changing time for me as I have watched the man I have loved secretly for so long battling for his life. I realize that if there is no other lesson to be learned, you should never, ever keep love a secret. You should always tell the people you care about and love how you feel. I can never get back the intimate moments that "my heart" and I shared over the last few weeks. I would never trade it.

But I do wish I had not been so scared and shy around him or him around me. I wish we had told each other instead of our best friends how we felt about each other. I wonder what would have happened if we had just told each other the truth.

I would have married him in a heartbeat.

I would have loved him like tomorrow wasn't promised.

I realize now, it really wasn't.

I would have loved him like tomorrow really didn't matter.

I realize now that it doesn't. All we have is today.

Today, about two hours ago, "my heart" went to be with Jesus. He left this earth. "My heart" is gone, as I posted on my Facebook status and as I told anyone that asked what was wrong.

I love Brian Nichols so very much and I had the chance to tell him, to look in his eyes and tell him before he could no longer respond to me. But how much better would it have been if I had told him when we could have done something about it? How much better would it have been for both of us if he could have done what he said he wanted to do?

He said he wanted to love me, to take care of me, to take care of all the things that make me sad, moody, depressed. He wanted to be my husband. He may have been the father of my children.

But now, on this snowy March day, I realize that he will never be able to do any of that. And I am so hurt. I feel like a woman that missed the only chance I ever had to be loved for real. I know that isn't true, but right now, in a way it is. I missed the chance to love Brian as his wife. The realistic view is that I can't go back and change time, but I can thank God for the moments when no one else was in the room and it was just me and him.

Thank you God that you graced me enough to be loved by such a great man.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Love Found, Love Lost (Almost)

Being in Port Huron has been anything but productive in the romance department. I think I have grown accustomed to not having anyone in my life so I have no idea when love will ever come my way. I have had crushes, have fallen in and out of love with a man that I still think about from time to time, and have ignored others who, for whatever reason or another, have turned me ALL the way off.

But there was always one guy. There was always one man that I looked for at my godparents' church. He made me blush even when he simply looked my way. I stuttered in front of him and sometimes watched in silence as he happened across my path. My heart would beat fast when he would say something to me; a "hi" or a "how are you?" would send me nearly into heart palpitations.

I never once suspected that he felt anything for me at all.

Until now.

Until the day I realized that he may never cross my path again and all we have is right now, this moment.

Until the news was reported that cancer had once again invaded his body, after getting a somewhat clean bill of health.

I have gone to see him everyday, with just the thought in mind that even if nothing could ever be, I would let him know that he is loved. I visit him everyday, sitting near him, napping in his room at my godmother's home where he is now staying. My godfamily, his late brother and sister-in-law, are the family I have loved for 14 years. And now, I am able to say that at least for seven of those years I have loved him.

His best friend reported to this family that he could see me as the woman he wanted to marry, a woman that he could love because of my passion and love for family, a woman that is educated and driven and focused, a woman unlike the others that have crossed his path. All this time I did not know he loved me like I have loved him all this time.

And now it feels like it is too late for us. What if I was meant to be his wife? What if cancer interrupted something so amazingly beautiful that neither one of us were aware could happen? What if he leaves me tomorrow and I never had a chance to hold his hand while we walked on the RiverWalk in downtown Detroit? What if I never had a chance to kiss his lips or hug him close when he felt most lonely? What if I never get the chance to wear a wedding dress and walk down an aisle toward him?

How will my heart break anew?

I thought I knew what it felt to be hurt or disappointed by past boyfriends or men I thought were made for me to grow old with. But this hurt, this disappointment is unlike anything I have ever, ever experienced.

Love was found during the same time that love could potentially be lost.