My family used to be really close. Every Holiday Season we made our plans to connect at my grandma's house for dinner and to open presents. I looked forward to seeing my cousins, my uncle, my aunts, and my nieces and nephews along with my mom and brother at the home of the woman we adored more than life itself. We would enjoy the delicious turkey, dressing, greens, mac-n-cheese, and other sides. I would secretly hope I had enough room for one of the desserts waiting on my grandma's kitchen counters for someone to dive in. There would be laughter and story-telling and football on television that was barely watched but became the background music to our festivities. And most of all there would be the unity that God shines on in every family.
But now...
Since my grandma's departure from this life and our world three years ago, things haven't been the same. To be honest, we haven't had a real Christmas since she went home to be with the Lord. The Holidays are so hard now because all I can do is think of what used to be and also how lonely I am. I miss being surrounded by my family. I miss the beauty of seeing my grandma's eyes sparkle when she watched her grandchildren and great-grands open presents, sitting around her feet. I miss my uncle's awesome stories and the way my stomach would hurt after laughing so much. I miss snuggling with my mom's older sister and talking about everything under the sun with my mom's younger sister.
Christmas is not the same for so many reasons. And there is this sense that I am nostalgic for a new tradition; I want a husband and children to build a new family tradition with. I even want in-laws to spend the Christmas season with like so many of my friends (have to) do. But for now, I am in a position of waiting for something to change. This is the season of advent and I think that in this time of waiting and reflecting I am truly waiting for love to surface in my life. I want a family more than any gift I could ever be given. That is what I desire, deep down, but I don't really say anything about it when people ask me what I want for Christmas or what I am getting for Christmas. I rarely get gifts anyhow and truly don't care about material stuff (though I would like an iPod).
Christmas used to be a wonderful time for gathering together for my family. I wish more than anything that I could still relish in the light of my family's presence. We all go our separate ways during the Holidays now because it is too hard to celebrate without my grandma. This year will be no different. We won't see each other, though we will call each other on the phone. I may cook but not the extravagant feast like we used to eat. My mom and I will spend the Holidays together without a tree or lights or wreaths decorating our surroundings. There will only be one present - a new place to call home. We are moving to a new house the weekend after Christmas.
But I really wish there was a family filling that home with all the good things that made the Holidays what they were before. I hate to sound so depressing but this is where I am at right now. Every year, as lame as it sounds, I tell myself this will be the last year I will celebrate the birth of Christ without a man in my life, a family to love, a place to belong. But this year, my prayer is still waiting to be answered and I am sad.
2 comments:
It intersting I ran across your post. TD Jakes message yesterday was on a similar topic, waiting on the Lord. To summarize, he stated that sometimes while waiting on God we tend to do nothing, and we look up an another year has passed us by. He used the example of the prodigal son's brother, the faithful one.
I say all of this to say are you being social? Are you creating a space for that special someone?
I am in the same boat but I will leave you this passage Isaiah 54:5. It speaks of the Lord wanting to be our husband.
Just keep the faith. It will come.
Thank you for this response. I needed it - truly! I love the passage you mentioned (the whole chapter). It's just that sometimes this time of year just gets to me because I wonder what I am doing wrong. Perhaps I am not all that social and I want to believe that I am creating a space for that person God intends but maybe the truth is that I am not. I think I have given up on love because I was burned so badly in my last relationship (who hasn't been, right???). But yet I still want love in my life. Thank you for this...Gives me some food for thought...
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