Myowneworld

A LITTLE MORE OF THE JOURNEY SEEN

2012-02-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have started a new position at my job and already I am loving it. I will be recruiting and teaching new potential foster parents how to minister to and love children in the child welfare system. For two years, I having worked as a foster care worker and got to know intimately what these children go through when they are taken from their parents. I have seen families reunified after the harsh realities that their lives need to change; I have seen children never return to their parents' homes because there was just no way the changes that needed to be made would ever be made. And now, I am working in a different aspect of the system, which was always my goal from day one. I never wanted to lose sight of the motivation to help heal families - not to primarily heal a system.

My job as a foster home licensing worker will serve to continue impacting lives which is the whole point of life, I think. Otherwise, why do anything? It is so easy to be selfish; I have been that and learned that I hate that feeling of self-worship. I want to be what I was born to be. I do feel more at peace with starting this part of my journey. Sometimes, you don't really know what you should do or where you are meant to go. I am beginning to have more faith in the process. I do feel that a little more of the map is being uncovered, a little more of my self-definition is coming to light (especially since I am not writing it).

I do not feel as lost in terms of what my purpose in life is.

That is so freeing...

2012

2012-01-02T11:38:00.001-08:00

2012....Helloooo....how are you? Thank you for the new grace that a new year brings. I spend time this morning praying, repenting, and making plans to be the best version of Myowne that I could possibly be. I won't get into what all those plans are but what I will say is I am so glad you are here. There were times last year that I didn't know whether I would see you or not. Life was grueling, I gained and lost love, made some stupid and selfish decisions, and learned some great lessons by the end of the year that I would do well not to repeat.

Nevertheless...

I am glad you are here.

I am not going to start out demanding that you give me anything this year. I plan instead to give you me...more of my time and talent, more of my heartfelt attention, and I definitely don't plan on wasting you, since now I am aware more than ever that life is so precious.

This year, God willing, I will be 35.

This year, God willing, my 3rd book will be coming out and my 4th book will be well on its way.

This year, God willing, I will start an Etsy site so I can sell paintings, drawings, and pottery online.

This year, I will be grateful for every day instead of treating each day like a repeat of the last.

2012...I am so glad we have been formally introduced, since we have never met before. I am honored to be with you, to see you, to get to know you. Let's ride!

Anyhoodle

2011-12-13T16:12:00.001-08:00

It is amazing how the best made plans can be changed in a matter of moments. I am still in the same boring town I have been for nearly 7 years and yet, the best job I have ever had is here. To be honest, I think it would be extremely dumb on my part to leave a location simply because I don't like it and give up a job that pays me more than I've ever made. And I have never in my life been called dumb....so here I am. I guess the best thing you can do in a predicament like mine is to make this thing work, start traveling more, have a vacay spot somewhere else I can run to when I've had enough of Podunk Po Ho as I call this pseudo-city.

SO I am making plans to go to Chicago, Atlanta, and possibly Savannah next summer. I am planning a cruise for next November. Not sure how all this will pan out but I am going to make the best of it.

Anyhoodle, I have also made some more changes (though not the henna tattoos and piercings I claimed I was going to get around my birthday). I am still not real clear on that yet but I have changed my hair (for the umpteenth time). It is now red in one area and a dark brown everywhere else. I also have it cut really short with designs cut into the back of my hair. I guess you can say people either really love it or really hate it or really don't understand what I am going through. Either way, this is the me that I waited to reveal until the job loved me too much to notice that I have changed my personae. Or else they just think I'm crazy and know that I am irreplaceable and they will put up with my fashion shenanigans in order to keep me as a good employee. Either way, I'm good.

And my hair is red.

And I look slightly rebellious.

And my midlife crisis has started early...

Anyhoodle...take it or leave it... :)

Six Teeth Gone and Other Interesting Antics

2011-09-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

So I had oral surgery a couple weeks ago to correct some dental issues that I should have taken care of a long time ago. Six teeth - my four wisdom teeth, a baby tooth, and an adult tooth - all had to be removed. I am not good at taking care of myself as quite a few caring people in my life never fail to remind me, so when I recuperated at home, all I could think about was getting back to work. I probably need to get a life...and soon... I mean who lays on the couch doped up with pain meds semi-toothless, thinking about getting back to a 9 to 5 (or 6, in my case)? Only in Myowneworld, apparently...

I am planning my 34th birthday parties now (yes, parties)...a few weeks before the festivities start. I usually celebrate the whole month, every weekend. This year I have decided along with my adopted sister and best friend to have a lady's night in my home town. I hope everyone will come so we can celebrate in style. I am planning more than one party because I think birthdays are the very best way to show the world that you are worth celebrating. There is enough sadness in the world (I know from first hand experience, as of late) that I think we are all due for a little happiness every now and then. So, I'm getting my outfit ready because it's ON!

My nieces and nephews are embracing adulthood and I certainly don't feel as old as I probably should. I feel better! The jury is still out on whether I will one day have children of my own. These four have stolen the show, and I'm definitely not getting any younger. Maybe I'll just get another dog. And a boyfriend. Preferably a boyfriend that is not a dog and vice versa.

I have decided to get a henna tattoo and a couple new ear piercings. Perhaps my midlife crisis is coming early; perhaps I just think I would look cool. At least in my mind, I think I would be the coolest 34-year-old ever (which is a sure sign of a midlife crisis)...most people in this state of being think they are cool in their own eyesight. In everyone else's? Wellll...

Hmmm...we shall see, won't we?

Somebody's Getting Old (And It's Not Me)...

2011-08-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

My youngest niece will be starting school at Western Michigan University in a few days and is in fact, in Kalamazoo getting ready to embrace a new season of her life. She has been through so much in her 18 years and now it is time to map her own existence. Now she can really live and pursue her dreams.

Time passes so quickly and before you know it the 5-year-old with long ringlets has turned into an 18-year-old with magnificent dreams and potential just waiting to be fulfilled. It is crazy that she would grow up right in front of my eyes. We have not always had the best of relationships but she is like the daughter I never had. She is the one who helps turn my hair gray. She is the one that gives me heart palpitations with every crazy, risky, rebellious antic she comes up with. But she is also the one that made me wipe tears from my eyes as she marched across Houseman Field in Grand Rapids, Michigan one warm June day.

I love my baby girl and see her no longer as a baby or a girl. I see her as the woman she is surely becoming. She makes me realize that I have made a positive impact and now its her turn to do the same.

It's crazy when your babies grow up. She is the first of my mother's grandchildren to attend a four year university. Her sister, my oldest niece, is also pursuing her education to make a better life for herself and her young kings. She is getting her CNA license and will care for others with that huge heart of hers. The pride I feel regarding them both cannot be compared to any other feeling I have ever had about anything as amazing as they are. My prayer is that they believe in themselves as much as I believe in them. I never want them to second guess the power of being who they were born to be.

They are beautifully intelligent young women, and I hope they become everything they are meant to be. One thing I know for sure: their grandmother's prayers keep them covered and my insistence that they never give up - no matter what life may bring - is what will keep them for many years to come. I also know that their great-grandparents that are witnessing what will come of their lives from heaven's grandstands are immensely overjoyed at all they will be able to accomplish if they work and pray hard enough (not necessarily in that order).

The generation they are growing up in is so fearless and sometimes reckless. I worry sometimes about my babies but I know that they will be okay.

I do, however, hate their tongue rings (which explains why they stuck their tongues out while taking the picture). They have become professional Auntie annoyers...but that's okay too. They are mine and I love them more than they can ever know. My life wouldn't be what it is if they were not in it. :)

Long Time Gone and Now Back....

2011-07-31T08:51:00.001-07:00

I guess you can say I went on Sabbatical for a while from life, after dealing with the pain of losing love. I had to take some time to really get my bearings and get refreshed. I now have a new lease on life and a new focus, as the man I love would want. It has not been an easy season but I realize that God has been taking care of me as I give Him my pain and the hurt I have felt. God has been a rich rewarder as I have sought His face. I have actually shut down a few things in my life but now I am ready to return to life as I knew it with a tenacious plan for life.

I am not worried about the things that used to rack my brain because I realize that God is taking care of every little need in my life. I am not worried about life because my life is in His hands. I used to be overly concerned about money, my writing, my publishing books, and relationships in my family. But God has truly taken care of everything when I was on Sabbatical from life letting the grief process do what it had to in my heart.

I am the type of person that has for the most part tried to take care of others at the sacrifice of myself, but for the first time in my life, I have taken care of myself and have taken time that I needed to in order to become the woman I have to be in this hour.

I do miss the man that won my heart in his last days on earth. Yet, I feel his presence in my life, just as surely as I feel the presence of God in my life. He is gone in the body but not in the spirit, and I can move on in life, starting and finishing the work God has declared I must do before it is time for me to "go to God" (as my nephew said at 5 years old when asked what he would do if he were invisible). The reality is I'm supposed to miss his hugs, his smile, the way he stared into my eyes, and loved me silently. I am supposed to struggle sometimes with his absence. This is no coincidence and this is no surprise. He was the man I wanted to marry and now he's physically absent from the wedding.

But I process and recognize the season for what it is, striving to teach others the lessons I too am learning - not to take life for granted and not to miss the chance God gives for love.

So...I am back to writing and art and living and loving. I am back...

A Lesson Learned

2011-03-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

This has been the most life-changing time for me as I have watched the man I have loved secretly for so long battling for his life. I realize that if there is no other lesson to be learned, you should never, ever keep love a secret. You should always tell the people you care about and love how you feel. I can never get back the intimate moments that "my heart" and I shared over the last few weeks. I would never trade it.

But I do wish I had not been so scared and shy around him or him around me. I wish we had told each other instead of our best friends how we felt about each other. I wonder what would have happened if we had just told each other the truth.

I would have married him in a heartbeat.

I would have loved him like tomorrow wasn't promised.

I realize now, it really wasn't.

I would have loved him like tomorrow really didn't matter.

I realize now that it doesn't. All we have is today.

Today, about two hours ago, "my heart" went to be with Jesus. He left this earth. "My heart" is gone, as I posted on my Facebook status and as I told anyone that asked what was wrong.

