I decided to write a book the day our story ended. This man that changed my perspective and turned my world upside down, is now the main feature and a silent main character in my new book. I won't give much about the book away but I decided after much deliberation that I had to tell another story about the life I am living now and the impact his presence in my world made.
I have two amazing photographers that worked with me on this book and I have to say that this book would be just another written work that would leave the reader wondering what the characters looked like, felt like, etc. But God really impressed on me to utilize the visual representation through art and music how my life was transformed. The impact was felt in more than a verbal or literary way. The impact was felt in what I saw, what I listened to, and where I went. I wanted all of it documented. It is more than a book of essays.
It is a road map to a a journey we all at one point or another have to embark upon when faced with the loss of someone we love.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
The Photographer
Last night I sat down with one of the most creative and amazing photographers that I have had the benefit of meeting and getting to know. I have seen him around town, taking pictures at various events and parties, and I wondered who he really was and where he had really come from. I mean, yes, we all come from a physical place. We are all born somewhere after being conceived like every other human that has walked the earth. But the part of us that is not created from dividing cellular molecules, is the part that is birthed somewhere else, truly conceived in the mind and heart of God.
What part of God did he come from?
Then I attended a Photo Party, invited by a friend of mine, and he was the photographer. Of course, I knew that, as the friend that invited me is his cousin. I knew that he would be taking the pictures of the women that were there, hoping to feel beautiful for just one night.
I went and participated in what was probably the best night I'd had in a long time. I did feel physically beautiful. There was a professional make-up artist, all kinds of backdrops and chairs, poses and lights. I felt like a model (albeit, a plus sized model), and the pictures turned out gorgeous. While taking pictures was great, I was more interested in seeing the man behind that camera. I took the opportunity at that event to get to know him. I had made a declaration that I would not let another chance to meet and get to know amazing people slip by me. I had done that already and paid a great price for it that I can never undo. That is the point of the third book that I am getting ready to publish, but I will get into that in a later post.
I met with him last night, a couple weeks after the party, to discuss a proposal for a photography session for said book, and we ended up talking for a little more than two hours about art and writing, his career as a photographer and my career as a social worker/writer/artist. I was able to pick his brains about his "obsession" as he called it and now I have dubbed it. He is obsessed with taking pictures, capturing moments, making art. When I thought about what he does in relation to what I do as a writer and an artist, I am so totally not where I should be in terms of emotional investment.
I think I have lost that "thing" that made the magic come alive. I have been too busy trying to subdue the creativity within.
His very words of calling what he does an obsession challenged me to take a look again at what used to be my heartbeat, my breath, my life. I was a girl that never went a day without writing or drawing something just because. I did not go without reading a book, getting lost in words and imagination. I sang every day. I looked for the poem in the mundane. I sought out the music in the mediocre.
He said he has an obsession.
I am just starting to wake up to the real identity of who I am meant to be. I am meant to be obsessed with something greater than myself - first starting with God and then ending with the purpose He put inside me to make a lasting impression in the universe. What's the point of living if you never leave a mark? What's the point of inhaling and exhaling if no one knows you have creative breath in your body? Your whole existence breathes when you create something, when you pour out of yourself, when you manifest the dream of what God intended.
The book I read during my time with God this morning talked about purpose, about staying within God's purpose for my life no matter what. I thought I was obsessive about the written word, about drawing for the sake of feeling the pencil slide across the manila paper, about sculpting clay into beauty. I think now I was only obsessive about talking about it and had shied away from actually jumping in so deep that wave after wave after wave of God's creativity washes over me again.
I was not getting up and going out to see the sunrise, just to take the newness and transform it into a poem or a painting. I was not pulling over to the side of the road to capture the essence of the scenery that demands that I stop and take pause at the world God has created for us to enjoy. I was not stopping the work of getting through the dangerous monotony of JUST making the donuts, JUST earning money to pay bills, JUST tolerating life while knowing life is really just passing me by. I was not doing the very thing that made my childhood fertile soil for growing up - those things that kept me alive when everything around me was dying.
He said he has an obsession.
He said he has to take pictures. Sometimes he gets tired of taking pictures of people, so he has the inner discipline (I believe) to always pay attention to what is going on around him. He isn't just hustling this thing - making money or rather letting the money make him. That would cause him to lose the "thing" that is giving him the motivation to lift that camera one more time. He is becoming who he always was, even when he didn't know it. But God knew it. And now he is flowing in it.
We are all blessed because of it.
So what part of God is he?
If we are part of Him, created in His image, then we bring a special part of Him with us when we grace this earth with our physical presence. This photographer is the part of God that is so needed in this earth.
He is the part of God that sees what is deeper than the superficial reality we all co-exist in. He has God's eyes. He looks at the forms around him - human, animal, plant - sometimes clothed in the finest of coverings and sometimes in the rawest of forms and captures it all before it escapes back into the matrix. Those eyes pull out the details of raw emotion - fear, anger, sadness, hurt and transform them into the beauty, truth, joy, and grace we overlook. Sometimes, it is too much to look at; most of the time you fall right in to the vision as he sees it.
I like that he is not able to confine himself into a mode of being just one kind of photographer. His dexterity with the camera reminds me that artists, writers, musicians, and really any creative being cannot afford to be afraid in this day and age of being anything less than free in their craft and abilities. Our talk made me go home and re-think what I have allowed myself to be transformed into it.
I know how to DO creativity - put on that creative flair. But have I lost how to BE the very essence of spirit, of creativity? Have I lost me along the way, bordering the fence of true ability/raw talent and commercialism?
He HAS to capture the life that we all take for granted, so we will learn to look closer. I think deep within him is this passionate heartbeat for the mystery underlying the accepted fantasy we call living, and he has an eye that has always been able to REALLY see the things the rest of us have grown immune to.
I have no doubt that he will be able to make my book come alive, make my words spring to life. The pictures will tell the story of the words that tell the story of the life that is a living story written and read of men.
"And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness." Genesis 1:3-4
What part of God did he come from?
Then I attended a Photo Party, invited by a friend of mine, and he was the photographer. Of course, I knew that, as the friend that invited me is his cousin. I knew that he would be taking the pictures of the women that were there, hoping to feel beautiful for just one night.
I went and participated in what was probably the best night I'd had in a long time. I did feel physically beautiful. There was a professional make-up artist, all kinds of backdrops and chairs, poses and lights. I felt like a model (albeit, a plus sized model), and the pictures turned out gorgeous. While taking pictures was great, I was more interested in seeing the man behind that camera. I took the opportunity at that event to get to know him. I had made a declaration that I would not let another chance to meet and get to know amazing people slip by me. I had done that already and paid a great price for it that I can never undo. That is the point of the third book that I am getting ready to publish, but I will get into that in a later post.
I met with him last night, a couple weeks after the party, to discuss a proposal for a photography session for said book, and we ended up talking for a little more than two hours about art and writing, his career as a photographer and my career as a social worker/writer/artist. I was able to pick his brains about his "obsession" as he called it and now I have dubbed it. He is obsessed with taking pictures, capturing moments, making art. When I thought about what he does in relation to what I do as a writer and an artist, I am so totally not where I should be in terms of emotional investment.
