Dear Chozen One (A Letter to the Man on the Fringes of My Life, Existing in Silence for Now)

I have thought in many ways how to just pretend that I never heard your voice or saw inside your mind.

I have thought of many ways how to imagine that you are not a small part of my life right now...a life I was living quite fine without you.

I have thought of many ways to release myself from my imagination, erasing your phone number from my cell phone, not texting or calling you only to get no response until you feel like being bothered. It's too early for this. We only just met and you have no right to make me feel like you don't need me.

I met you in a more influential way a month ago. You called me first and I returned the call, even though you thought I would not.

I had never thought about if there was a possibility of an "us" because "she" is still there harassing your very existence. I did not know she was capable of making your life unbearable or of breaking your heart. I did not want to know that you are questioning if the son you all supposedly had together was actually yours or if he belonged to your once-upon-a-time friend. I didn't want to know.

But then we went to the movies after a few phone conversations, and I realized that you may be closer to what I really want than I dared to admit.

I knew she was going to make your life a living hell, as you all spiraled through court filings and lawyers and the end of a marital contract. I knew she was going to give one final blow to your heart, and all you wanted was for it to be over. You wanted your life back.

But now...you don't call because you do not want to mix the old with the new. You do not want the new life you could build with me in it with the life you had with this woman that quite possibly never loved you.

I apologized to you on Saturday because she is less than a woman for all the things she put you through. I wanted you to admit that you also opened the door to heartache when you married her anyway, those few years ago, even when you knew she was a nutcase. I want to believe it is because you wanted to be a real man for her, though I am convinced that she did not deserve you.

I told you that I wanted to be cautious when speaking about her because I did not know her and she is the mother of your son (whether he is yours remains to be seen and even if he is not, you are his legal father according to the law). You said you knew you would have to be bothered with her at least until your son is 18. She would never be completely gone. That is a long time, and I pondered even as you spoke those words if I really should be involved with you after all. I want nothing to do with her, if we are going to give a friendship and a deeper relationship a try after you are legally done with her.

I want to be separate. But how separate from you and your drama do I want to be? Am I really willing to wait for you?

The truth is...I looked into your eyes. I heard your voice. I saw how your mind works. And I may not want to just give you up just yet. Maybe I should just stick around and see what the end will be.

Revolution!

I attended the church of my former youth pastor and loved every second of it. By far it is one of the best churches in my hometown. I felt right at home, truly. If you are ever in Grand Rapids, Michigan be sure to stop by Revolution Christian Ministries.

The service was just what I needed and I walked away so refreshed. I hate to say it but my home church here in Port Huron doesn't really make me feel that way. It's a good church but I don't feel really challenged by the culture there. I wish I could move back to GR just so I could be a part of the Revolution...

I've Been Tagged Too

You've been tagged in this note so now you have to answer these questions by copy/pasting into a new note and tagging 20 of your friends. Do your worst!

1. Describe your worst date?
The guy begged my friend to hook us up and when I finally consented to a date he walked me around Eastown (in Grand Rapids, MI) and then after talking my ear off took me home without taking me out to eat. Wow. And I like to eat. And real dates should consist of food or even water. That was our last date. Because I like to eat. And apparently he doesn't. Or he was on a " full fast." Whatevs...

2. Who was your worst girlfriend/boyfriend?
All of the boyfriends I had left something to be desired. Except ______. We were supposed to get married but it just didn't work out.

3. What was your worst subject in school?
Math

4. Describe the worst job you ever had?
Residential assistant at St. John's Home (residential home for teens).

5. Who was the worst friend you ever had?
I have never had any really bad friends.

6. What was your worst sexual experience?
No comment. Because I shouldn't have been involved in a good or bad one since I'm not married. And it's no one's business if I did. Which I am not saying that I did or didn't.

7. What was your worst parenting moment?
No kids.

8. Where was your worst vacation?
Haven't had one yet. Not a real one anyway. I usually say I am on vacation when I don't want to be bothered and do not want anyone to ask me to do anything.