I love Brian Nichols so very much and I had the chance to tell him, to look in his eyes and tell him before he could no longer respond to me. But how much better would it have been if I had told him when we could have done something about it? How much better would it have been for both of us if he could have done what he said he wanted to do?

He said he wanted to love me, to take care of me, to take care of all the things that make me sad, moody, depressed. He wanted to be my husband. He may have been the father of my children.

But now, on this snowy March day, I realize that he will never be able to do any of that. And I am so hurt. I feel like a woman that missed the only chance I ever had to be loved for real. I know that isn't true, but right now, in a way it is. I missed the chance to love Brian as his wife. The realistic view is that I can't go back and change time, but I can thank God for the moments when no one else was in the room and it was just me and him.

Thank you God that you graced me enough to be loved by such a great man.

Thank you.

Love Found, Love Lost (Almost)

2011-03-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Being in Port Huron has been anything but productive in the romance department. I think I have grown accustomed to not having anyone in my life so I have no idea when love will ever come my way. I have had crushes, have fallen in and out of love with a man that I still think about from time to time, and have ignored others who, for whatever reason or another, have turned me ALL the way off.

But there was always one guy. There was always one man that I looked for at my godparents' church. He made me blush even when he simply looked my way. I stuttered in front of him and sometimes watched in silence as he happened across my path. My heart would beat fast when he would say something to me; a "hi" or a "how are you?" would send me nearly into heart palpitations.

I never once suspected that he felt anything for me at all.

Until now.

Until the day I realized that he may never cross my path again and all we have is right now, this moment.

Until the news was reported that cancer had once again invaded his body, after getting a somewhat clean bill of health.

I have gone to see him everyday, with just the thought in mind that even if nothing could ever be, I would let him know that he is loved. I visit him everyday, sitting near him, napping in his room at my godmother's home where he is now staying. My godfamily, his late brother and sister-in-law, are the family I have loved for 14 years. And now, I am able to say that at least for seven of those years I have loved him.

His best friend reported to this family that he could see me as the woman he wanted to marry, a woman that he could love because of my passion and love for family, a woman that is educated and driven and focused, a woman unlike the others that have crossed his path. All this time I did not know he loved me like I have loved him all this time.

And now it feels like it is too late for us. What if I was meant to be his wife? What if cancer interrupted something so amazingly beautiful that neither one of us were aware could happen? What if he leaves me tomorrow and I never had a chance to hold his hand while we walked on the RiverWalk in downtown Detroit? What if I never had a chance to kiss his lips or hug him close when he felt most lonely? What if I never get the chance to wear a wedding dress and walk down an aisle toward him?

How will my heart break anew?

I thought I knew what it felt to be hurt or disappointed by past boyfriends or men I thought were made for me to grow old with. But this hurt, this disappointment is unlike anything I have ever, ever experienced.

Love was found during the same time that love could potentially be lost.

Moving, Moving, Moving

2011-02-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

I think I move like every two to three years. I don't know if it is because I hate staying in the same environment for too long. It isn't like I am tied down to any house or apartment so I take full advantage of living in a different location. I also wonder if it is because I am single and have the freedom to move whenever I get the whim. I think if I had a family I wouldn't be so quick to move all the time. Sometimes I feel like a twenty-something again, when I wasn't sure where I wanted to be at any given moment.

This is my last weekend in my current house, and while I will miss certain aspects of being in it, I won't miss the bills. Renting a house is like paying someone else's mortgage with no benefit. So I am lowering my payments and planning to travel more - starting as soon as next weekend. My godsister and I are going to Chicago for the weekend. It has been a long time since I have been in the Windy City. So I am looking forward to it. This will be my first leisure trip this year, and I am excited.

New life, new start, and it starts with moving to a new location. Life is good.

2011-01-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

I have completed my first year as a foster care worker, and I am realizing everyday that while God has called me to impact families, I have an obligation to myself as well. I have an obligation to have a life. I need to make a life for myself, and I believe that I am well on my way to that. I am learning that I must have balance or I will be burnt out before my second year ends. I certainly don't want that. I know I am not going to be working in this same field for 30 years, but I do want to make a major impact for the time I am here I do want to fulfill my call and the only way I can do that is to be balanced.

So I am preparing to travel to Grand Rapids every weekend that I can to attend my church there. I have taken days off from work in April to attend a spiritual retreat with my church. I am planning a trip to Chicago for the weekend of July
4th/The Taste of Chicago Festival. I am also planning to go to Atlanta to visit my brother (getting on an airplane again, since I've only flown twice before). I also want to travel to Savannah, Georgia at some point this year (maybe for my birthday).

I have always wanted the liberty to travel and move around with no limits. Well this job has afforded me the opportunity to do that, so I need to take advantage of that. Life is too short to be off-balance in any area...especially when you give so much of yourself. So while I am planning to be my best in the lives of others, I am planning to give myself my best as well.

New Year, New Decade

2010-12-31T11:39:00.000-08:00

2010 is ending, 2011 is beginning. A decade is ending. A new one is just hours away. I am sitting here wondering what this new one will bring. One thing I know is that I need change in my life. I need to embrace new steps, new places, new people, and stop resigning myself for what I allowed myself to grow accustomed to. This is a hard revelation for me. I've grown accustomed to the monotony of daily life, work, relationships, environments. But I know God has never allowed me to stay in the same place for too long or life would inevitably get stale. He doesn't even like a stale or lukewarm approach to life.

So now, I am wondering what this new decade will bring. I would like to speak in faith and say it will bring marriage, children, new positions of leadership, more book publication, speaking engagements, opportunities to do art again. I would like to say that it will bring a new mindset and outlook. Most likely it will. But I am erring on the side of caution because I do not want to be disappointed or to feel that I have been facetious in speaking.

But I also know that if I do not say what I want, I will not get what I want. If I do not make an effort to speak into my own future, life will just happen to me. I do not want to be a passive participant in life. It is far too short for that. I want to be emboldened and passionate about the life I have been blessed to have. So I am entering this new decade with the understanding that I need to be involved in the progression of my own life. I have to agree with what God says about me. And I have to live like I agree with God and like I agree with myself.

So I welcome in this new year and new decade with a purposed passion, a purposed intent to live as I know to live. I am determined to indicate to God and myself what I know is best for me instead of being silent about the life He has given. I am entering in soberminded but excited, content but waiting for more.

Heart Issues

2010-11-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

The morning of Thanksgiving Eve, my oldest sister lost her son in a tragic car accident. He was hit by a car while crossing a major street in Grand Rapids, Michigan. There are few words that can express how heartbroken she is, her family is, I am. I have a pain in my heart that I cannot even begin to describe to anyone else and it makes it hard to even know what to say to her. But I hope beyond hope that his death will not be in vain. I hope beyond hope that he is in heaven, looking down on us with the full knowledge that he is loved here too. And he will be forever missed here on earth.

Heaven

2010-11-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

This time of year, I am sure a lot of people think about family, friends, food, and fun. This time of year I tend to think more about Heaven and being there and the people I love that are there. I think about the closeness of Heaven, the love of Heaven, and what it all means to live in the Presence of God. The grandparents and father figures, the children and the cousins that I believe are there experiencing the fullness of God's Presence are all on my mind during this time of year. I don't think of them in a sad way. I think of them in a way that reminds me that one day, the beauty of this time of year will be experienced for all eternity. The continuity and family that this time of year means for so many will be an eternal moment, one day. We will always be aware of God's Presence and the sacrifice of His Son. We will be able to celebrate Christ in a way that we have only touched on here. We will be able to love in a way that can be so fleeting here on earth. I feel Heaven more during this time of year than any other time - perhaps for what it symbolizes. We remember the heartbeat of God more, I think. We remember the love and faith and famiy This is what God desires for us to do year round, but we miss the moment collectively until Thanksgiving and Christmas. God draws near when we draw near those we love. That is why I believe the Sabbath (Sunday, for most) is so important. For that one time during the week, many unite in faith to remember the dictates of faith (even if it is shortlived, even if by Monday, we forget everything we learned the day before, even if the worship we fetlt in our hearts begins to dissipate 24 hours later). In that moment God draws near because we remember what we were put on earth for.

Hmmm...

2010-11-16T17:15:00.000-08:00

Soooo...basically, my hard words turned a good relationship into a strained one. But I still don't regret telling the truth. I hope one day to have my sister back but for now, I wrestle with having to live without her. I gravitate between deleting her out of my life and leaving the door open. Really it's her choice. I hope she makes the right one.

It sucks having to be fake with people in order to keep a relationship going. So I decided not to do that anymore. I decided that in order to be for real, sometimes people have to be told the truth about a situation.

Hard Words

2010-11-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

A week ago I had to tell someone something that could potentially hurt for eons. I had waited for a long, long time to break the news to her that something in the past may still be existing under the surface in the heart of someone she loves. Then I wondered if I had done the wrong thing because what if I lose her? What if I lose the one person on this earth that has known me and loved me anyway and isn't entirely related to me? What if telling the secret is the most unfair thing I could have ever done?

I second guessed myself all week, not texting her, not calling her after it was all said and done. I wondered if her marriage falling apart would be my fault because I didn't keep the secret.

So what do you do when you love someone and you know something that could break their hearts into a million tiny pieces?

She told her sister later that she wished she didn't know; she wished I hadn't told her.

And now...there is this impenetrable silence from her. I do not know if believing the truth must be told is enough anymore. It does cost a lot to tell the truth. Nobody ever tells you that when you are learning the difference between the truth and lies. Certain truths are costly. The truth Jesus died for on the cross was costly and every day those who are followers and believers have to die their own private deaths for the same cause.

I have wrestled with telling the truth but at the end of the day, even if it means losing someone to the winds of change, I'd rather tell it than sit in silence and watch them be betrayed. I can't live with knowing someone is being lied to over and over.

But still...sometimes I wish I could bury my head in the sand.

Stranger than Fiction

2010-10-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

I finished my first novel about two years ago and have recently felt the urgency to return to it. I've looked at it briefly over the last few weeks, just merely glanced at it, but now I feel like since I have published my memoir, it is time to bring forth the fiction. I am not a genre writer. I do not stick with poetry or creative nonfiction or fiction. I kind of just go with the flow and entertain the muse, whatever it may be.