I think I have lost that "thing" that made the magic come alive. I have been too busy trying to subdue the creativity within.
His very words of calling what he does an obsession challenged me to take a look again at what used to be my heartbeat, my breath, my life. I was a girl that never went a day without writing or drawing something just because. I did not go without reading a book, getting lost in words and imagination. I sang every day. I looked for the poem in the mundane. I sought out the music in the mediocre.
He said he has an obsession.
I am just starting to wake up to the real identity of who I am meant to be. I am meant to be obsessed with something greater than myself - first starting with God and then ending with the purpose He put inside me to make a lasting impression in the universe. What's the point of living if you never leave a mark? What's the point of inhaling and exhaling if no one knows you have creative breath in your body? Your whole existence breathes when you create something, when you pour out of yourself, when you manifest the dream of what God intended.
The book I read during my time with God this morning talked about purpose, about staying within God's purpose for my life no matter what. I thought I was obsessive about the written word, about drawing for the sake of feeling the pencil slide across the manila paper, about sculpting clay into beauty. I think now I was only obsessive about talking about it and had shied away from actually jumping in so deep that wave after wave after wave of God's creativity washes over me again.
I was not getting up and going out to see the sunrise, just to take the newness and transform it into a poem or a painting. I was not pulling over to the side of the road to capture the essence of the scenery that demands that I stop and take pause at the world God has created for us to enjoy. I was not stopping the work of getting through the dangerous monotony of JUST making the donuts, JUST earning money to pay bills, JUST tolerating life while knowing life is really just passing me by. I was not doing the very thing that made my childhood fertile soil for growing up - those things that kept me alive when everything around me was dying.
He said he has an obsession.
He said he has to take pictures. Sometimes he gets tired of taking pictures of people, so he has the inner discipline (I believe) to always pay attention to what is going on around him. He isn't just hustling this thing - making money or rather letting the money make him. That would cause him to lose the "thing" that is giving him the motivation to lift that camera one more time. He is becoming who he always was, even when he didn't know it. But God knew it. And now he is flowing in it.
We are all blessed because of it.
So what part of God is he?
If we are part of Him, created in His image, then we bring a special part of Him with us when we grace this earth with our physical presence. This photographer is the part of God that is so needed in this earth.
He is the part of God that sees what is deeper than the superficial reality we all co-exist in. He has God's eyes. He looks at the forms around him - human, animal, plant - sometimes clothed in the finest of coverings and sometimes in the rawest of forms and captures it all before it escapes back into the matrix. Those eyes pull out the details of raw emotion - fear, anger, sadness, hurt and transform them into the beauty, truth, joy, and grace we overlook. Sometimes, it is too much to look at; most of the time you fall right in to the vision as he sees it.
I like that he is not able to confine himself into a mode of being just one kind of photographer. His dexterity with the camera reminds me that artists, writers, musicians, and really any creative being cannot afford to be afraid in this day and age of being anything less than free in their craft and abilities. Our talk made me go home and re-think what I have allowed myself to be transformed into it.
I know how to DO creativity - put on that creative flair. But have I lost how to BE the very essence of spirit, of creativity? Have I lost me along the way, bordering the fence of true ability/raw talent and commercialism?
He HAS to capture the life that we all take for granted, so we will learn to look closer. I think deep within him is this passionate heartbeat for the mystery underlying the accepted fantasy we call living, and he has an eye that has always been able to REALLY see the things the rest of us have grown immune to.
I have no doubt that he will be able to make my book come alive, make my words spring to life. The pictures will tell the story of the words that tell the story of the life that is a living story written and read of men.
"And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness." Genesis 1:3-4
Monday, March 5, 2012
Five Years Later
Dear Dad Nichols:
Everything is so different now. I cannot believe I have not seen your face in five years. Life has continued on as if the world never stopped turning when you left that March afternoon. I am not sure of anything except that I wish you were still here. Your wife and daughters, your grandchildren and great-grandchildren have gone on but you are never far from their thoughts, their heartbeats, their longings. You are certainly never far from mine.
I wonder if you can see me. I wonder if you miss us too but just have a different perspective on everything, in a way that we don't have yet. I wonder if you are proud of me, of us, of the way we have not let your absence overwhelm us to the point where any of us have given up on life. There were days when your family members contemplated it. I saw them struggle through the loss of you in their world and prayed for them all. I want you to know that I have tried to stay present in their lives, never going far, though things have changed. Such is life.
There have been other losses that I am quite sure you are aware of since those who have gone after you are likely sitting right next to you in the grandstand of Heaven, worshipping the King with you, seeing the face of our Beloved Father. It has been immensely difficult to say goodbye to them as well. It was especially difficult for me to love and say goodbye to your brother...the man that held my heart in his hands. But we keep going. We endure because Jesus conquered the grave over 2000 years ago. It changes the end result, though our tears wet our faces today. One day all tears will be wiped away.
I believe that more than I've ever believed anything in my life.
But just so you know, five years later:
(1) Your wife has not aged. She looks like she's 38. Truly beautiful as she always was in your eyes and in all of our viewpoints. She is walking in her call in a way that has yet to be seen. She ministers to so many people, even through her own brokenness at times. I still admire her, as much as I did when I was "wet behind the ears", "with milk on my breath." I still think she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.
(2) Your daughters are walking into their callings, despite the way life has tried them. They are learning more and more about God in the midst of the pain they fight through. They are still are my she-roes, just like your wife. They are my sisters and will always be. They couldn't get rid of me if they tried (and sometimes I think they have). I am going nowhere. So they can forget it. I love them too much.
(3) You have a beautiful 4 year old granddaughter that has won my heart in every way. She reminds me of you when she smiles. But she is so much like your wife with her charisma and charm. I cannot wait to see who she will be when she grows up.
(4) Your older grandchildren are becoming adults - more and more independent as the days pass. Nick is larger than life and is such a great man, a great father, a great son. He is striving to be more like you and one day he will be. He admired you so very much. Ari is a mommy and loves her baby more than her next breath. I watch her hold her girl in her arms and I hope one day to hold my own with as much love and protection as she exhibits. Brit is attending college and is finding out who she is as a woman, which is a joy to me as she steps into her future with the gait of a model. Donyell is graduating from high school this year. When I met you all she was only 3 years old and now I watch in awe as she conquers this world. She is destined to run something, to be in charge of something, to impact. Jalan, your best buddy, is a 10th grade football playing gentleman, that has grown up from being the baby to being a great young man. He still reminds me of your daughter...the boy version.
(5) I still live in Port Huron, though probably within 6 months I will be returning home to Grand Rapids where you found me one day - a sullen 19 year old, wondering what my life would turn into. I have written one book, in your memory. You were a great example of what a father is and I wanted the whole world to know that. My second one will be released in early summer.
