Ten Things I Never Thought Would Happen

I will be 32 in less than a month...imagine that... Time flies when you are having...fun...

In celebration of nearly 32 years of life I would like to compile a list of things I definitely didn't plan on by the time I reached 32.

I never thought...

(10) I'd be THIS chubby. (As one of my older cousins said to herself when she began the BWS - Black Women's Spread - "HAS IT COME TO THIS?") And go figure, I haven't had babies yet. BWS ususally happens AFTER children. Apparently, I am in trouble...apparently I am jumping the gun.

(9) I'd be living with my mother - AGAIN. Her wearing muu-muus around the house are seriously a scary, yet hilarious sight. My next question is, will that be me in another 32 years?

(8) I'd be living in a town lamer than the one I grew up in. I have literally seen tractors being driven down main throughfares and have had to shake my head in disbelief. I also have shaken my head at the number of restaurants that close at 9 on a Saturday night.

(7) I'd be single, not any closer to marriage than I was at 16, and fighting off the advances of married men...some being the husbands of some of my friends (or used-to-be friends). Must have a sign on my forehead or on my t-shirt or on my car's license plate. They are coming out of the woodwork like roaches.

(6) I'd be raising the child of my older brother rather than my own child. I think I may be too tired when it's time for my own hard-headed 16-year-old. Especially if the clothes get littler, skimpier, sexier. My child will be wearing a garbage bag if trends keep going the way they are going.

(5) I'd have to plan for vacations months in advance just to cancel them because the money I had saved for the occasion sprouted wings and took flight. It seemed like when I was younger, money was in unlimited supply...especially when it was somebody else's...

(4) I'd get my hair done every three months or so instead of every weekend (like I had planned). Now, I just make the "do" do what it wants to do. Scary thought, huh? It's mostly combed every day.

(3) I'd beg to go on "What Not to Wear" just so I could replace my wardrobe with a whole new one. Still trying to figure out how to pretend like I would be soooo surprised that one of my (great, wonderful, sensitive, and caring) friends recommended me for the show since technically I can't recomend myself.

(2) I'd no longer be the fun aunt my nieces and nephews used to adore (or at least like to be around). Maybe they were just being kind...maybe I wasn't that fun to begin with...

(1) I'd be so ornery and creaky...like a little old lady...joints popping when I get out of a sitting position or when I climb stairs.


And now, here's the flip side...then things I never imagined I would be doing.

I never thought I would enjoy:

(10) Going to the gym, to get rid of all this...stuff...and there is a lot of...stuff...

(9) Eating salad instead of chocolate.

(8) Telling myself that I would be okay if I wasn't a size six ever again in life.

(7) Dancing to the latest jams using old school moves (like my mom used to do). And how I (my nieces) would laugh at her (me).

(6) Being such a goody-goody. The piercings have closed, the hair is all one color (mostly), and the tight jeans have been shipped off to Goodwill since the tightness uncomfortably squeezes my thick thighs. It's not as fun as it looks, fellas, to smash all this into that.

(5) Listening to jazz instead of hip-hop and rap as my music of choice. Don't get me wrong I do like some bass and bounce in my car but when I am chilling, I love to chillax to the jazz station. Go figure.

(4) Telling stories from "back in my day..."

(3) Going to church more than I enjoy going to a nightclub. Who would have thunk it? The girl that used to hit the floor with her girls on a Friday night now would prefer an open mic night for singles at a church called Revolution?

(2) Going to art shows, poetry readings, and movies alone. I used to invite people to go with me, but the older I get the more I prefer the pleasure of my own company.

(1) Enjoy my relationship with Jesus more than the day before. As a teen I didn't think it could be any more carefree than it was then. But now...