I have two novels - this first one, We Run From Ourselves - and a new one just in the first stages gestationally. It is called, We Have Our Reasons. Both books cycle around a persistent theme, the same theme as in the memoir I published in April: the absence of parents and what that does to us individually and as a collective whole. The absence creates a vaccuum and everything in life that we could ever deal with gets sucked into us, without the filtering that parents bring. I am not sure why this theme haunts me beyond my own persistent issues with the absence of my father. That seems so exclusively personal. But it does and I see it everywhere.

But if I am praying to be a better writer, I have to dissect those personal issues and decide how much of those areas need to be surfaced in my writing. I study the craft of writing and why some writers stay as closet writers and why others take a huge role in our literary development as humans that crave story and a witness to what we all go through as humans. One thing that seems evident is that writers that draw from their own experience as part of the human race and also from the truth of what it means to be a part of that race become voices for what none of us are always so brave to say on our own. Truthfully, I seek to be that kind of writer.

I may not understand why I feel God has called me to this theme in my writing, but I know that the truth of story and experience is multi-faceted and multi-layered. It is always so much deeper than the visceral evidence of pain. We dig deeper because we do indeed have our reasons.

So today, I am working both manuscripts - reimaging one, leaving it, going to the new one, and back again. And although it is a little like reopening wounds, I am glad to be here, fingers on the keyboard, characters speaking in my ear, words transcribed on page, breathing.

33 Years, Time for a Change

2010-10-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

I turned 33 on Monday, and enjoyed every bit of my birthday weekend with my sisters. It was a great time to be had by all and I am now grateful that God has blessed me to live another year. I want so many things for myself, but I received a great revelation the other day. I realized that while I am praying for God to send me a husband, praying that God bless me financially, praying that I become an even better writer, I have been seeking God the wrong way. It's not that what I was asking for was wrong per se. I just wasn't asking for them the right way. I was being much too selfish regarding these areas.

Instead of praying for God to send me a husband, I need to be praying FOR my husband. I know God has promised that I would have a family of my own. He has promised me that since I was a little girl. I know it is going to happen, so instead of praying in doubt, I am going to pray like my husband is standing right here in front of me. I am going to pray for him like I already know him and we are well acquainted. I am going to pray for his health, spiritual walk with Christ, pray for him as he faces challenges on a daily basis, pray his strength in God. I am going to pray that God bless his hands and everything he endeavors to do. I am going to pray for his dreams, his goals, his aspirations. I am going to pray that he fulfill everything God has mandated him to do in this life. I am going to pray that he become a great husband and father. I am not going to pray for him to come; I am going to pray FOR him.

Instead of praying that God bless me financially so I can do everything in my heart, I am going to learn how to give more, sowing into fertile ground. I am going to give and pour out of myself into the lives of the people around me. I am going to invest my time, energy, and even money into the places where lives can be impacted - both in church and outside of the four walls.

Instead of praying that I become an even better writer, I am praying that God use my words to impact a nation. I am asking God to use the talent that He has given me to influence many, many people - even when my body is decaying and my spirit has gone on to be with Him. Words transcend time, space, physical limitations. Words are life (or death - depending on how you use them).

I haven't been praying the right prayers. It isn't a way to manipulate God. It is a means to change my focus and change the impact of my prayer life. It is NOT all about me. It is NOT all about MY husband (he has his own life to live, now and after we are married), MY money (it has a life of its own as well), and MY books (they have the power to impact lives if I let God use me beyond even those lives I have the liberty to bear witness to).

So now it's time to change the way I pray...

At 33, it took me a whole lifetime to realize this.

October Sky

2010-10-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

It is October already and I have to settle myself in the fact that summer is truly over now. I didn't get outside as much as I thought I would, but I do love fall too. I am not looking forward to snow, but I know that it is part of the process and each season brings with it something to appreciate.

I am going to be 33 in a week. That too is hard to swallow. I am so grateful for life and am looking forward to what this year will bring for me. I am believing God that I will meet the man meant for me, that I will truly be happy and settled in my spirit about some things I have been seeking God for. But more, I am believing that I will continue to make a difference in the lives of the people God has sent me to impact.

One of the assignments my pastor has asked us to complete by next Sunday (10/10/10) is to list the things that we want to improve upon in our lives, that we want to be better in, the areas where we want to successfully complete some things. I listed most areas that are common to us all: relationships with God and people, my careers (writing, art, and social work), my finances, and also living totally as the woman God intends me to be (not under the constraints that others may put upon me). I have come a long way and want to go further.

So much has changed in my life and in the lives of others around me. I see those changes but also know that I need to fulfill the destiny I am called to fulfill. Now is the time to fulfill some things for myself. I have strived to help others fulfill and complete their assignments. Now is the time to complete some things myself.

The October Sky is full of possibilities. I am turning a new age this month, entering a new season in my life at this time. And I am excited.

It has been a long time since I have been excited about my own life.

Love Story: Marvin and MaLinda Sapp

2010-09-16T17:21:00.001-07:00

Today I went to the Homegoing Celebration for Dr. MaLinda Sapp, wife of Pastor/Psalmist Dr. Marvin Sapp. It was rather close for comfort, as I recalled what it felt like to sit in the front of the service for my godfather Apostle William Nichols.

What I realize more than anything else today is no matter what - no matter the length of time it takes, there is a culmination. Love never dies...

Even though we cannot see those who have gone on before, we (Believers in Christ) know that as sure as we believe in God and know He is real and exists, those we cannot hold close are not so far away. There is no distance in the spirit. I learned a little about a real love story today...a love story very similar to my godparents' story. And now I know what to pray for.

I am not just going to pray to be married. I am going to pray that God would grace me with a real live love story of my own.

Three things I learned today:
(1) Dr. MaLinda loved her husband deeply. She knew she would have to go and her first and last thought was for him and their beautiful children.

(2) Dr. MaLinda was a great mother. Her daughter Mikaila told her friend last week, "My mom was my best friend." How many children and teens can say that today? Her son Marvin II was completely speechless at the funeral when it was time for him to say something to the audience. And her baby girl, Madisson, asked the best question of all on the way to the service when she saw all the signs for the funeral (likely the funeral flags placed on the cars). She asked, "Why do all the signs say funeral? This is a celebration!" One thing I cry for even now is that these babies miss their mom.

(3) I have a giant in the faith to map my life after, besides my mother and my godmother.

Her name is MaLinda Prince Sapp.

Heartbroken

2010-09-10T15:25:00.001-07:00

Yesterday,one of my she-roes passed from this world into the arms of our Heavenly Father. I admired Dr. MaLinda Sapp so much and being from Grand Rapids, Michigan, I had great respect for the work she and her husband were doing in my hometown. There are not very many people that are from my city that come back and pay it forward. They could have lived anywhere, but they decided to live in Grand Rapids.

Mrs. Sapp passed away yesterday morning from complications surrounding her battle with colon cancer. It is still hard for me to believe someone so vibrant and young could have a disease so deadly. Often medical professionals tell women in our age group not to worry about breast cancer, colon cancer, and any number of terminal illnesses until we get older. But lately so many women I know personally have been diagnosed with illnesses that middle-aged women even ten to twenty years ago rarely battled.

That doesn't mean a whole lot to me today.

Dr. MaLinda was only 43.

And my city, the people I know, the neighborhoods where we both grew up, the parishioners that attended Lighthouse (the church she and her husband, Pastor Dr. Marvin Sapp shepherded) are reeling from the loss of such a beautiful woman. Her children will enter adulthood without their mommy. Her husband is lost without the bone of his bone and the flesh of his flesh.

Please pray...

Inspiration in a Place That Lacks It

2010-09-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

I am eight months into my new job as a foster care worker and I have never felt like I was making as much of an impact on people's lives as I am right now. I don't know if I will do this forever, but I know that my present employment situation is doing more than lining my pockets. I enjoy what I do, which every time I tell another person in the same department, they tell me I haven't been there long enough.

I never really respond to the negativity because, truth be told, I didn't enter this job haphazardly. I knew it would require much more than any job I've had before. I knew it would kill my pride. I knew I would be challenged. But one thing can be said about me - I never back down from a challenge. I might step back and take a better look, but I will never run from a challenge so long as God has my back.

I don't really interact with a lot of other people at work, either. At first, I felt bad about that. But now, I realize that many of the women (mainly women) I work with either (a) don't like me, (b) have their own things going on (cliques and whatnot) or (c) are too nosy about my affairs. I keep my distance from naysayers, and I do my job to the best of my ability. That's what I do to keep myself inspired every day. And I keep my fire lit - the fire on the inside that reminds me of the passion I had burning on the inside when I applied for this job.

I'm not perfect at what I do, but I am passionate. If nothing else, that is what keeps me walking in the door everyday.

What about you?

Preparing for September

2010-08-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

Thanks FullComplexity for the comment. You made me realize that I need to keep up on what used to be really important to me.

I have taken way too much time away from my writing on here (again). Life is happening way too fast for me to keep up, quite honestly. At the same time, I know that I cannot escape from who I am as a writer, artist, lover of books, lover of art.

The long and short of my life right now is that I am working hard at my job, building rapport with my families, loving the kids that have such difficult beginnings, and being better at what I believe God has called me to do. I struggle at times with having enough time in the day to be a SuperHero. But at the end of the day, I celebrate the fact that I am still me and I don't have to be a SuperHero. I can just be Myama Myowne and that is enough, for now.

In a month's time, other things have changed.

The guy I met disappeared back into the crazy world where I found him (or to be more exact, where I bumped into him). He wasn't the simple man I thought I wanted. He was way more complex than I realized, more layered than I care to deal with right now, more of a mystery than I desired to figure out. And the truth is the older I get, the less I like complex. Complex in his sense of being was annoying and wierd and not at all what I need. So he has melted back into anonymity. And to be honest, it is better that way.

My book sales for all intents and purposes are at a standstill, though I could be wrong. Haven't got the first royalty statements from Amazon.com yet. I haven't had any engagements yet and I haven't had a chance to do much marketing but I am hoping that I will be able to do more in another month or so. I am proud of the book, but I realize that I am not a marketing agent and am struggling with getting the book in the right hands.

Any ideas???