(6) I work as a foster care worker and a licensing worker, impacting lives and watching mine change before my very eyes. I wish we could still talk about things like we used to. You listened to me and made me feel like my thoughts and my tears and my smiles mattered. I miss having a father in my life.
It was five years today since you went home to be with the Lord. Five years ago, you hugged Jesus as a Friend and Savior. I am so glad that you got to see Him and time has evaporated into eternity. I cannot wait to see Him myself, to see you again, to laugh with you again. Missing you has become the norm for us all now. I cannot say that this will change. You were so important to so many people, so many lives. You were important to me...you are important to me, five years later.
Thank you for still living in my memories.
I love you, Dad.
Mya-Mya
Everything is so different now. I cannot believe I have not seen your face in five years. Life has continued on as if the world never stopped turning when you left that March afternoon. I am not sure of anything except that I wish you were still here. Your wife and daughters, your grandchildren and great-grandchildren have gone on but you are never far from their thoughts, their heartbeats, their longings. You are certainly never far from mine.
I wonder if you can see me. I wonder if you miss us too but just have a different perspective on everything, in a way that we don't have yet. I wonder if you are proud of me, of us, of the way we have not let your absence overwhelm us to the point where any of us have given up on life. There were days when your family members contemplated it. I saw them struggle through the loss of you in their world and prayed for them all. I want you to know that I have tried to stay present in their lives, never going far, though things have changed. Such is life.
There have been other losses that I am quite sure you are aware of since those who have gone after you are likely sitting right next to you in the grandstand of Heaven, worshipping the King with you, seeing the face of our Beloved Father. It has been immensely difficult to say goodbye to them as well. It was especially difficult for me to love and say goodbye to your brother...the man that held my heart in his hands. But we keep going. We endure because Jesus conquered the grave over 2000 years ago. It changes the end result, though our tears wet our faces today. One day all tears will be wiped away.
I believe that more than I've ever believed anything in my life.
But just so you know, five years later:
(1) Your wife has not aged. She looks like she's 38. Truly beautiful as she always was in your eyes and in all of our viewpoints. She is walking in her call in a way that has yet to be seen. She ministers to so many people, even through her own brokenness at times. I still admire her, as much as I did when I was "wet behind the ears", "with milk on my breath." I still think she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.
(2) Your daughters are walking into their callings, despite the way life has tried them. They are learning more and more about God in the midst of the pain they fight through. They are still are my she-roes, just like your wife. They are my sisters and will always be. They couldn't get rid of me if they tried (and sometimes I think they have). I am going nowhere. So they can forget it. I love them too much.
(3) You have a beautiful 4 year old granddaughter that has won my heart in every way. She reminds me of you when she smiles. But she is so much like your wife with her charisma and charm. I cannot wait to see who she will be when she grows up.
(4) Your older grandchildren are becoming adults - more and more independent as the days pass. Nick is larger than life and is such a great man, a great father, a great son. He is striving to be more like you and one day he will be. He admired you so very much. Ari is a mommy and loves her baby more than her next breath. I watch her hold her girl in her arms and I hope one day to hold my own with as much love and protection as she exhibits. Brit is attending college and is finding out who she is as a woman, which is a joy to me as she steps into her future with the gait of a model. Donyell is graduating from high school this year. When I met you all she was only 3 years old and now I watch in awe as she conquers this world. She is destined to run something, to be in charge of something, to impact. Jalan, your best buddy, is a 10th grade football playing gentleman, that has grown up from being the baby to being a great young man. He still reminds me of your daughter...the boy version.
(5) I still live in Port Huron, though probably within 6 months I will be returning home to Grand Rapids where you found me one day - a sullen 19 year old, wondering what my life would turn into. I have written one book, in your memory. You were a great example of what a father is and I wanted the whole world to know that. My second one will be released in early summer.
(6) I work as a foster care worker and a licensing worker, impacting lives and watching mine change before my very eyes. I wish we could still talk about things like we used to. You listened to me and made me feel like my thoughts and my tears and my smiles mattered. I miss having a father in my life.
It was five years today since you went home to be with the Lord. Five years ago, you hugged Jesus as a Friend and Savior. I am so glad that you got to see Him and time has evaporated into eternity. I cannot wait to see Him myself, to see you again, to laugh with you again. Missing you has become the norm for us all now. I cannot say that this will change. You were so important to so many people, so many lives. You were important to me...you are important to me, five years later.
Thank you for still living in my memories.
I love you, Dad.
Mya-Mya
Saturday, February 4, 2012
A LITTLE MORE OF THE JOURNEY SEEN
I have started a new position at my job and already I am loving it. I will be recruiting and teaching new potential foster parents how to minister to and love children in the child welfare system. For two years, I having worked as a foster care worker and got to know intimately what these children go through when they are taken from their parents. I have seen families reunified after the harsh realities that their lives need to change; I have seen children never return to their parents' homes because there was just no way the changes that needed to be made would ever be made. And now, I am working in a different aspect of the system, which was always my goal from day one. I never wanted to lose sight of the motivation to help heal families - not to primarily heal a system.
My job as a foster home licensing worker will serve to continue impacting lives which is the whole point of life, I think. Otherwise, why do anything? It is so easy to be selfish; I have been that and learned that I hate that feeling of self-worship. I want to be what I was born to be. I do feel more at peace with starting this part of my journey. Sometimes, you don't really know what you should do or where you are meant to go. I am beginning to have more faith in the process. I do feel that a little more of the map is being uncovered, a little more of my self-definition is coming to light (especially since I am not writing it).
I do not feel as lost in terms of what my purpose in life is.
That is so freeing...
My job as a foster home licensing worker will serve to continue impacting lives which is the whole point of life, I think. Otherwise, why do anything? It is so easy to be selfish; I have been that and learned that I hate that feeling of self-worship. I want to be what I was born to be. I do feel more at peace with starting this part of my journey. Sometimes, you don't really know what you should do or where you are meant to go. I am beginning to have more faith in the process. I do feel that a little more of the map is being uncovered, a little more of my self-definition is coming to light (especially since I am not writing it).
I do not feel as lost in terms of what my purpose in life is.
That is so freeing...
Monday, January 2, 2012
2012
2012....Helloooo....how are you? Thank you for the new grace that a new year brings. I spend time this morning praying, repenting, and making plans to be the best version of Myowne that I could possibly be. I won't get into what all those plans are but what I will say is I am so glad you are here. There were times last year that I didn't know whether I would see you or not. Life was grueling, I gained and lost love, made some stupid and selfish decisions, and learned some great lessons by the end of the year that I would do well not to repeat.
Nevertheless...
I am glad you are here.
I am not going to start out demanding that you give me anything this year. I plan instead to give you me...more of my time and talent, more of my heartfelt attention, and I definitely don't plan on wasting you, since now I am aware more than ever that life is so precious.
This year, God willing, I will be 35.
This year, God willing, my 3rd book will be coming out and my 4th book will be well on its way.
