Friday, March 29, 2013

Remembrance...of HIM (Yeshua)

I cried this morning on my way to work as I watched the sunrise from car windows giving me a glimpse of the world speeding toward full morning.  These are what tears of joy and gratefulness and remembrance look like, when I think of HIM, this Jesus that the world dares not to believe in.

I thought of all the ways I believe in HIM, and this is the day that I am more aware of HIS Presence, because of what HE did for me.  Who knew that I would need a Savior, that grace is the bread torn representing HIS BODY and the wine poured is HIS BLOOD shed.  The very thought that I could be in the car this morning, driving my safe life to an office building, hoping to make a difference in the lives of HIS babies, was amazing.  HE, who died, gave me life and I am living it and at the time of a sunrise on Good Friday, I am more grateful than I have ever been before.  I am grateful that I can see the sun one more day on this earth, but I am also grateful one day I will gave into HIS face for eternity.

HE will shine on me, and all the pain of this world will no longer matter.  I believe we will remember this journey to grace as a distant memory as love enshrouds us.

I have told others "Thank you" for a variety of gifts and hugs and moments that my life was made easier by something they had done for me.  But, saying "Thank You" to the GOD that created me, that has never once thought me insignificant and in fact, gave my life value when HE laid HIS SON (HIMSELF) down for was almost too much to consider as the tears streamed down and my heart melted.  How can I not be in love with HIM when HE is so clearly in love with me?

HE doesn't care about all the times I lost faith.  HE restored it.

HE doesn't care about all the times I yelled and screamed and fought, acting far less like one of HIS and more like one of those that nailed HIM.  HE quieted me with HIS songs of love and deliverance.

HE doesn't care about the times I made mistake after mistake or just called them mistakes, when I knew good and well that I was doing my dirt on purpose.  HE told me to sin no more and then proceeded to show me how a little bit more everyday.

HE doesn't care that others hate me or mistreat me because HE doesn't measure how HE loves me against how others don't.  HE shows me how to treat them with love as they are because HE does the same for me - never giving up on that love to do the work that physical intervention never could.

HE never once asked those critical ones if loving me enough to die for me was worth it.  HE didn't need their opinion since the GOD that created me thought of me before anyone on this earth ever laid eyes on me.

HE never once judged me according to man's standards; instead, HE held a higher standard up to me and said "I came to give you life, life more abundantly."

So this morning, yes...I cried like a baby when I felt HIM nearer than ever.  I thanked HIM profusely as I considered even in my limited thinking and finite mind how miraculous it was that I even could form the word in my mouth.  HE made this mouth.  And I was so glad that this day ever happened, though it breaks my heart that it had to.  I am still so glad that HE did give up HIS life for me because I don't even think I could give up my life for me, more less anyone else.

This is Good Friday.  A Good God Day, as one of my foster mothers that care for the babies that need love told me once, a day of deep remembrance, the day I was on HIS mind thousands of years ago.  We have a GOOD GOD and if CHRIST hadn't died today, I wouldn't be alive to know it.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


He listens to me rant and rave about the unfair complexities of the world and he agrees with most of it.  I scream "Not fair!" and he listens to me.  That is why I got married.

Not because I now have someone that will agree with me when I am offended, but to have someone challenge me to grow beyond it.

"Be the one that takes away pain from people, not the one that imposes it on them."

I stop short, wonder what he means, and then when he explains, I think that maybe God has sent me someone that sees my heart and doesn't misconstrue my passion for obsessive compulsion.  He sees me as "Care Bear", the name that he has given me - the husband renaming his wife with something more than a last name change.  It made me smile the first time he called me that, when I unveiled my big ol' heart that I want so desperately to hide sometimes because being this passionate about anything can be embarrassing.

"Be the one that takes pain from people, not the one that imposes it on them."

I am not perfect.  He sees that and reminds me that it is okay to not be.  He reminds me that I do not have to live up to other people's standards of living.  The only Person I have to please is God, so it's fine if I need a Savior sometimes.  Everyday.  All the time.  It's okay if I have enemies so long as Jesus is my Friend.  Life wouldn't be worth living if I didn't have someone that used to love me, treat me like Judas treated Jesus.  I'm not Jesus but betrayal is a painful part of being human.

How will I respond? my husband basically asked when he sent me this statement via text today.  Will I be the same passionate person that has the Care Bear heart or will I retaliate with anger or pain or rejection of other people.  He knows that even though I want to put the Care Bear on the shelf, I can't.  Not when my heart aches at the pains of the world at the end of the day.

This is why God sent me him.

Because he, though he proclaims that he is not sensitive, is teaching me that being sensitive is the only way I can survive all that I see and experience on a daily basis.  And my little world is better the more I operate in my lane, the more I shine my Care Bear stare on the world around me.

"Be the one that takes pain from people, not the one that imposes it on them."

Words to live by.   And I thank God for him for reminding me of who I am.

                                                                        "Care Bear Stare!"

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

This Morning...Six Years Later...

This morning I drove in - gray clouds on one side of my car windows' view and a pink rising sun-sky on the other, reminding me of yesterday and today all in one look.  I am singing with all my might to the God that created that sky and that morning and me, all over again but definitely not the same.  I am thinking of this day as it was 6 years ago today, but also what it means today, with my world so upside-down and never conceived of in my mind those many sunrises ago when I could never imagine being or remotely living without my "dad".

I don't want to think of the sad way my heart beat those years back, when there was no brightness to my day awaiting me.  I think instead that he is not so much gone as he is somewhere else, somewhere I'm not physically.  But I am most spiritually aware that when I sing as loud as I am, my voice is reaching up to where he is, where they all are, all the people that ever mattered to me and knew Jesus as Savior before they breathed their last.  He is where my song is flung.  And not only that, he is where my children are now existing in the heart of our Creator.  My "dad" will see my son and daughter before I do, and that gives me so much peace, as I drive in today.

It may sound weird to others that do not believe in God or what He does or what He will always do.  But just like I know the man that went home to be with Him six years ago today is very much alive, my son and daughter not yet manifested physically on this earth exist with God in a place my eyes cannot see.  My body is preparing for their arrival before conception has even taken place.  They live in God's mind and heart, just like I did before I was born.  God knew me before I was ever formed in my mother's womb.  He thought of me then just he thinks of my and Mr.'s children now.

I think of these little ones that will spend time here on earth making an impact and being that seed that will continue to help bruise the enemy's head.  They will live here and be everything God ever intended.  They have parents and grandparents that are praying for them already, and how powerful is that?  How powerful is it to have people praying for your arrival before you are even aware that you have somewhere to be?

Today, I thought of all this, as I sang and thought and prayed.  My destination was not so much an office building, but a place of worship where I could touch those who were here and have gone on, then touch those who have never been here but will be soon.  It didn't matter what I would face today.  Everyday life is not really what we realize anyway.  We live physically but the eternal is all that matters.  And to me that is all that really has my attention.

I thought of a smile that I miss desperately, but feel all the time, like the sunshine I crave for now because winter has lasted too long.  I thought of smiles I have never seen but one day will.  And I sang louder....