For now I am back...ready to jump full-fledged into Myowneworld. And life is still crazy. My prayer is that I will gain the necessary balance to be a part of it, fully there. Starting in September, I am hoping to post more interesting tidbits from my hectic life at least twice a week. I feel better already...

Way Too Long...

2010-07-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted on here in eons and I should be spanked for that. I have been so busy at work and publishing the book that I haven't been writing on here or anywhere else. Please forgive me for being so lazy.

I have so much to tell since my last post. I had my first book release party and signing and am hoping for many, many more. That was just an opportunity to see if I could do it and it worked out just fine. I didn't have a plethora of attendants but it was great being in an intimate setting with people that care so much about my dreams.

My job is going well and I am building my caseload. It is so much to remember for each case that I think I need to take some vitamins or something, but I am glad that I am in the trenches, doing the hard work of repairing families (or at least trying to). I do feel a bit lonely at work but with so much to do, I don't have a lot of time for fraternizing anyway.

I have met a really nice guy who is slowly stealing my heart. I of course don't want to rush anything with any of these things but I don't want to deny myself the pleasure of caring about someone and something bigger than myself.

Honestly, life is good. Things are constantly changing around me before I know what to do about any of it.

I have left the church I attended in my city of residence, and although that was hard and my relationship with my godmother has become distant (it's not like it hadn't become that anyway), I am so glad I stepped out in faith. It's so important to be where you are supposed to be even at the risk of changing your entire life.

That's where I am right now.

And now, we are in the midst of summer's warmth and new beginnings and love. That is the way life should be.

Father to the Fatherless

2010-04-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

My book is in the final stages of production through Xlibris Publishing. I chose to self-publish rather than wait and wait for a publisher to pick it up. I had sent the book to various publishers two years ago and had some positive responses. However, because of the economy no one wanted to take a risk on an unknown author, no matter how good the concept or how good the read.

So?

I took a risk on myself - invested my own money in the project, marketed the book before it was even out amongst friends, family, and co-workers. I am not looking to be at the top of the New York Times Bestseller list (though that would be nice). I am not even looking for reviews in literary magazines.

I have a message that I believe God wants me to say to this present generation, and no editor at a publishing company can dictate when that message should get out. I know that mainstream publishing is the way to go if you want to make a name for yourself. But right now, that is NOT the most important message I want to send. Lots of people de-bunk self publishing, but I happen to believe that if you have worked for years on a project you believe in, you put your money where your mouth is and push that thing out for yourself. You don't wait on anybody and you don't hide behind the mantra that you wrote the book simply for the work's sake.

That is admirable but it wouldn't be true. I think it is better to be truthful with yourself - especially as a creative person. If you are writing, painting, singing, acting, and sculpting just for the work's sake, then wonderful and keep at it because it is accomplishing the purpose meant for it. But if you are opening a vein and pouring out of yourself, then be real about that too. If you intend for your work to reach an audience, drive it there yourself. Wait for no man to affirm your gift; affirm yourself and others will follow.

It would be a horrible thing to put that manuscript in a box under my bed because the publishing companies that could publish it don't think it's worth the risk. I happen to believe I and my book am worth the risk, so I will handle the business of getting my book into the right hands myself. If I don't believe in me, who else will?

The book should hopefully be released and available for purchase by the middle of May. Stay tuned!

Moving on...Momentum

2010-03-12T08:47:00.000-08:00

I am in a constant state of motion (it seems). My life is moving so fast that sometimes I can't keep up with it. I am ready to publish my next book, getting more acclimated to my job, and getting ready to change churches, I am wondering how all things are taking place without my being able to contemplate my next move. This is so unlike me. I still battle with loneliness and depression but it's like I can't even focus on what's going in my head when those feelings hit me. God is moving beyond my expectations and sometimes it gets scary. But I'm here and am hurtling toward destiny.

It's March already and I have been so behind in my posting on here, but I am determined to stay on top of my writing. So basically I am back to being me again now that I am regaining my footing.

New Year, New Challenges

2010-01-17T07:31:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy start to a new year for me, with a new job, my godmother's surgery, having to make the decision to send the girls back to their home county, and getting ready to publish my books. But I have to remember as with anything else that I can't do anything without God, no matter how I may try (because to be truthful, we all do, and then we end up looking foolish). So everyday, I start out acknowledging that I need Him more than I need anything or anyone else. When you are young and have no limitations, the temptation is to think you can live life without God's intervention and without seeking His face for everything. I have been guilty of that, but I feel that urgency to pray, to rekindle the relationship I had with Him at the start, and return to my first love. God is my first love and sometimes, stupidly, I try to seek another when I know that there is no one else that could ever love me like Him.

So, now, once again...I start over...

Frustration and Stress and then...PEACE...

2009-12-04T10:06:00.000-08:00

Peace is not the absence of war. It is the embrace of the Prince of Peace in the midst of war.

I am learning that everyday now, as I wrestle with my emotions about the situation my family is in right now. I think of the Scripture I read this morning before beginning my day today:

John 14:27 (Amplified Version) "Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]"

I read this with new eyes, as if the familiarity was no longer the blindfold that had shielded my eyes each time I had read it before. I read it while a soft whisper resounding in my ear assured me that Christ was in the room with me, as I swallowed the words.

I can choose to accept the peace that Christ gives. He gives it to me freely, but I have to reach out my hand to take it. I can refuse it and try to remedy situations like the ones I am facing now, as my niece and her sisters' lives hang in the balance, precariously. I can try to block out my emotions by listening to music that does not feed my achey soul and instead feeds my lust for a carnal distraction. I can try to be a stoic, mature person whom is not touched by the reality that the children in my life are depending on me to pray for them and instead choose to hope for the best instead of lifting them up.

Or...I can grab hold to this Word and say, "I choose Peace."

I choose Christ's peace today. I choose to trust Christ when He says His peace is not like the world's peace because that peace has never been a sustaining, perpetual peace. It has been fleeting and momentarily fulfilling. Then it disappears. Like it did yesterday when I stalked around my house like a raging lunatic, shouting out my defiance and declarations.

I choose to believe that Christ's peace is more than alcohol, boyfriends, food, shopping, and even the distraction of work. It is that which stays with me in the night when there is nothing else to do and no one else to take my focus.

I will stop allowing myself to be agitated and angry and a cursing Peter. I stop allowing myself to become unsettled, fearful, intimidated, cowardly...disturbed. I do not want to be a disturbed individual. No one wants to be around disturbed individuals.

I choose to accept Christ's peace today.

When Someone Says Thank You

2009-11-30T06:04:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday (as can be seen from the silly picture above) with my family, my "children" and my mom. There were no tears shed, there were no arguments. There was only good food, laughter, movies, and the sound of children talking and playing in the house. For me that is what is most important about the holidays. My mom and I are establishing our own traditions, mirroring the traditions we had in yesteryear when my grandparents were still alive and I was a little girl.

Last night as I talked with my 18-year-old niece, I realized that some things have to remain as a legacy. Family must be a present reality in the lives of the children that are growing up in our home. There is so much missing and I refuse to miss the tiny powerful mmoments of love that they need today. I want my grandparents legacy of family to live on when I am gone too.

My niece told me last night that she appreciates my mom and I so much for being there for her, even though her parents did not. Her mother and father seem to hate the presence of family so much that they tried to convince her that the only way to make it through life was independently, unattached, "on your own." But we have tried so hard to show her that everybody needs somebody, and family must be constant. True love starts there.

She said to me, "Thank you, Auntie Mya." Tears filled my eyes as I remembered the bullets shot through my heart when her mother tried to separate us from her for some crazy reason, and I fought to stay (even on the fringes of her life) because I loved her so very deeply. I remembered the arrows my own brother had shot through my soul out of selfish ambition and hatred. I felt the wounds still somewhat fresh from the last battle I had waged against him when it came down to telling my story in "Father to the Fatherless."

And I knew then that the warfare, the battle for her heart, her soul, her future was and still is worth it. She left me with these words:

"I don't know how I make it through each day; I don't know how I do what I do. I just do. I don't even remember yesterday. All I see is my future."

My 18-year-old baby is a mother to a 2-year-old curly haired boy, who understands far more than I ever imagined what family means - even when neither of her parents are there to teach her. I see her future too, and I am excited for her as well.

Finding Art in the Foreign Soil of Life

2009-11-24T07:23:00.001-08:00

Reading Leeana Tankersley's new book, Found Art, was reading the internal map of a woman whose life is in a constant place of discovery. Some discoveries are beautiful, immortal; others speak of the hurt and despair of this world that highlight the enormity of our mortality. As a woman married to a United States serviceman, her life became something far more than what she could have ever imagined it would be, when she said "I do." It became more than a mission of living a new combined life with a husband and a newly constructed household. It became a purpose she had to accomplish within herself, a world she had to be introduced to, a way of finding the art lying hidden beneath the surface.

Change is never easy.

The foreign soil of a life utterly uprooted and changed time and again tested Leeana to the breaking point at times. But the reality that she had to accept and the lesson her writing teaches anyone who reads her book is that the truest sign of that acceptance is the ability to appreciate the beauty in the most foreign of places, in the most strange circumstances which call upon all of us to reach for God even in the most unconventional of ways. God exists in the unfamiliar as much as the familiar. God's peace can exist even when our lives are anything but peaceful.

The precious emblems of life, the art that we find in the ruins of life, are the very tokens of belief that we all need to push forward when God requires so much more than we believe we can give. This what Leeana's book is about - the finding of those moments, those emblems, those irreplaceable artifacts of life that point to God's enormous grace in the face of life's challenges. This is her story, uniquely hers and uniquely powerful as all testimonies are, but it is also her permission to us all - to live with our eyes, our heart, our minds wide open even when we are afraid to do so.

Book Reviews: Trying This Again

2009-11-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

I tried to start doing this last year when I began this blog but never quite got the hang of reviewing books as I said I would do. So I am going to start this endeavor again, choosing a book off "Myowne Bookshelf" to review. The first book I have selected to review is "Found Art" by Leeana Tankersley who is a friend of a writer that I have connected with after attending the Calvin College Festival of Faith and Writing almost two years ago (Shauna Niequist, whose blog is listed below). Stay tuned to a future post that will review her book.