This year, God willing, I will start an Etsy site so I can sell paintings, drawings, and pottery online.
This year, I will be grateful for every day instead of treating each day like a repeat of the last.
2012...I am so glad we have been formally introduced, since we have never met before. I am honored to be with you, to see you, to get to know you. Let's ride!
Nevertheless...
I am glad you are here.
I am not going to start out demanding that you give me anything this year. I plan instead to give you me...more of my time and talent, more of my heartfelt attention, and I definitely don't plan on wasting you, since now I am aware more than ever that life is so precious.
This year, God willing, I will be 35.
This year, God willing, my 3rd book will be coming out and my 4th book will be well on its way.
This year, God willing, I will start an Etsy site so I can sell paintings, drawings, and pottery online.
This year, I will be grateful for every day instead of treating each day like a repeat of the last.
2012...I am so glad we have been formally introduced, since we have never met before. I am honored to be with you, to see you, to get to know you. Let's ride!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Anyhoodle
It is amazing how the best made plans can be changed in a matter of moments. I am still in the same boring town I have been for nearly 7 years and yet, the best job I have ever had is here. To be honest, I think it would be extremely dumb on my part to leave a location simply because I don't like it and give up a job that pays me more than I've ever made. And I have never in my life been called dumb....so here I am. I guess the best thing you can do in a predicament like mine is to make this thing work, start traveling more, have a vacay spot somewhere else I can run to when I've had enough of Podunk Po Ho as I call this pseudo-city.
SO I am making plans to go to Chicago, Atlanta, and possibly Savannah next summer. I am planning a cruise for next November. Not sure how all this will pan out but I am going to make the best of it.
Anyhoodle, I have also made some more changes (though not the henna tattoos and piercings I claimed I was going to get around my birthday). I am still not real clear on that yet but I have changed my hair (for the umpteenth time). It is now red in one area and a dark brown everywhere else. I also have it cut really short with designs cut into the back of my hair. I guess you can say people either really love it or really hate it or really don't understand what I am going through. Either way, this is the me that I waited to reveal until the job loved me too much to notice that I have changed my personae. Or else they just think I'm crazy and know that I am irreplaceable and they will put up with my fashion shenanigans in order to keep me as a good employee. Either way, I'm good.
And my hair is red.
And I look slightly rebellious.
And my midlife crisis has started early...
Anyhoodle...take it or leave it... :)
SO I am making plans to go to Chicago, Atlanta, and possibly Savannah next summer. I am planning a cruise for next November. Not sure how all this will pan out but I am going to make the best of it.
Anyhoodle, I have also made some more changes (though not the henna tattoos and piercings I claimed I was going to get around my birthday). I am still not real clear on that yet but I have changed my hair (for the umpteenth time). It is now red in one area and a dark brown everywhere else. I also have it cut really short with designs cut into the back of my hair. I guess you can say people either really love it or really hate it or really don't understand what I am going through. Either way, this is the me that I waited to reveal until the job loved me too much to notice that I have changed my personae. Or else they just think I'm crazy and know that I am irreplaceable and they will put up with my fashion shenanigans in order to keep me as a good employee. Either way, I'm good.
And my hair is red.
And I look slightly rebellious.
And my midlife crisis has started early...
Anyhoodle...take it or leave it... :)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Six Teeth Gone and Other Interesting Antics
So I had oral surgery a couple weeks ago to correct some dental issues that I should have taken care of a long time ago. Six teeth - my four wisdom teeth, a baby tooth, and an adult tooth - all had to be removed. I am not good at taking care of myself as quite a few caring people in my life never fail to remind me, so when I recuperated at home, all I could think about was getting back to work. I probably need to get a life...and soon... I mean who lays on the couch doped up with pain meds semi-toothless, thinking about getting back to a 9 to 5 (or 6, in my case)? Only in Myowneworld, apparently...
I am planning my 34th birthday parties now (yes, parties)...a few weeks before the festivities start. I usually celebrate the whole month, every weekend. This year I have decided along with my adopted sister and best friend to have a lady's night in my home town. I hope everyone will come so we can celebrate in style. I am planning more than one party because I think birthdays are the very best way to show the world that you are worth celebrating. There is enough sadness in the world (I know from first hand experience, as of late) that I think we are all due for a little happiness every now and then. So, I'm getting my outfit ready because it's ON!
My nieces and nephews are embracing adulthood and I certainly don't feel as old as I probably should. I feel better! The jury is still out on whether I will one day have children of my own. These four have stolen the show, and I'm definitely not getting any younger. Maybe I'll just get another dog. And a boyfriend. Preferably a boyfriend that is not a dog and vice versa.
I have decided to get a henna tattoo and a couple new ear piercings. Perhaps my midlife crisis is coming early; perhaps I just think I would look cool. At least in my mind, I think I would be the coolest 34-year-old ever (which is a sure sign of a midlife crisis)...most people in this state of being think they are cool in their own eyesight. In everyone else's? Wellll...
Hmmm...we shall see, won't we?
I am planning my 34th birthday parties now (yes, parties)...a few weeks before the festivities start. I usually celebrate the whole month, every weekend. This year I have decided along with my adopted sister and best friend to have a lady's night in my home town. I hope everyone will come so we can celebrate in style. I am planning more than one party because I think birthdays are the very best way to show the world that you are worth celebrating. There is enough sadness in the world (I know from first hand experience, as of late) that I think we are all due for a little happiness every now and then. So, I'm getting my outfit ready because it's ON!
My nieces and nephews are embracing adulthood and I certainly don't feel as old as I probably should. I feel better! The jury is still out on whether I will one day have children of my own. These four have stolen the show, and I'm definitely not getting any younger. Maybe I'll just get another dog. And a boyfriend. Preferably a boyfriend that is not a dog and vice versa.
I have decided to get a henna tattoo and a couple new ear piercings. Perhaps my midlife crisis is coming early; perhaps I just think I would look cool. At least in my mind, I think I would be the coolest 34-year-old ever (which is a sure sign of a midlife crisis)...most people in this state of being think they are cool in their own eyesight. In everyone else's? Wellll...
Hmmm...we shall see, won't we?
Monday, August 29, 2011
Somebody's Getting Old (And It's Not Me)...
My youngest niece will be starting school at Western Michigan University in a few days and is in fact, in Kalamazoo getting ready to embrace a new season of her life. She has been through so much in her 18 years and now it is time to map her own existence. Now she can really live and pursue her dreams.
Time passes so quickly and before you know it the 5-year-old with long ringlets has turned into an 18-year-old with magnificent dreams and potential just waiting to be fulfilled. It is crazy that she would grow up right in front of my eyes. We have not always had the best of relationships but she is like the daughter I never had. She is the one who helps turn my hair gray. She is the one that gives me heart palpitations with every crazy, risky, rebellious antic she comes up with. But she is also the one that made me wipe tears from my eyes as she marched across Houseman Field in Grand Rapids, Michigan one warm June day.
