We think we are barren when the seed that we hoped would be planted inside at the time we hoped does not come to fruition. I thought the issue I struggled with was barrenness and infertility - both naturally and spiritually. But it never was. That has never been the issue. My body is ready. I am ready.
There is so much to living a new life in a new year that we don't often understand. It is not about plans or resolutions or goals. I do not have any this year, in terms of what I will do different or better. I have realizations and revelations this year. The first is that my life is not my own. My time is not my own. A new life within is Christ and His Presence and not simply this baby I am longing to hold. His life is exchanged for my life. When I accepted Him as Lord and Savior, His life replaced my own (Myowne) and whatever happens (no matter when) is up to His divine timing. Whether the timing demands that I fight or stand or be strong in faith with reliance on Word, it is determined by Him and not by me.
Yes, we can speak things. Yes, we can believe and hope for things. That is the result of the new life beating and pulsing within. But the truth is, the life we now live is not our own and He does what He will according to His own divine timing. Our responsibility is to be aware of it and to live out the reality of it.
I have not been doing that; I have accepted the whisper from the enemy that says I will never give birth to my own child. I have believed him because the melodramatic side of me believes that I have done so much wrong in my past that something as big as being a mother to God-graced children is not destined for my future. How could I be a good mother when I am such a damaged woman - a woman with scars? I am not talking about simply carrying and birthing another human being. Where I spend 40 hours a week of my time, I am all too familiar with the human nature of conception and birth and bad parenting. I am talking about mothering a member of the next generation and doing it well. Doing it so well that the child grows up and declares freedom to enslaved nations or changes the trajectory of life with the power of God. That child. One of the many meant to make a difference even in the smallest of ways.
Secretly, I thought I must be barren - that my womb cannot be the place where life can develop. What I was reminded of this morning is that there is life within me - a life that is not my own. And He lives. And if He can live there, how can another human NOT? How can a baby not, if the Creator and King of the Universe chooses to make his abode with me in the highest of dimensions? If He can live here and develop His life in me, then the path has been made clear and I am fruitful.
My life is not Myowne.
It belongs wholly to Him.
And everything that must come forth from it must come from Him, in His timing. It is not up to me or my husband or a doctor at a fertility clinic or all the wishes in the world that will bring new life into being this year. It is up to the Jesus that gave His life for me and now has decided to allow His Spirit to live through me.
I did not think of this while I was accepting a closed womb. But I know now that my womb isn't closed. My ability to bring forth is not denied.
I am not barren.
And His timing is perfect.
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