A Mother's Prayer

2009-10-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

This is the prayer of my heart today, as I care for the children entrusted to my care, the three little girls that needed a home and needed my heart:

Lord, please help me to be the best mom I can be at this time, for these precious babies you have lent to us. Please help me impact their lives in a positive way, giving them the opportunities to experience life like they never have before. Do not let me cause any more harm, stress, pain, or grief than they have already experienced in their short lives. Please be our Provision, our Source, our Peace, our Safety.

Thank you for the privilege of mothering another's children. Being a mother is such an honor that I would never take it lightly...

In Jesus Precious Name...thank you Father for giving me your Fathering and Mothering Heart...Help me to always see them like you see them...Queen Esthers for their generation...

Beautiful Additions

2009-10-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

My sister friend Tashara and her husband Idris have a new baby boy added to their family about a little more than a month ago. His name is Raphiel and has joined his brother Josiah in Myowneworld's Beautiful Baby Club. Wouldn't you agree?

Derrion Albert...the Face Behind the War for Our Youth

2009-10-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

The youth violence that is so prevalent in the major cities of this country is so heartbreaking. Hearing the story of the young man that killed outside of his high school on Chicago's South Side made me realize that as a believer in Christ, I have to hit my knees and prayer more vigorously for the children and teens in this country.

I saw the video of this baby being beaten to death senselessly by a group of young men displaying dangerous out of control behavior. I saw this baby lose his life when he had nothing to do with the riot. I saw his mother weeping for her son. And I realized something.

The sound of the trumpet must be raised; the alarm of spiritual warfare for our children must resound across this land. There is no reason for all this violence except Satan himself wants to destroy our kids. Some people think it is a race issue, and perhaps it is. Some think it is a socioeconomic issue. It is partially that. But what we need to know is that there is a diabolical plot by the enemy of our souls to destroy mankind, starting with our children and teens. The enemy is seeking to devour our babies. The issues that spur the violence are not the reason for the violence.

There is a root cause that the Church must combat through fasting, prayer, and action. It is not enough to carry out the spiritual disciplines. It is not enough to pray. It is not enough to take action by physically being present. We must do all three things to make the impact this nation and this world needs.

When I Don't Know What God Has in Mind...

2009-10-01T05:39:00.000-07:00

I embrace His will anyway.

Yesterday, I made room in my house for the arrival of two children. My niece is living with my mom and I after a long spiritual, physical, and emotional battle with the foster care system in Kent County, Michigan.

We received a phone call last week that the foster care agency would like for us to take her little sisters as well.

They are really just babies (5 and 2 years old respectively) and have been bounced from foster home to foster home. In my heart, I have wanted all three in my home since all this mess took place.

And now, the babies are coming.

I have always wanted to impact children in some way. The mothering heart beating within me has always desired to be a mother, and although this may only be temporary, I believe that for this small space in time, God wants me to open my heart, my life, and my home to these precious girls.

This is not the way I planned for my life to go, but I am willing to do whatever God has in mind. I am surrendering my will in exchange for His. And after reading Pastoral Musings from Rain City today, I realize that having that mentality is just what God desires. (If you have time, read the post for October 1st.) Being ready for my plans to change because God has His own agenda for me is the measure of being a Christian, that is the least that I can do.

And I am okay with that. I take joy in the fact that I have a chance to impact a life (three of them) and hopefully one day, the God that I love will be able to use this time of planting a seed of love to yield a bountiful harvest in their lives later.

Hair, Hair, Brand New Hair

2009-09-28T05:21:00.000-07:00

So here are some pics of my new coiffure. I decided I needed a drastic change to my outside as my inside is changing too. I have always wanted to dye my hair a bold artistic color. I am by no means a behind the scenes, incognito, shy person. I used to be, especially when I was a little girl. But as I've gotten older, I've realized that I love me, I love the person God made me to be, and there is no reason to be ashamed of her. It is okay to do what I was born to do: STAND OUT.

Here's to a brand new me.

Art Portfolio: Picture #2

2009-09-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

The title of this piece is "Playing With Mommy's Hair."

The baby in this picture loves touching her mother's hair, which amuses the mother to no end. The baby's surprised expression shows that not only is she experiencing a little heaven on earth as she feels the senation of her mother's hair in her little fist, but she is pleasantly surprised that someone caught her enjoying herself.

Perhaps one day she will grow up to have beautiful hair like her mommy. But until then she will explore, appreciating her mommy as only she can.

I am thinking that my portfolio will feature women and their glory. Hair is so important to us all - it crowns our queenly nature. So this portfolio will deal exclusively with what it means to be a woman, what we celebrate, the beauty God has given to all of us. We'll see the direction the portfolio will take us in later posts.

Essence of Spirit Artistic Expressions

2009-09-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

This is one of my first pictures in my new art portfolio. I am returning to my first loves: art and writing. I have been embracing my call as a writer for a while now, but art kind of got put on the back burner. But, forgetting about how much I used to love drawing as a child and a teenager, how I used to hang my pictures on the wall of my bedroom, how I used to imagine painting, working with clay, and drawing as a way of life, and how I hoped that one day I could represent my name's meaning (Essence of Spirit) to the fullest both in the literary and art worlds would be like forgetting who I am on the inside.

This picture is something I've been working on for a little while. The thing I like the most is the detail in the woman's afro and the look in her eyes. Her stare is so penetrating, makes you wonder what she is thinking, makes you realize that there is so much more to her than what meets the eye. If you look closely you will see words hidden in her hair (the Fruit of the Spirit, listed in Galatians 5:22-23).

I can only hope I can start doing more art like this on a much broader scale, like my mom's best friend Jo used to do. I also hope to return to painting again and working with clay again.

I went to a art festival a couple weeks ago and when I saw people just like me with a passion for birthing artistic pieces, I knew I could not use excuses anymore as to why I am not producing. I am behind schedule, so it is time to get busy. My plan is to present a portfolio to the artistic director at Studio 1219, a art gallery in Port Huron. I want to start displaying my work instead of keeping it to myself.

Let me know what you think of this piece... The title of this work is "Fruit of the Spirit."

Ten Things I Never Thought Would Happen

2009-09-14T11:01:00.001-07:00

I will be 32 in less than a month...imagine that... Time flies when you are having...fun...

In celebration of nearly 32 years of life I would like to compile a list of things I definitely didn't plan on by the time I reached 32.

I never thought...

(10) I'd be THIS chubby. (As one of my older cousins said to herself when she began the BWS - Black Women's Spread - "HAS IT COME TO THIS?") And go figure, I haven't had babies yet. BWS ususally happens AFTER children. Apparently, I am in trouble...apparently I am jumping the gun.

(9) I'd be living with my mother - AGAIN. Her wearing muu-muus around the house are seriously a scary, yet hilarious sight. My next question is, will that be me in another 32 years?

(8) I'd be living in a town lamer than the one I grew up in. I have literally seen tractors being driven down main throughfares and have had to shake my head in disbelief. I also have shaken my head at the number of restaurants that close at 9 on a Saturday night.

(7) I'd be single, not any closer to marriage than I was at 16, and fighting off the advances of married men...some being the husbands of some of my friends (or used-to-be friends). Must have a sign on my forehead or on my t-shirt or on my car's license plate. They are coming out of the woodwork like roaches.

(6) I'd be raising the child of my older brother rather than my own child. I think I may be too tired when it's time for my own hard-headed 16-year-old. Especially if the clothes get littler, skimpier, sexier. My child will be wearing a garbage bag if trends keep going the way they are going.

(5) I'd have to plan for vacations months in advance just to cancel them because the money I had saved for the occasion sprouted wings and took flight. It seemed like when I was younger, money was in unlimited supply...especially when it was somebody else's...

(4) I'd get my hair done every three months or so instead of every weekend (like I had planned). Now, I just make the "do" do what it wants to do. Scary thought, huh? It's mostly combed every day.

(3) I'd beg to go on "What Not to Wear" just so I could replace my wardrobe with a whole new one. Still trying to figure out how to pretend like I would be soooo surprised that one of my (great, wonderful, sensitive, and caring) friends recommended me for the show since technically I can't recomend myself.

(2) I'd no longer be the fun aunt my nieces and nephews used to adore (or at least like to be around). Maybe they were just being kind...maybe I wasn't that fun to begin with...

(1) I'd be so ornery and creaky...like a little old lady...joints popping when I get out of a sitting position or when I climb stairs.

And now, here's the flip side...then things I never imagined I would be doing.

I never thought I would enjoy:

(10) Going to the gym, to get rid of all this...stuff...and there is a lot of...stuff...

(9) Eating salad instead of chocolate.

(8) Telling myself that I would be okay if I wasn't a size six ever again in life.

(7) Dancing to the latest jams using old school moves (like my mom used to do). And how I (my nieces) would laugh at her (me).

(6) Being such a goody-goody. The piercings have closed, the hair is all one color (mostly), and the tight jeans have been shipped off to Goodwill since the tightness uncomfortably squeezes my thick thighs. It's not as fun as it looks, fellas, to smash all this into that.

(5) Listening to jazz instead of hip-hop and rap as my music of choice. Don't get me wrong I do like some bass and bounce in my car but when I am chilling, I love to chillax to the jazz station. Go figure.

(4) Telling stories from "back in my day..."

(3) Going to church more than I enjoy going to a nightclub. Who would have thunk it? The girl that used to hit the floor with her girls on a Friday night now would prefer an open mic night for singles at a church called Revolution?

(2) Going to art shows, poetry readings, and movies alone. I used to invite people to go with me, but the older I get the more I prefer the pleasure of my own company.

(1) Enjoy my relationship with Jesus more than the day before. As a teen I didn't think it could be any more carefree than it was then. But now...

Gaining Clarity for my Next Season

2009-08-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would want to come back home to Grand Rapids. I never thought I would miss it. But the funny thing is as much as I want to be adventurous and move somewhere else by myself, I know I am not ready to leave my family and friends just yet. I know at some point (perhaps when I am married) I will leave Michigan. But being separated from my godchildren and nieces and nephews is not desirable at this time. And also, I believe that I have found my next church home. If you recall, earlier this year, I was wrestling with leaving my current church in Port Huron. It's not that it isn't a progressive ministry; I just believe that I have outgrown it and need something more.