I love my baby girl and see her no longer as a baby or a girl. I see her as the woman she is surely becoming. She makes me realize that I have made a positive impact and now its her turn to do the same.
It's crazy when your babies grow up. She is the first of my mother's grandchildren to attend a four year university. Her sister, my oldest niece, is also pursuing her education to make a better life for herself and her young kings. She is getting her CNA license and will care for others with that huge heart of hers. The pride I feel regarding them both cannot be compared to any other feeling I have ever had about anything as amazing as they are. My prayer is that they believe in themselves as much as I believe in them. I never want them to second guess the power of being who they were born to be.
They are beautifully intelligent young women, and I hope they become everything they are meant to be. One thing I know for sure: their grandmother's prayers keep them covered and my insistence that they never give up - no matter what life may bring - is what will keep them for many years to come. I also know that their great-grandparents that are witnessing what will come of their lives from heaven's grandstands are immensely overjoyed at all they will be able to accomplish if they work and pray hard enough (not necessarily in that order).
The generation they are growing up in is so fearless and sometimes reckless. I worry sometimes about my babies but I know that they will be okay.
I do, however, hate their tongue rings (which explains why they stuck their tongues out while taking the picture). They have become professional Auntie annoyers...but that's okay too. They are mine and I love them more than they can ever know. My life wouldn't be what it is if they were not in it. :)
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Long Time Gone and Now Back....
I guess you can say I went on Sabbatical for a while from life, after dealing with the pain of losing love. I had to take some time to really get my bearings and get refreshed. I now have a new lease on life and a new focus, as the man I love would want. It has not been an easy season but I realize that God has been taking care of me as I give Him my pain and the hurt I have felt. God has been a rich rewarder as I have sought His face. I have actually shut down a few things in my life but now I am ready to return to life as I knew it with a tenacious plan for life.
I am not worried about the things that used to rack my brain because I realize that God is taking care of every little need in my life. I am not worried about life because my life is in His hands. I used to be overly concerned about money, my writing, my publishing books, and relationships in my family. But God has truly taken care of everything when I was on Sabbatical from life letting the grief process do what it had to in my heart.
I am the type of person that has for the most part tried to take care of others at the sacrifice of myself, but for the first time in my life, I have taken care of myself and have taken time that I needed to in order to become the woman I have to be in this hour.
I do miss the man that won my heart in his last days on earth. Yet, I feel his presence in my life, just as surely as I feel the presence of God in my life. He is gone in the body but not in the spirit, and I can move on in life, starting and finishing the work God has declared I must do before it is time for me to "go to God" (as my nephew said at 5 years old when asked what he would do if he were invisible). The reality is I'm supposed to miss his hugs, his smile, the way he stared into my eyes, and loved me silently. I am supposed to struggle sometimes with his absence. This is no coincidence and this is no surprise. He was the man I wanted to marry and now he's physically absent from the wedding.
But I process and recognize the season for what it is, striving to teach others the lessons I too am learning - not to take life for granted and not to miss the chance God gives for love.
So...I am back to writing and art and living and loving. I am back...
I am not worried about the things that used to rack my brain because I realize that God is taking care of every little need in my life. I am not worried about life because my life is in His hands. I used to be overly concerned about money, my writing, my publishing books, and relationships in my family. But God has truly taken care of everything when I was on Sabbatical from life letting the grief process do what it had to in my heart.
I am the type of person that has for the most part tried to take care of others at the sacrifice of myself, but for the first time in my life, I have taken care of myself and have taken time that I needed to in order to become the woman I have to be in this hour.
I do miss the man that won my heart in his last days on earth. Yet, I feel his presence in my life, just as surely as I feel the presence of God in my life. He is gone in the body but not in the spirit, and I can move on in life, starting and finishing the work God has declared I must do before it is time for me to "go to God" (as my nephew said at 5 years old when asked what he would do if he were invisible). The reality is I'm supposed to miss his hugs, his smile, the way he stared into my eyes, and loved me silently. I am supposed to struggle sometimes with his absence. This is no coincidence and this is no surprise. He was the man I wanted to marry and now he's physically absent from the wedding.
But I process and recognize the season for what it is, striving to teach others the lessons I too am learning - not to take life for granted and not to miss the chance God gives for love.
So...I am back to writing and art and living and loving. I am back...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
A Lesson Learned
This has been the most life-changing time for me as I have watched the man I have loved secretly for so long battling for his life. I realize that if there is no other lesson to be learned, you should never, ever keep love a secret. You should always tell the people you care about and love how you feel. I can never get back the intimate moments that "my heart" and I shared over the last few weeks. I would never trade it.
But I do wish I had not been so scared and shy around him or him around me. I wish we had told each other instead of our best friends how we felt about each other. I wonder what would have happened if we had just told each other the truth.
I would have married him in a heartbeat.
I would have loved him like tomorrow wasn't promised.
I realize now, it really wasn't.
I would have loved him like tomorrow really didn't matter.
I realize now that it doesn't. All we have is today.
Today, about two hours ago, "my heart" went to be with Jesus. He left this earth. "My heart" is gone, as I posted on my Facebook status and as I told anyone that asked what was wrong.
I love Brian Nichols so very much and I had the chance to tell him, to look in his eyes and tell him before he could no longer respond to me. But how much better would it have been if I had told him when we could have done something about it? How much better would it have been for both of us if he could have done what he said he wanted to do?
He said he wanted to love me, to take care of me, to take care of all the things that make me sad, moody, depressed. He wanted to be my husband. He may have been the father of my children.
But now, on this snowy March day, I realize that he will never be able to do any of that. And I am so hurt. I feel like a woman that missed the only chance I ever had to be loved for real. I know that isn't true, but right now, in a way it is. I missed the chance to love Brian as his wife. The realistic view is that I can't go back and change time, but I can thank God for the moments when no one else was in the room and it was just me and him.
Thank you God that you graced me enough to be loved by such a great man.
Thank you.
But I do wish I had not been so scared and shy around him or him around me. I wish we had told each other instead of our best friends how we felt about each other. I wonder what would have happened if we had just told each other the truth.
I would have married him in a heartbeat.
I would have loved him like tomorrow wasn't promised.
I realize now, it really wasn't.
I would have loved him like tomorrow really didn't matter.
I realize now that it doesn't. All we have is today.
Today, about two hours ago, "my heart" went to be with Jesus. He left this earth. "My heart" is gone, as I posted on my Facebook status and as I told anyone that asked what was wrong.
I love Brian Nichols so very much and I had the chance to tell him, to look in his eyes and tell him before he could no longer respond to me. But how much better would it have been if I had told him when we could have done something about it? How much better would it have been for both of us if he could have done what he said he wanted to do?
He said he wanted to love me, to take care of me, to take care of all the things that make me sad, moody, depressed. He wanted to be my husband. He may have been the father of my children.
But now, on this snowy March day, I realize that he will never be able to do any of that. And I am so hurt. I feel like a woman that missed the only chance I ever had to be loved for real. I know that isn't true, but right now, in a way it is. I missed the chance to love Brian as his wife. The realistic view is that I can't go back and change time, but I can thank God for the moments when no one else was in the room and it was just me and him.
