This has been the most life-changing time for me as I have watched the man I have loved secretly for so long battling for his life. I realize that if there is no other lesson to be learned, you should never, ever keep love a secret. You should always tell the people you care about and love how you feel. I can never get back the intimate moments that "my heart" and I shared over the last few weeks. I would never trade it.
But I do wish I had not been so scared and shy around him or him around me. I wish we had told each other instead of our best friends how we felt about each other. I wonder what would have happened if we had just told each other the truth.
I would have married him in a heartbeat.
I would have loved him like tomorrow wasn't promised.
I realize now, it really wasn't.
I would have loved him like tomorrow really didn't matter.
I realize now that it doesn't. All we have is today.
Today, about two hours ago, "my heart" went to be with Jesus. He left this earth. "My heart" is gone, as I posted on my Facebook status and as I told anyone that asked what was wrong.
I love Brian Nichols so very much and I had the chance to tell him, to look in his eyes and tell him before he could no longer respond to me. But how much better would it have been if I had told him when we could have done something about it? How much better would it have been for both of us if he could have done what he said he wanted to do?
He said he wanted to love me, to take care of me, to take care of all the things that make me sad, moody, depressed. He wanted to be my husband. He may have been the father of my children.
But now, on this snowy March day, I realize that he will never be able to do any of that. And I am so hurt. I feel like a woman that missed the only chance I ever had to be loved for real. I know that isn't true, but right now, in a way it is. I missed the chance to love Brian as his wife. The realistic view is that I can't go back and change time, but I can thank God for the moments when no one else was in the room and it was just me and him.
Thank you God that you graced me enough to be loved by such a great man.
Thank you.
4 comments:
Love has no voice.. it flows beyond words.. it connects silently with spirit and evolves..magnifying it'self with endless boundaries.. touching silently it's destiny..lifting it to immeasurable heights.. that is what your Love did Myama
Speechless. I'm so sorry for your loss. Words are hard to find during moments like these. I like what Debra posted.
I will be praying for you.
Wow, Mya! I wish I had a closer eye on things. I completely missed your posts on fb, and finally put 2 and 2 together. I am so sorry for your loss. Wow! Many prayers going up.
Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. Life is steadily moving on but the pain I feel is unreal sometimes.
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