I do believe leaving that ministry has to be strategic and planned by God. I can't just walk out because I love my godmother deeply, sincerely, and because she is working so hard to maintain the ministry, I can't just walk out on her. But I am planning to talk to her about it when she and I return from our respective vacations. I know that I cannot stay forever, and my heart strings are being pulled in a different direction.

God will give me the time and the season that I can return home to Grand Rapids and subsequently to leave the ministry that I have been a part of for the last nearly 12 years. It's not easy but I know the right time will present itself soon.

Hmmm...

2009-08-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently black people from Port Huron don't like the 4-H Fair. Must have something to do with the Confederate flags flying around.

And yet my friend and her husband and her precious baby daughter were there with me, laughing at the possibility that there were really people there that didn't think we belonged in the vicinity. But as always, we do belong. I make it quite clear that I don't live in the boxes my grandparents and great-grandparents had to. I remember the stories of segregation and hatred and brutality and Confederate flags symbolizing closed doors, and I stare into the eyes of those that are surprised to see me at the Goodell's County Fair. I stare into their eyes and by staring at them dare them to say a word to me about the self-imposed reality they live in. It's not my reality, I say silently. I have somewhere to get to - a place my forefathers never thought they would ever go. So if these arrogant, racist strangers want to stay in a place of separation that's their choice, but as long as I have the opportunity to do so, I will show up wherever there's corndogs and ferris wheels and country music. Because I can.

Interesting Country Type Stuff

2009-08-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

I am about to go to the Goodell's County Fair with a good sister friend of mine in a few minutes. Let me say this first. I am definitely a big city girl, but I do like a little bit of country. This means music and country fairs and bonfires with smores. But when it comes down to actually living on a farm, I suddenly morph into big city chick. We'll see how the city girl likes a 4-H Fair...

It's Time to Sit Down...

2009-07-31T15:10:00.000-07:00

I am officially unemployed for a month. I should be worried, but I am simply too tired to be worried. I am planning on sitting on a beach near my house equipped with all the necessary books (#1 being my Bible), pens, and notebooks for days of hearing God's voice, writing, and getting rejuvenated so I can move into a new season. I can think of nothing better to do. I have given so much of me that I need to have time to just be quiet and let God pour Himself into my life again. There is nothing else I'd rather do right now. It's not that I am loving the possibility of not making money or having to go on unemployment, but I need a serious break, a serious retreat...

So, here I go...

30 days...

Slacker!

2009-07-28T18:13:00.001-07:00

I have not written on here in a while and I feel that I need to play catch up. There has been a lot going on, so I promise (at least to myself) to post more after this week. I will be off for a month from work, so I will have plenty of time to write then.

My Fondest Memory of Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T05:57:00.000-07:00

It broke my heart yesterday to hear that the singer of the soundtrack of my childhood died yesterday. I have to say that I believe Michael Jackson may have had physical ailments no one was aware of but one ailment he did suffer from that we all were cognizant of was his broken heart. He had been ostracized and rejected by an American society that was ready to put a noose around his neck as a result of false abuse allegations. The love America once had for him dried up and he was left wondering why people were so quick to label him as a pedophile just because he would rather be with children than with adults. Sometimes, I feel just like him.

I believe that he simply was a wounded man from childhood that had never been given the chance to be a child, so when he became an adult he tried to regain what he had lost. Apparently no one had ever told him that regaining childhood is impossible, and when you try to, people look at you like you're crazy.

Which is exactly what happened.

And now, he is dead, I believe, of a broken heart. Rejection can kill you.

But as I remember with the rest of the world today what a great, one-of-a-kind artist he was, I want to tell you a little story.

Picture this: 1982, Southeast side of Grand Rapids, Michigan, 636 Thomas Street to be exact, a bright living room with an antique record player. A four-year-old girl with pig tails, barrettes, and a colorful outfit begs her grandma to "Play the Jackson Five for me, pleeeease?" The grandma, not usually a fan of secular music, having been raised in the church with the awareness that all secular music has the ability to send you to hell, smiles broadly, knowing her only granddaughter loved music, loved to sing, loved to dance, and above all loved Michael Jackson. Everyone in the family knew this; a cousin called all the time to ask the little girl if she was still in love with Michael Jackson and if she still planned to marry him. The answer was always yes.

The little girl's grandma carefully removed the 45 from it's jacket and placed the disc on the turntable, and suddenly her granddaughter's favorite song of all, "ABC", projected from the speakers. The little girl immediately began dancing and bopping all around the living room, singing along to every word. Her grandma stood in the doorway of the living room laughing and bopping right along with her baby.

That little girl was me. The music my grandma played for me was one of the happiest memories I had growing up. My home life was so dysfunctional and when I went to visit my granparents' home, that was the one time I could dance and sing and be a kid and make someone else dance and sing and lay down all the constraints that religion and life and even poverty tried to place on her.

When Michael died yesterday, I felt like part of my childhood went with him. I felt the sincere loss of the days when I could be with my grandma in her house. She went home to be with the Lord in 2005 and as long as I had his music I could relive those days with her. I know it makes very little sense, but his music represented happier times for me - not only when I was four but throughout my childhood and adolescence.

I pray today for his family, his children, and others like me that appreciated his existence. I pray he found the peace that evaded him while he was alive. I hope he knows that he really was loved, even by a little four-year-old dancing around her grandma's living room.

What Happens When We Fight Back...

2009-06-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago I wrote about a major issue that was taking place in my family that had literally thrown me to my knees. My niece and her siblings had been placed in foster care, though my niece and one of her sisters should have been placed with their fathers or their fathers' families. My mother and I decided to join alongside my brother in the fight for his rights as a father to parent his child or at least to have a say-so in where his daughter should go, since her mother had not maintained her parental standing.

I talked about the frustrations of watching how Michigan and specifically Kent County had botched the case and how our family had been literally undergone character assassination every time we stood up in protest. It has not been an easy battle but I believed then, as I still do now, that families should not be splintered and the real battle was between us and Satan himself, the chief destroyer of families.

It has taken what seems like forever (but really only since November) to get some measure of victory. The truth is God taught my hands to war with wisdom and with the gifts and abilities He has given me to wage war spiritually and naturally. The pen is truly mightier than the sword. The Spirit of God instructed me on how to complete an impacting fight as a Christian by using that same pen.

I wrote a formal complaint to the state, wrote letters to others, and stood in faith believing that I was standing on the side of righteousness against racism, classism, and even judicial injustice. After God showed me where to go and what to do, He taught me how to trust Him and wait.

And now, my family has regained custody of my niece, and in fact, I am still fighting to keep the girls together ultimately if they are not returned to the permanent care of their mother. The battle we waged shook some pretty influential places and positions and I believe it made lots of people remember that truth prevails, even if that truth comes from the mouth of a seemingly insignifcant African-American grandmother and her big-mouth wordsmith of a daughter.

The end result I hope is much bigger than a victory for my family. I hope other families will begin strengthening their families too so that children aren't separated by a system that truly means well but sometimes makes life-altering mistakes that the children will pay for for the rest of their lives.

Thank you to those who prayed for my brother, my niece, and my family. We certainly needed it then, and we still need it now. There is much more to the story that is in fact still happening but this is where God has brought us for now. One thing I know for sure, those who believe in the cause of the Kingdom of God should never remain silent in the face of injustice - even if you don't know if it matters or not. Your voice matters more than you can ever know.

What is in a Name?

2009-06-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago, my first cousin Kamani and his wife Amber had their third son, a boy that will follow his older brothers that stand admiringly over his bassinet, I am sure, everyday. The brothers, Kamani Jr. and Jaheim are already fighting over who will love him more.

My cousin and his wife decided to name this baby boy directly and indirectly after our grandfather, Harrison "King" Jones, Sr. I complained a bit when I heard my cousin say that they would possibly choose the name Harrison for their new son (as this is his father's name as well). But I have hidden that name in the treasure chest of the future, hoping to name my first son Harrison William after the names of the greatest father figures I could ever have. The truth is, my cousin had every right to name his son Harrison, but instead he decided on a much different, wonderfully powerful name that I love for that little boy. The very name speaks of greatness.

My new baby cousin is named Kingston Xxavior. I think the name is brilliant. He will be called "King" after my grandfather. And for our family, this is an amazing tribute to the man that helped teach us all what family is truly all about. My grandfather's nickname was given because he truly was a man above men, a wise sage in the community in which we all grew up.

And so, I welcome Kingston Xxavior - already thinking of a poem to write in honor of his name, already thinking of the power that his very name connotes. I look forward to what this little boy will grow up to be...

Cold Tangerines

2009-06-05T08:40:00.001-07:00

I met an author about a year ago at Calvin College's Festival of Faith and Writing 2008, and I attended a reading she gave in a workshop regarding her book, Cold Tangerines. Her ability to capture the simplicity of faith and the enjoyment of life was exactly what I needed at that moment. For me, faith and church life and my spiritual walk had become way too complicated. When I was a child and teenager, early on in my faith, the love of God was a simply profound reality. It had not become muddled with the issues that can convolute faith in our adulthood.

Shanua Niequist, author of this fantastic orange book, helped remind of the days when I enjoyed life and the small details that make life what it is. Her words reminded me that my life with God could be a deep wellspring springing up into everlasting life.

I am recommending this book to anyone that was in the place I was in - wrestling with having a genuine yet simple faith in God in the face of life's distractions and difficulties. As part of writing this I am going to start including books that I am reading or have read and would recommend. Shauna's book, mentioned before on this blog, is still for me what I need in good reading - a reminder of what the faith walk should truly be about. I think the reason so many people wrestle with faith is because we have a tendency of making it so farfetched and out-of-reach. That is not what God intended. Let's get back to the days when we can enjoy glasses of lemonade, cold tangerines, children's laughter, the kiss of a sunset, the majesty of dawn. That is the point and Shauna has made it.

More Bay Harbor Pics

2009-06-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

These pictures are of my co-workers and I on our trip last month. It took me a while to get them. We truly enjoyed oursevles in the cozy resort area. It was so pretty that I wouldn't mind getting married there one day...