Thank you God that you graced me enough to be loved by such a great man.
Thank you.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Love Found, Love Lost (Almost)
Being in Port Huron has been anything but productive in the romance department. I think I have grown accustomed to not having anyone in my life so I have no idea when love will ever come my way. I have had crushes, have fallen in and out of love with a man that I still think about from time to time, and have ignored others who, for whatever reason or another, have turned me ALL the way off.
But there was always one guy. There was always one man that I looked for at my godparents' church. He made me blush even when he simply looked my way. I stuttered in front of him and sometimes watched in silence as he happened across my path. My heart would beat fast when he would say something to me; a "hi" or a "how are you?" would send me nearly into heart palpitations.
I never once suspected that he felt anything for me at all.
Until now.
Until the day I realized that he may never cross my path again and all we have is right now, this moment.
Until the news was reported that cancer had once again invaded his body, after getting a somewhat clean bill of health.
I have gone to see him everyday, with just the thought in mind that even if nothing could ever be, I would let him know that he is loved. I visit him everyday, sitting near him, napping in his room at my godmother's home where he is now staying. My godfamily, his late brother and sister-in-law, are the family I have loved for 14 years. And now, I am able to say that at least for seven of those years I have loved him.
His best friend reported to this family that he could see me as the woman he wanted to marry, a woman that he could love because of my passion and love for family, a woman that is educated and driven and focused, a woman unlike the others that have crossed his path. All this time I did not know he loved me like I have loved him all this time.
And now it feels like it is too late for us. What if I was meant to be his wife? What if cancer interrupted something so amazingly beautiful that neither one of us were aware could happen? What if he leaves me tomorrow and I never had a chance to hold his hand while we walked on the RiverWalk in downtown Detroit? What if I never had a chance to kiss his lips or hug him close when he felt most lonely? What if I never get the chance to wear a wedding dress and walk down an aisle toward him?
How will my heart break anew?
I thought I knew what it felt to be hurt or disappointed by past boyfriends or men I thought were made for me to grow old with. But this hurt, this disappointment is unlike anything I have ever, ever experienced.
Love was found during the same time that love could potentially be lost.
But there was always one guy. There was always one man that I looked for at my godparents' church. He made me blush even when he simply looked my way. I stuttered in front of him and sometimes watched in silence as he happened across my path. My heart would beat fast when he would say something to me; a "hi" or a "how are you?" would send me nearly into heart palpitations.
I never once suspected that he felt anything for me at all.
Until now.
Until the day I realized that he may never cross my path again and all we have is right now, this moment.
Until the news was reported that cancer had once again invaded his body, after getting a somewhat clean bill of health.
I have gone to see him everyday, with just the thought in mind that even if nothing could ever be, I would let him know that he is loved. I visit him everyday, sitting near him, napping in his room at my godmother's home where he is now staying. My godfamily, his late brother and sister-in-law, are the family I have loved for 14 years. And now, I am able to say that at least for seven of those years I have loved him.
His best friend reported to this family that he could see me as the woman he wanted to marry, a woman that he could love because of my passion and love for family, a woman that is educated and driven and focused, a woman unlike the others that have crossed his path. All this time I did not know he loved me like I have loved him all this time.
And now it feels like it is too late for us. What if I was meant to be his wife? What if cancer interrupted something so amazingly beautiful that neither one of us were aware could happen? What if he leaves me tomorrow and I never had a chance to hold his hand while we walked on the RiverWalk in downtown Detroit? What if I never had a chance to kiss his lips or hug him close when he felt most lonely? What if I never get the chance to wear a wedding dress and walk down an aisle toward him?
How will my heart break anew?
I thought I knew what it felt to be hurt or disappointed by past boyfriends or men I thought were made for me to grow old with. But this hurt, this disappointment is unlike anything I have ever, ever experienced.
Love was found during the same time that love could potentially be lost.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Moving, Moving, Moving
I think I move like every two to three years. I don't know if it is because I hate staying in the same environment for too long. It isn't like I am tied down to any house or apartment so I take full advantage of living in a different location. I also wonder if it is because I am single and have the freedom to move whenever I get the whim. I think if I had a family I wouldn't be so quick to move all the time. Sometimes I feel like a twenty-something again, when I wasn't sure where I wanted to be at any given moment.
This is my last weekend in my current house, and while I will miss certain aspects of being in it, I won't miss the bills. Renting a house is like paying someone else's mortgage with no benefit. So I am lowering my payments and planning to travel more - starting as soon as next weekend. My godsister and I are going to Chicago for the weekend. It has been a long time since I have been in the Windy City. So I am looking forward to it. This will be my first leisure trip this year, and I am excited.
New life, new start, and it starts with moving to a new location. Life is good.
This is my last weekend in my current house, and while I will miss certain aspects of being in it, I won't miss the bills. Renting a house is like paying someone else's mortgage with no benefit. So I am lowering my payments and planning to travel more - starting as soon as next weekend. My godsister and I are going to Chicago for the weekend. It has been a long time since I have been in the Windy City. So I am looking forward to it. This will be my first leisure trip this year, and I am excited.
New life, new start, and it starts with moving to a new location. Life is good.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I have completed my first year as a foster care worker, and I am realizing everyday that while God has called me to impact families, I have an obligation to myself as well. I have an obligation to have a life. I need to make a life for myself, and I believe that I am well on my way to that. I am learning that I must have balance or I will be burnt out before my second year ends. I certainly don't want that. I know I am not going to be working in this same field for 30 years, but I do want to make a major impact for the time I am here I do want to fulfill my call and the only way I can do that is to be balanced.
So I am preparing to travel to Grand Rapids every weekend that I can to attend my church there. I have taken days off from work in April to attend a spiritual retreat with my church. I am planning a trip to Chicago for the weekend of July
4th/The Taste of Chicago Festival. I am also planning to go to Atlanta to visit my brother (getting on an airplane again, since I've only flown twice before). I also want to travel to Savannah, Georgia at some point this year (maybe for my birthday).
I have always wanted the liberty to travel and move around with no limits. Well this job has afforded me the opportunity to do that, so I need to take advantage of that. Life is too short to be off-balance in any area...especially when you give so much of yourself. So while I am planning to be my best in the lives of others, I am planning to give myself my best as well.
So I am preparing to travel to Grand Rapids every weekend that I can to attend my church there. I have taken days off from work in April to attend a spiritual retreat with my church. I am planning a trip to Chicago for the weekend of July
4th/The Taste of Chicago Festival. I am also planning to go to Atlanta to visit my brother (getting on an airplane again, since I've only flown twice before). I also want to travel to Savannah, Georgia at some point this year (maybe for my birthday).