9. Who is the worst role model in your life?
No one.

10. What is the worst lie you ever told?
I don't lie...OOOPS...that was my worst lie.

11. What is the worst thing you ever considered doing or did do?
I plead the fifth because if I answer it will change how people view me. HA!

12. What is the worst food you ever tasted?
These chicken wings I had on Saturday at a restaurant in Holland, MI that a friend and I went to. They weren't done all the way and I immediately sent those bad boys back. UGH!

13. What is the worst cell phone service?
Nextel.

14. Where is the worst place to live?
Hell! or The projects. Then again what's the difference? (Ditto, Talulazoeapple!!!!) I don't plan on living in either one. EVER.

15. What is a fate worst than death?
I don't think there is one.

Famous Friend

My friend Tashara (the mother of Josiah, whose pics graces earlier posts) was on Oprah last Friday as part of a group of women talking about their marital sex lives. She always manages to make her way onto television (her last appearance was on a designed to sell home improvement show). I thought it was great that she said she wants her husband to be dominant in the bedroom.

Maybe when I get married, I can tell a television viewing audience that I like my husband to show me who's boss in the bedroom. Or not. At any case, I bet her husband got a kick out of hearing that his wife enjoys his rambunctious side while in throes of passionate lovemaking. If he didn't...I did.

I just love my friend...she tells it like it is.

If you didn't see the show, check out the interview on Oprah.com entitled "What Women Really Want" and hopefully you'll be able to find her. There were only two black women on the panel and she is the one sitting closer to the camera on the "front row".

50 Words (copied from FullComplexity)

I thought this was pretty cool to try. Here goes:


1. Beer: An acquired taste, but not a refined taste
2. Food: Comfort
3. Relationships: Change according to the season
4. Your CRUSH: Don't have one anymore
5. Power Rangers: Wierd attire (whole body suits?)
6. Life: We only have one
7. The President: The World's Most Powerful Black Man
8. Yummy: Sunrises with a cup of Biggby Chai in front of Lake Huron
9. Cars: Freedom to Sing as Loud as I Want (even if other drivers stare at me)
10. Movies: Going to one tonight with a new guy-friend
11. Halloween: Most demonic night of the year
12. Sex: Female
13. Religion: The opposite of a Relationship with God
14. Hate: The opposite of Love
15. Fear: The opposite of Faith
16. Marriage: The Best Ministry of All
17. Blondes: My Twin Sister Toya and My Niece Brooklynn
18. Slippers: Comfy after walking in heels all day
19. Shoes: Time to buy some new ones
20. Asians: Culturally Sound
21. Past time: Reading Great Books
22. One night stand: What I will have every night with my husband
23. My cell phone: Needs an upgrade (In a major way)
24. Smoke: ...from incense unfurls...
25. Fantasy: Dreams that could one day come true
26. College: A necessity
27. High school life: Wonderful friends and great parties
28. Pajamas: My god-daughter's footed pjs with Dora the Explorer are so cute on her. Makes me want a pair on cold nights
29. Stars: Makes me introspective as I gaze at them; makes me look up when I feel down
30. Center: God
31. Alcohol: Stings on an open cut
32. The word love: What I need more than money, food, my next breath
33. Friends: Necessary to life
34. Money- Seed for sowing
35. Heartache: Results from other people's tendency to be self-centered
36. Time: Is winding up
37. Divorce: A curse on the family
38. Dogs: I want one named Malcolm.
39. Undies: Nobody's Business but MINE
40. Parents: The closest people to love or hurt you
41. Babies: I want one soon
42. Ex: The Ex-Factor (song by Lauryn Hill)
43. Song: Psalm 23 (India.Arie)
44. Color: Yellow
45. Weddings: Beautiful, makes me euphoric
46. Pizza: Deep-Dish, Chicago Style
47. Hangout: Barnes and Noble
48. Rest: I need some - away from other people's problems preferably
49. Goal: Fulfilling the Mission that I came to fulfill
50. Inspiration: The voice of God