My Trip to Bay Harbor, MI

2009-05-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

This is one of the first pics that I took when we got to Bay Harbor. The hotel was so beautiful and the time away was so relaxing that we hated to leave. I forgot my camera, though, so I will post some pics as soon as I get them. Everybody else had theirs...and boy, did we have fun!

Heading Out

2009-05-04T15:26:00.001-07:00

My co-workers and I are headed to a conference in probably one of the prettiest spots in Michigan. I have never actually been to Bay Harbor, Michigan, but I am a lover of the Great Lakes and sunrises and sunsets and being away from home for a couple days. I will post pictures and write a little more about my mini-adventure in wine country as well, if we make it there.

Until then...

I know my last post was a bit wierd but it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. This guy that I have somewhat befriended, against my better judgment, was in my head that day. I apologize profusely for being so silly when I KNOW the man God has for me is FOR ME. Please forgive and please PRAY that I don't give up my faith that my husband will be home soon...

Dear Chozen One (A Letter to the Man on the Fringes of My Life, Existing in Silence for Now)

2009-04-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

I have thought in many ways how to just pretend that I never heard your voice or saw inside your mind.

I have thought of many ways how to imagine that you are not a small part of my life right now...a life I was living quite fine without you.

I have thought of many ways to release myself from my imagination, erasing your phone number from my cell phone, not texting or calling you only to get no response until you feel like being bothered. It's too early for this. We only just met and you have no right to make me feel like you don't need me.

I met you in a more influential way a month ago. You called me first and I returned the call, even though you thought I would not.

I had never thought about if there was a possibility of an "us" because "she" is still there harassing your very existence. I did not know she was capable of making your life unbearable or of breaking your heart. I did not want to know that you are questioning if the son you all supposedly had together was actually yours or if he belonged to your once-upon-a-time friend. I didn't want to know.

But then we went to the movies after a few phone conversations, and I realized that you may be closer to what I really want than I dared to admit.

I knew she was going to make your life a living hell, as you all spiraled through court filings and lawyers and the end of a marital contract. I knew she was going to give one final blow to your heart, and all you wanted was for it to be over. You wanted your life back.

But now...you don't call because you do not want to mix the old with the new. You do not want the new life you could build with me in it with the life you had with this woman that quite possibly never loved you.

I apologized to you on Saturday because she is less than a woman for all the things she put you through. I wanted you to admit that you also opened the door to heartache when you married her anyway, those few years ago, even when you knew she was a nutcase. I want to believe it is because you wanted to be a real man for her, though I am convinced that she did not deserve you.

I told you that I wanted to be cautious when speaking about her because I did not know her and she is the mother of your son (whether he is yours remains to be seen and even if he is not, you are his legal father according to the law). You said you knew you would have to be bothered with her at least until your son is 18. She would never be completely gone. That is a long time, and I pondered even as you spoke those words if I really should be involved with you after all. I want nothing to do with her, if we are going to give a friendship and a deeper relationship a try after you are legally done with her.

I want to be separate. But how separate from you and your drama do I want to be? Am I really willing to wait for you?

The truth is...I looked into your eyes. I heard your voice. I saw how your mind works. And I may not want to just give you up just yet. Maybe I should just stick around and see what the end will be.

Revolution!

2009-04-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

I attended the church of my former youth pastor and loved every second of it. By far it is one of the best churches in my hometown. I felt right at home, truly. If you are ever in Grand Rapids, Michigan be sure to stop by Revolution Christian Ministries.

The service was just what I needed and I walked away so refreshed. I hate to say it but my home church here in Port Huron doesn't really make me feel that way. It's a good church but I don't feel really challenged by the culture there. I wish I could move back to GR just so I could be a part of the Revolution...

I've Been Tagged Too

2009-04-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

You've been tagged in this note so now you have to answer these questions by copy/pasting into a new note and tagging 20 of your friends. Do your worst!

1. Describe your worst date?
The guy begged my friend to hook us up and when I finally consented to a date he walked me around Eastown (in Grand Rapids, MI) and then after talking my ear off took me home without taking me out to eat. Wow. And I like to eat. And real dates should consist of food or even water. That was our last date. Because I like to eat. And apparently he doesn't. Or he was on a " full fast." Whatevs...

2. Who was your worst girlfriend/boyfriend?
All of the boyfriends I had left something to be desired. Except ______. We were supposed to get married but it just didn't work out.

3. What was your worst subject in school?
Math

4. Describe the worst job you ever had?
Residential assistant at St. John's Home (residential home for teens).

5. Who was the worst friend you ever had?
I have never had any really bad friends.

6. What was your worst sexual experience?
No comment. Because I shouldn't have been involved in a good or bad one since I'm not married. And it's no one's business if I did. Which I am not saying that I did or didn't.

7. What was your worst parenting moment?
No kids.

8. Where was your worst vacation?
Haven't had one yet. Not a real one anyway. I usually say I am on vacation when I don't want to be bothered and do not want anyone to ask me to do anything.

9. Who is the worst role model in your life?
No one.

10. What is the worst lie you ever told?
I don't lie...OOOPS...that was my worst lie.

11. What is the worst thing you ever considered doing or did do?
I plead the fifth because if I answer it will change how people view me. HA!

12. What is the worst food you ever tasted?
These chicken wings I had on Saturday at a restaurant in Holland, MI that a friend and I went to. They weren't done all the way and I immediately sent those bad boys back. UGH!

13. What is the worst cell phone service?
Nextel.

14. Where is the worst place to live?
Hell! or The projects. Then again what's the difference? (Ditto, Talulazoeapple!!!!) I don't plan on living in either one. EVER.

15. What is a fate worst than death?
I don't think there is one.

Famous Friend

2009-04-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Tashara (the mother of Josiah, whose pics graces earlier posts) was on Oprah last Friday as part of a group of women talking about their marital sex lives. She always manages to make her way onto television (her last appearance was on a designed to sell home improvement show). I thought it was great that she said she wants her husband to be dominant in the bedroom.

Maybe when I get married, I can tell a television viewing audience that I like my husband to show me who's boss in the bedroom. Or not. At any case, I bet her husband got a kick out of hearing that his wife enjoys his rambunctious side while in throes of passionate lovemaking. If he didn't...I did.

I just love my friend...she tells it like it is.

If you didn't see the show, check out the interview on Oprah.com entitled "What Women Really Want" and hopefully you'll be able to find her. There were only two black women on the panel and she is the one sitting closer to the camera on the "front row".

50 Words (copied from FullComplexity)

2009-04-01T05:02:00.000-07:00

I thought this was pretty cool to try. Here goes:

1. Beer: An acquired taste, but not a refined taste
2. Food: Comfort
3. Relationships: Change according to the season
4. Your CRUSH: Don't have one anymore
5. Power Rangers: Wierd attire (whole body suits?)
6. Life: We only have one
7. The President: The World's Most Powerful Black Man
8. Yummy: Sunrises with a cup of Biggby Chai in front of Lake Huron
9. Cars: Freedom to Sing as Loud as I Want (even if other drivers stare at me)
10. Movies: Going to one tonight with a new guy-friend
11. Halloween: Most demonic night of the year
12. Sex: Female
13. Religion: The opposite of a Relationship with God
14. Hate: The opposite of Love
15. Fear: The opposite of Faith
16. Marriage: The Best Ministry of All
17. Blondes: My Twin Sister Toya and My Niece Brooklynn
18. Slippers: Comfy after walking in heels all day
19. Shoes: Time to buy some new ones
20. Asians: Culturally Sound
21. Past time: Reading Great Books
22. One night stand: What I will have every night with my husband
23. My cell phone: Needs an upgrade (In a major way)
24. Smoke: ...from incense unfurls...
25. Fantasy: Dreams that could one day come true
26. College: A necessity
27. High school life: Wonderful friends and great parties
28. Pajamas: My god-daughter's footed pjs with Dora the Explorer are so cute on her. Makes me want a pair on cold nights
29. Stars: Makes me introspective as I gaze at them; makes me look up when I feel down
30. Center: God
31. Alcohol: Stings on an open cut
32. The word love: What I need more than money, food, my next breath
33. Friends: Necessary to life
34. Money- Seed for sowing
35. Heartache: Results from other people's tendency to be self-centered
36. Time: Is winding up
37. Divorce: A curse on the family
38. Dogs: I want one named Malcolm.
39. Undies: Nobody's Business but MINE
40. Parents: The closest people to love or hurt you
41. Babies: I want one soon
42. Ex: The Ex-Factor (song by Lauryn Hill)
43. Song: Psalm 23 (India.Arie)
44. Color: Yellow
45. Weddings: Beautiful, makes me euphoric
46. Pizza: Deep-Dish, Chicago Style
47. Hangout: Barnes and Noble
48. Rest: I need some - away from other people's problems preferably
49. Goal: Fulfilling the Mission that I came to fulfill
50. Inspiration: The voice of God

My Random Turn

2009-03-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

1. I'm reading Rebecca Walker's new book compilation called "One Big Happy Family" knowing full well that I may not agree with some of the writers that are telling stories about their home lives and lifestyles. But I did not realize that the very first story (about a married couple's decision to become polyamorous - basically meaning they have an "open marriage") should have been skipped so quickly. To me, that is not the glorification of a healthy family nor is it the modernization of an old concept with a twist. It is, simply put, mutually agreed upon adultery. Not cool.

2. You never know who is looking at you...or who may have a crush on you. I'm a living witness. Stay tuned for more news later...if there will be more to tell.

3. I need a friggin' vacation. I wish I had more money so I could go where I really want to go.

4. Commuting to work 40 minutes each way kinda sucks. But getting a paycheck every two weeks doesn't. Go figure.

5. The Golden Oreos are the greatest cookies ever. The original ones are yucky. I am a believer in Oreo power again.

6. I'm starting a writer's group and the first meeting is this Saturday. Instead of complaining that there is nothing to do, starting fun activities with likeminded people can effectively kill BPH (Boredom in Port Huron).

7. Why do women always wear tight stretchy pants to the gym? Even if I was a size three (which I'm not) I don't think I would ever feel comfortable working out on an elliptical machine (which I don't) while old men with big bellies and young men with big egos stare at my be-hind. Maybe I'm secretly jealous. Or not.

