Dear Chozen One (A Letter to the Man on the Fringes of My Life, Existing in Silence for Now)

I have thought in many ways how to just pretend that I never heard your voice or saw inside your mind.

I have thought of many ways how to imagine that you are not a small part of my life right now...a life I was living quite fine without you.

I have thought of many ways to release myself from my imagination, erasing your phone number from my cell phone, not texting or calling you only to get no response until you feel like being bothered. It's too early for this. We only just met and you have no right to make me feel like you don't need me.

I met you in a more influential way a month ago. You called me first and I returned the call, even though you thought I would not.

I had never thought about if there was a possibility of an "us" because "she" is still there harassing your very existence. I did not know she was capable of making your life unbearable or of breaking your heart. I did not want to know that you are questioning if the son you all supposedly had together was actually yours or if he belonged to your once-upon-a-time friend. I didn't want to know.

But then we went to the movies after a few phone conversations, and I realized that you may be closer to what I really want than I dared to admit.

I knew she was going to make your life a living hell, as you all spiraled through court filings and lawyers and the end of a marital contract. I knew she was going to give one final blow to your heart, and all you wanted was for it to be over. You wanted your life back.

But now...you don't call because you do not want to mix the old with the new. You do not want the new life you could build with me in it with the life you had with this woman that quite possibly never loved you.

I apologized to you on Saturday because she is less than a woman for all the things she put you through. I wanted you to admit that you also opened the door to heartache when you married her anyway, those few years ago, even when you knew she was a nutcase. I want to believe it is because you wanted to be a real man for her, though I am convinced that she did not deserve you.

I told you that I wanted to be cautious when speaking about her because I did not know her and she is the mother of your son (whether he is yours remains to be seen and even if he is not, you are his legal father according to the law). You said you knew you would have to be bothered with her at least until your son is 18. She would never be completely gone. That is a long time, and I pondered even as you spoke those words if I really should be involved with you after all. I want nothing to do with her, if we are going to give a friendship and a deeper relationship a try after you are legally done with her.

I want to be separate. But how separate from you and your drama do I want to be? Am I really willing to wait for you?

The truth is...I looked into your eyes. I heard your voice. I saw how your mind works. And I may not want to just give you up just yet. Maybe I should just stick around and see what the end will be.