Heart Issues

The morning of Thanksgiving Eve, my oldest sister lost her son in a tragic car accident. He was hit by a car while crossing a major street in Grand Rapids, Michigan. There are few words that can express how heartbroken she is, her family is, I am. I have a pain in my heart that I cannot even begin to describe to anyone else and it makes it hard to even know what to say to her. But I hope beyond hope that his death will not be in vain. I hope beyond hope that he is in heaven, looking down on us with the full knowledge that he is loved here too. And he will be forever missed here on earth.

Heaven

This time of year, I am sure a lot of people think about family, friends, food, and fun. This time of year I tend to think more about Heaven and being there and the people I love that are there. I think about the closeness of Heaven, the love of Heaven, and what it all means to live in the Presence of God. The grandparents and father figures, the children and the cousins that I believe are there experiencing the fullness of God's Presence are all on my mind during this time of year. I don't think of them in a sad way. I think of them in a way that reminds me that one day, the beauty of this time of year will be experienced for all eternity. The continuity and family that this time of year means for so many will be an eternal moment, one day. We will always be aware of God's Presence and the sacrifice of His Son. We will be able to celebrate Christ in a way that we have only touched on here. We will be able to love in a way that can be so fleeting here on earth. I feel Heaven more during this time of year than any other time - perhaps for what it symbolizes. We remember the heartbeat of God more, I think. We remember the love and faith and famiy This is what God desires for us to do year round, but we miss the moment collectively until Thanksgiving and Christmas. God draws near when we draw near those we love. That is why I believe the Sabbath (Sunday, for most) is so important. For that one time during the week, many unite in faith to remember the dictates of faith (even if it is shortlived, even if by Monday, we forget everything we learned the day before, even if the worship we fetlt in our hearts begins to dissipate 24 hours later). In that moment God draws near because we remember what we were put on earth for.

Hmmm...

Soooo...basically, my hard words turned a good relationship into a strained one. But I still don't regret telling the truth. I hope one day to have my sister back but for now, I wrestle with having to live without her. I gravitate between deleting her out of my life and leaving the door open. Really it's her choice. I hope she makes the right one.

It sucks having to be fake with people in order to keep a relationship going. So I decided not to do that anymore. I decided that in order to be for real, sometimes people have to be told the truth about a situation.

Hard Words

A week ago I had to tell someone something that could potentially hurt for eons. I had waited for a long, long time to break the news to her that something in the past may still be existing under the surface in the heart of someone she loves. Then I wondered if I had done the wrong thing because what if I lose her? What if I lose the one person on this earth that has known me and loved me anyway and isn't entirely related to me? What if telling the secret is the most unfair thing I could have ever done?

I second guessed myself all week, not texting her, not calling her after it was all said and done. I wondered if her marriage falling apart would be my fault because I didn't keep the secret.

So what do you do when you love someone and you know something that could break their hearts into a million tiny pieces?

She told her sister later that she wished she didn't know; she wished I hadn't told her.

And now...there is this impenetrable silence from her. I do not know if believing the truth must be told is enough anymore. It does cost a lot to tell the truth. Nobody ever tells you that when you are learning the difference between the truth and lies. Certain truths are costly. The truth Jesus died for on the cross was costly and every day those who are followers and believers have to die their own private deaths for the same cause.

I have wrestled with telling the truth but at the end of the day, even if it means losing someone to the winds of change, I'd rather tell it than sit in silence and watch them be betrayed. I can't live with knowing someone is being lied to over and over.

But still...sometimes I wish I could bury my head in the sand.