I have always wanted the liberty to travel and move around with no limits. Well this job has afforded me the opportunity to do that, so I need to take advantage of that. Life is too short to be off-balance in any area...especially when you give so much of yourself. So while I am planning to be my best in the lives of others, I am planning to give myself my best as well.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year, New Decade
2010 is ending, 2011 is beginning. A decade is ending. A new one is just hours away. I am sitting here wondering what this new one will bring. One thing I know is that I need change in my life. I need to embrace new steps, new places, new people, and stop resigning myself for what I allowed myself to grow accustomed to. This is a hard revelation for me. I've grown accustomed to the monotony of daily life, work, relationships, environments. But I know God has never allowed me to stay in the same place for too long or life would inevitably get stale. He doesn't even like a stale or lukewarm approach to life.
So now, I am wondering what this new decade will bring. I would like to speak in faith and say it will bring marriage, children, new positions of leadership, more book publication, speaking engagements, opportunities to do art again. I would like to say that it will bring a new mindset and outlook. Most likely it will. But I am erring on the side of caution because I do not want to be disappointed or to feel that I have been facetious in speaking.
But I also know that if I do not say what I want, I will not get what I want. If I do not make an effort to speak into my own future, life will just happen to me. I do not want to be a passive participant in life. It is far too short for that. I want to be emboldened and passionate about the life I have been blessed to have. So I am entering this new decade with the understanding that I need to be involved in the progression of my own life. I have to agree with what God says about me. And I have to live like I agree with God and like I agree with myself.
So I welcome in this new year and new decade with a purposed passion, a purposed intent to live as I know to live. I am determined to indicate to God and myself what I know is best for me instead of being silent about the life He has given. I am entering in soberminded but excited, content but waiting for more.
So now, I am wondering what this new decade will bring. I would like to speak in faith and say it will bring marriage, children, new positions of leadership, more book publication, speaking engagements, opportunities to do art again. I would like to say that it will bring a new mindset and outlook. Most likely it will. But I am erring on the side of caution because I do not want to be disappointed or to feel that I have been facetious in speaking.
But I also know that if I do not say what I want, I will not get what I want. If I do not make an effort to speak into my own future, life will just happen to me. I do not want to be a passive participant in life. It is far too short for that. I want to be emboldened and passionate about the life I have been blessed to have. So I am entering this new decade with the understanding that I need to be involved in the progression of my own life. I have to agree with what God says about me. And I have to live like I agree with God and like I agree with myself.
So I welcome in this new year and new decade with a purposed passion, a purposed intent to live as I know to live. I am determined to indicate to God and myself what I know is best for me instead of being silent about the life He has given. I am entering in soberminded but excited, content but waiting for more.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Heart Issues
The morning of Thanksgiving Eve, my oldest sister lost her son in a tragic car accident. He was hit by a car while crossing a major street in Grand Rapids, Michigan. There are few words that can express how heartbroken she is, her family is, I am. I have a pain in my heart that I cannot even begin to describe to anyone else and it makes it hard to even know what to say to her. But I hope beyond hope that his death will not be in vain. I hope beyond hope that he is in heaven, looking down on us with the full knowledge that he is loved here too. And he will be forever missed here on earth.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Heaven
This time of year, I am sure a lot of people think about family, friends, food, and fun. This time of year I tend to think more about Heaven and being there and the people I love that are there. I think about the closeness of Heaven, the love of Heaven, and what it all means to live in the Presence of God. The grandparents and father figures, the children and the cousins that I believe are there experiencing the fullness of God's Presence are all on my mind during this time of year. I don't think of them in a sad way. I think of them in a way that reminds me that one day, the beauty of this time of year will be experienced for all eternity. The continuity and family that this time of year means for so many will be an eternal moment, one day. We will always be aware of God's Presence and the sacrifice of His Son. We will be able to celebrate Christ in a way that we have only touched on here. We will be able to love in a way that can be so fleeting here on earth. I feel Heaven more during this time of year than any other time - perhaps for what it symbolizes. We remember the heartbeat of God more, I think. We remember the love and faith and famiy This is what God desires for us to do year round, but we miss the moment collectively until Thanksgiving and Christmas. God draws near when we draw near those we love. That is why I believe the Sabbath (Sunday, for most) is so important. For that one time during the week, many unite in faith to remember the dictates of faith (even if it is shortlived, even if by Monday, we forget everything we learned the day before, even if the worship we fetlt in our hearts begins to dissipate 24 hours later). In that moment God draws near because we remember what we were put on earth for.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Hmmm...
Soooo...basically, my hard words turned a good relationship into a strained one. But I still don't regret telling the truth. I hope one day to have my sister back but for now, I wrestle with having to live without her. I gravitate between deleting her out of my life and leaving the door open. Really it's her choice. I hope she makes the right one.
It sucks having to be fake with people in order to keep a relationship going. So I decided not to do that anymore. I decided that in order to be for real, sometimes people have to be told the truth about a situation.
It sucks having to be fake with people in order to keep a relationship going. So I decided not to do that anymore. I decided that in order to be for real, sometimes people have to be told the truth about a situation.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Hard Words
A week ago I had to tell someone something that could potentially hurt for eons. I had waited for a long, long time to break the news to her that something in the past may still be existing under the surface in the heart of someone she loves. Then I wondered if I had done the wrong thing because what if I lose her? What if I lose the one person on this earth that has known me and loved me anyway and isn't entirely related to me? What if telling the secret is the most unfair thing I could have ever done?
I second guessed myself all week, not texting her, not calling her after it was all said and done. I wondered if her marriage falling apart would be my fault because I didn't keep the secret.
So what do you do when you love someone and you know something that could break their hearts into a million tiny pieces?
She told her sister later that she wished she didn't know; she wished I hadn't told her.
And now...there is this impenetrable silence from her. I do not know if believing the truth must be told is enough anymore. It does cost a lot to tell the truth. Nobody ever tells you that when you are learning the difference between the truth and lies. Certain truths are costly. The truth Jesus died for on the cross was costly and every day those who are followers and believers have to die their own private deaths for the same cause.
I have wrestled with telling the truth but at the end of the day, even if it means losing someone to the winds of change, I'd rather tell it than sit in silence and watch them be betrayed. I can't live with knowing someone is being lied to over and over.
But still...sometimes I wish I could bury my head in the sand.
I second guessed myself all week, not texting her, not calling her after it was all said and done. I wondered if her marriage falling apart would be my fault because I didn't keep the secret.
So what do you do when you love someone and you know something that could break their hearts into a million tiny pieces?
She told her sister later that she wished she didn't know; she wished I hadn't told her.
And now...there is this impenetrable silence from her. I do not know if believing the truth must be told is enough anymore. It does cost a lot to tell the truth. Nobody ever tells you that when you are learning the difference between the truth and lies. Certain truths are costly. The truth Jesus died for on the cross was costly and every day those who are followers and believers have to die their own private deaths for the same cause.
I have wrestled with telling the truth but at the end of the day, even if it means losing someone to the winds of change, I'd rather tell it than sit in silence and watch them be betrayed. I can't live with knowing someone is being lied to over and over.
