Sunday, July 31, 2011

Long Time Gone and Now Back....

I guess you can say I went on Sabbatical for a while from life, after dealing with the pain of losing love. I had to take some time to really get my bearings and get refreshed. I now have a new lease on life and a new focus, as the man I love would want. It has not been an easy season but I realize that God has been taking care of me as I give Him my pain and the hurt I have felt. God has been a rich rewarder as I have sought His face. I have actually shut down a few things in my life but now I am ready to return to life as I knew it with a tenacious plan for life.

I am not worried about the things that used to rack my brain because I realize that God is taking care of every little need in my life. I am not worried about life because my life is in His hands. I used to be overly concerned about money, my writing, my publishing books, and relationships in my family. But God has truly taken care of everything when I was on Sabbatical from life letting the grief process do what it had to in my heart.

I am the type of person that has for the most part tried to take care of others at the sacrifice of myself, but for the first time in my life, I have taken care of myself and have taken time that I needed to in order to become the woman I have to be in this hour.

I do miss the man that won my heart in his last days on earth. Yet, I feel his presence in my life, just as surely as I feel the presence of God in my life. He is gone in the body but not in the spirit, and I can move on in life, starting and finishing the work God has declared I must do before it is time for me to "go to God" (as my nephew said at 5 years old when asked what he would do if he were invisible). The reality is I'm supposed to miss his hugs, his smile, the way he stared into my eyes, and loved me silently. I am supposed to struggle sometimes with his absence. This is no coincidence and this is no surprise. He was the man I wanted to marry and now he's physically absent from the wedding.

But I process and recognize the season for what it is, striving to teach others the lessons I too am learning - not to take life for granted and not to miss the chance God gives for love.

So...I am back to writing and art and living and loving. I am back...