But still...sometimes I wish I could bury my head in the sand.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Stranger than Fiction
I finished my first novel about two years ago and have recently felt the urgency to return to it. I've looked at it briefly over the last few weeks, just merely glanced at it, but now I feel like since I have published my memoir, it is time to bring forth the fiction. I am not a genre writer. I do not stick with poetry or creative nonfiction or fiction. I kind of just go with the flow and entertain the muse, whatever it may be.
I have two novels - this first one, We Run From Ourselves - and a new one just in the first stages gestationally. It is called, We Have Our Reasons. Both books cycle around a persistent theme, the same theme as in the memoir I published in April: the absence of parents and what that does to us individually and as a collective whole. The absence creates a vaccuum and everything in life that we could ever deal with gets sucked into us, without the filtering that parents bring. I am not sure why this theme haunts me beyond my own persistent issues with the absence of my father. That seems so exclusively personal. But it does and I see it everywhere.
But if I am praying to be a better writer, I have to dissect those personal issues and decide how much of those areas need to be surfaced in my writing. I study the craft of writing and why some writers stay as closet writers and why others take a huge role in our literary development as humans that crave story and a witness to what we all go through as humans. One thing that seems evident is that writers that draw from their own experience as part of the human race and also from the truth of what it means to be a part of that race become voices for what none of us are always so brave to say on our own. Truthfully, I seek to be that kind of writer.
I may not understand why I feel God has called me to this theme in my writing, but I know that the truth of story and experience is multi-faceted and multi-layered. It is always so much deeper than the visceral evidence of pain. We dig deeper because we do indeed have our reasons.
So today, I am working both manuscripts - reimaging one, leaving it, going to the new one, and back again. And although it is a little like reopening wounds, I am glad to be here, fingers on the keyboard, characters speaking in my ear, words transcribed on page, breathing.
I have two novels - this first one, We Run From Ourselves - and a new one just in the first stages gestationally. It is called, We Have Our Reasons. Both books cycle around a persistent theme, the same theme as in the memoir I published in April: the absence of parents and what that does to us individually and as a collective whole. The absence creates a vaccuum and everything in life that we could ever deal with gets sucked into us, without the filtering that parents bring. I am not sure why this theme haunts me beyond my own persistent issues with the absence of my father. That seems so exclusively personal. But it does and I see it everywhere.
But if I am praying to be a better writer, I have to dissect those personal issues and decide how much of those areas need to be surfaced in my writing. I study the craft of writing and why some writers stay as closet writers and why others take a huge role in our literary development as humans that crave story and a witness to what we all go through as humans. One thing that seems evident is that writers that draw from their own experience as part of the human race and also from the truth of what it means to be a part of that race become voices for what none of us are always so brave to say on our own. Truthfully, I seek to be that kind of writer.
I may not understand why I feel God has called me to this theme in my writing, but I know that the truth of story and experience is multi-faceted and multi-layered. It is always so much deeper than the visceral evidence of pain. We dig deeper because we do indeed have our reasons.
So today, I am working both manuscripts - reimaging one, leaving it, going to the new one, and back again. And although it is a little like reopening wounds, I am glad to be here, fingers on the keyboard, characters speaking in my ear, words transcribed on page, breathing.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
33 Years, Time for a Change
I turned 33 on Monday, and enjoyed every bit of my birthday weekend with my sisters. It was a great time to be had by all and I am now grateful that God has blessed me to live another year. I want so many things for myself, but I received a great revelation the other day. I realized that while I am praying for God to send me a husband, praying that God bless me financially, praying that I become an even better writer, I have been seeking God the wrong way. It's not that what I was asking for was wrong per se. I just wasn't asking for them the right way. I was being much too selfish regarding these areas.
Instead of praying for God to send me a husband, I need to be praying FOR my husband. I know God has promised that I would have a family of my own. He has promised me that since I was a little girl. I know it is going to happen, so instead of praying in doubt, I am going to pray like my husband is standing right here in front of me. I am going to pray for him like I already know him and we are well acquainted. I am going to pray for his health, spiritual walk with Christ, pray for him as he faces challenges on a daily basis, pray his strength in God. I am going to pray that God bless his hands and everything he endeavors to do. I am going to pray for his dreams, his goals, his aspirations. I am going to pray that he fulfill everything God has mandated him to do in this life. I am going to pray that he become a great husband and father. I am not going to pray for him to come; I am going to pray FOR him.
Instead of praying that God bless me financially so I can do everything in my heart, I am going to learn how to give more, sowing into fertile ground. I am going to give and pour out of myself into the lives of the people around me. I am going to invest my time, energy, and even money into the places where lives can be impacted - both in church and outside of the four walls.
Instead of praying that I become an even better writer, I am praying that God use my words to impact a nation. I am asking God to use the talent that He has given me to influence many, many people - even when my body is decaying and my spirit has gone on to be with Him. Words transcend time, space, physical limitations. Words are life (or death - depending on how you use them).
I haven't been praying the right prayers. It isn't a way to manipulate God. It is a means to change my focus and change the impact of my prayer life. It is NOT all about me. It is NOT all about MY husband (he has his own life to live, now and after we are married), MY money (it has a life of its own as well), and MY books (they have the power to impact lives if I let God use me beyond even those lives I have the liberty to bear witness to).
So now it's time to change the way I pray...
At 33, it took me a whole lifetime to realize this.
Instead of praying for God to send me a husband, I need to be praying FOR my husband. I know God has promised that I would have a family of my own. He has promised me that since I was a little girl. I know it is going to happen, so instead of praying in doubt, I am going to pray like my husband is standing right here in front of me. I am going to pray for him like I already know him and we are well acquainted. I am going to pray for his health, spiritual walk with Christ, pray for him as he faces challenges on a daily basis, pray his strength in God. I am going to pray that God bless his hands and everything he endeavors to do. I am going to pray for his dreams, his goals, his aspirations. I am going to pray that he fulfill everything God has mandated him to do in this life. I am going to pray that he become a great husband and father. I am not going to pray for him to come; I am going to pray FOR him.
Instead of praying that God bless me financially so I can do everything in my heart, I am going to learn how to give more, sowing into fertile ground. I am going to give and pour out of myself into the lives of the people around me. I am going to invest my time, energy, and even money into the places where lives can be impacted - both in church and outside of the four walls.
Instead of praying that I become an even better writer, I am praying that God use my words to impact a nation. I am asking God to use the talent that He has given me to influence many, many people - even when my body is decaying and my spirit has gone on to be with Him. Words transcend time, space, physical limitations. Words are life (or death - depending on how you use them).
I haven't been praying the right prayers. It isn't a way to manipulate God. It is a means to change my focus and change the impact of my prayer life. It is NOT all about me. It is NOT all about MY husband (he has his own life to live, now and after we are married), MY money (it has a life of its own as well), and MY books (they have the power to impact lives if I let God use me beyond even those lives I have the liberty to bear witness to).
So now it's time to change the way I pray...
At 33, it took me a whole lifetime to realize this.
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