8. I don't know why I did it but I watched a few minutes of the new College Hill South Beach last night and realized why kids nowadays are so "off". This show is absolutely STUPID and I am sick to death of all the weave, frivolousness, and cat-fighting being so entertaining. That is one television show which will further contribute to the destruction of the brain cells of our youth. WHOOOHOOO!!!! Good job BET.

9. I do like Harlem Heights (sorta) because it makes me wish I lived somewhere so up and coming. But this show is kinda goofy too - especially the relationships between some of the females on the show. I still don't know why some of them have attitudes with each other. But most of the guys are pretty cute.

10. I need some new clothes but I refuse to buy them because I am hoping to lose weight. Hmmm...maybe I should stop loving Golden Oreos so much? Otherwise I'll be wearing these same old rags forever...(Or I may have to let them out so I have more room for the BWS - Black Woman Spread).

Me and My Brother, Fighting Side by Side

2009-03-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

The letter in the last two posts was my way of warring with words. I emailed it to the President of the Grand Rapids InterDenominational Ministerial Alliance and I snail-mailed it to my former youth pastor and senior pastor (both of whom know my brother, my mother, and me). I am planning to give it to my current pastoral staff at the church I am attending and then will send it to others that I know are in Christian Leadership.

But the point of this letter, as I look back at it and dissect my wordiness and try to figure out if my clarion call will make a difference, is my declaration to the enemy of our souls that has long tried to destroy my family and tried to divide my relationship with my brother. This letter is my weaponry, my ammunition, as I shoot back at the darkness that for many years has caused us to be at war with each other.

I guess it's like this: when it's all said and done, ain't no devil in hell gonna destroy my brother or his seed! (Please excuse the vernacular...) It's like when you are kids and somebody is picking on your brother (which happened more times than I can count) and even though you and him may fight like cats and dogs (which also happened more times than I could count), you will not just stand idly by and let it happen. You will fight for your own (I did it from the age of three and now that I am 31, I will still fight for him).

In the situation he is battling, I refuse to just let him be mistreated. I refuse to see him lose his daughter, even if she wants to stay out there. I decided to use what I know (the laws of the land) and what I have (my voice and my pen, my influence and my experience) and what I believe (that God will protect His own and He is more than the world against us) to fight.

When I started engaging in this battle, realizing more than ever that it is a spiritual one, I understood that I have to fight for this man. Sometimes women have to fight for the men in their lives and not let them be taken out by the enemy. That is my role. It hasn't been easy but it has been necessary.

Prayer and aggressive action and knowledge and wisdom have been the weapons God has given. But there has also been love - the greatest weapon of all. The love I have for this brother that I thought I would never have a decent relationship with has overcome the hatred the enemy truly does have for him. And for me that is a sure sign of the victory I know is ultimately ours in Christ.

It's amazing how battles like this turn arch-rivals into a dynamic, unstoppable team. Perhaps this too is the victory I have long been seeking.

Letter for my Brother, Part Two

2009-03-18T04:45:00.000-07:00

My name is Myama Myowne Boone, and I am choosing to fight for my brother’s right to be a father. I am fighting for the 14th Amendment to apply to him – in this country where he willingly pays his taxes, his child support, and now is being stuck with a $14,000 bill which is steadily increasing each day his daughter remains in care.

I am also most importantly a member of the Body of Christ, hoping to change the world one family at a time starting at home, and then in the communities where I grew up, in the lives of the families I work with and advocate for daily, and in the hearts of the children and teens that are desperately hungry for love, family, and acceptance. I am a member of Christ’s Body, and I am demanding change.

Communities begin with families. The brokenness we see everyday is the result of broken families. But some families like mine are splintered because of many factors that feed the fragmentation. The problem is when a ruling entity determines protocol, laws and standards of procedures, it fosters rebellion and anarchy form the top down when those statues are deemed negotiable on a case-by-case basis.

Why in some cases and not in others does the Michigan Absent Parent Protocol become changeable and flexible? Why, in my brother’s case, is it okay for the state of Michigan to ignore his rights and/or demand that he agree that foster care is in the best interest of his child when he is a ready and willing father? Is it because of his race or his socioeconomic class? Or is it because the foster family seems to be more likely able to give her an upper middle class lifestyle? Or is it because the system has a habit of giving men a bad rap when it comes to deciding custody for their children?

I am writing not simply to foster outrage at the way the law bends, changes shape, and metamorphoses into a different organism altogether when race, poverty, and classism intermingle and explode. I am not simply writing just to remind you of what you may already know. I am writing to remind the Body of Christ that we all have a greater responsibility to care expressly for the disenfranchised and marginalized, even if the disenfranchised and marginalized is my brother, your sister, my neighbor, your cousin, the man down the street, or the children sitting in our pews every Sunday.

We must not stand back and allow the fathers that are returning to or attempting to maintain their rightful places in their children’s lives to be trod upon in the name of mammon and enterprise. We must not allow children to be monopolized by a moneymaking infrastructure that is slowly becoming something not structured to help heal broken families and lives as it was meant to at its inception. We must not allow mothers who need help raising their children to be pawns in the destruction of their own offspring. And most importantly we must not allow our families to become even more fractured than they already are.

Are we helping heal the family unit? Is there a cause for our intervention? Can we demand of the government to change with the times? Should we stand up for righteousness in our society and call the lawmakers and policyholders to task on the areas where we see families and children headed on a downward spiral further into fragmentation and poverty when there are clearly other alternatives?

I say yes.

We, as the Body of Christ, see the grand finale of familial breakdown. We try our best to fix the broken places. We speak to families, proclaiming God’s healing and intervention. We develop programs and methods and ministries to minister to the whole person (and it is wonderful to the purpose of God for our individual houses of worship). But how can any of our plans be effective when our parishioners walk back into the worlds from whence they come, battling with the powers-that-be, which seem determined to undo the work of Christ in their lives?

My brother, like so many fathers out here, is not perfect. His anger and frustration at the rejection of his paternal attempts at reunifying with his daughter may be raw, fresh, and I fear, used against him. When he tells the caseworker that he wants his daughter and she comes up with some new idea to keep her in the system longer, he seems to be at the breaking point. His questions may be intrusive to a system that refuses to answer. His determination to hold fast to that indefinable other called “parental rights” may be maddeningly frustrating to that same caseworker, to the attorney assigned to his case, to the judge sitting on the bench in Family Circuit Court, and even to the biological mother, whom while she may not be any closer to receiving all her children back home, does not want any of the fathers to exercise their rights at all.

But the truth is, despite the appearances, he is a father. He is one of many.
For so long society has complained about the absence of fathers in the homes of our communities. I have been one of the loudest voices, having grown up without mine and watching the eventual destruction a parent’s continued absence causes in their children’s lives. In fact, my brother struggled with always being present in all his children’s lives but he has never been untouchable. They know their father; they love him though it has not always been easy, and no, he has not been the model parent. But as stated earlier that has no bearing on whether he should be allowed to parent his child when she is in trouble.

As I have witnessed the phenomenon of parental absence and neglect perpetuated sometimes by outside forces instead of being curtailed (as the Michigan Protocol was designed to do), I have wondered if there is indeed more to the story. I have wondered if we can make a blanket resolution that all non-custodial parents and specifically fathers do not care about their children. I have wondered what the church’s response should be.

I am writing to you, our leaders and pastors, because I believe the cries of our families and the fathers of those families (children) are demanding a response from us. I believe with my whole heart that God Himself is allowing some things to be uncovered so we will know how to pray and respond. I have sensed for a long time that God the Father is not simply unhappy that fathers are missing from the homes, but that He is unhappy that there are certain systems of thought and social policy that are feeding the spirit of absenteeism that seems so pervasive. I have prayed about how to encourage the fathers to return to their children and not to leave them struggling alone. But then the question was raised that what if some fathers want to return to caring for their children but are being prevented by various legal sources? What if they want to have a more permanent voice in their children’s lives but outside entities are stifling the power of their presence and the way has not been made?

I am not in any way defending single parenthood or the conception of children out of wedlock. I am in no way defending men that parent children and then just leave them. I will not condone any parent, male or female, birthing children into this generation haphazardly. But what I am bringing to your attention is that parental separation happens for a variety of reasons, but children should never be denied the opportunity to have their natural parents, who are willing to fulfill their role, in their lives and given the opportunity to do so.

I am writing this because my brother daily wrestles with giving up his parental rights, which is what some others have insinuated would be the best thing. I am writing because we have demanded that men in our communities “do everything right” but when the procedures are followed, when those who are willing put their independence on the shelf in support of the greater good of their children, and when they try to stand up instead of sitting back, there is still no guarantee that “everything” is “right” because whether those in authority want to admit it or not, the rules to the game do change halfway through the process.

I am writing because my brother has chosen to stand instead of bow to the pressure. His daughter, whom has stated many times that she wishes her father had been more present when she was younger, has even tried to dissuade him from his goal of caring for and protecting her. I am writing because if my brother does not hold unto his rights to his daughter, no one else will make sure his rights are protected. Or so it would seem.

My petition to you today is simply yet profoundly this:

Be the Body of Christ with me for my brother and those other non-custodial parents (primarily fathers) that are being denied their God-given and constitutional right not to give up their children to the foster care system unnecessarily and who truly love and want to care for them.

Be the Body of Christ with me to broken and splintered families both within the church walls and in the milieu of our world’s highways and byways.

Be the Body of Christ with me, agents of change and mission, demanding that the laws set in our world are fairly and uniformly honored and adhered to by our governmental officials and agencies.

Be the Body of Christ with me most importantly in the prayer and supplication needed on behalf of our children, on behalf of our families in our communities, and for men like my brother. Some are indeed standing up, and we need to help strengthen their legs and hold up their arms. That is what my family is attempting to do for my brother but we are finding that we cannot do it alone.

Please join us in prayer during these next two months. On May 14, we will return to court for yet another court hearing in Grand Rapids, Michigan. My brother will be traveling from San Antonio, Texas to demand that his parental rights be finally honored and he be given custody of his daughter. That is the work only he alone can do.

Non-custodial parents, men or women separated from the other parent of their child(ren) have the right by state law and a duty to protect and care for their children themselves. Judicially no one has the right to forcibly seize or terminate a parent’s rights without due process. Once that parent has been cleared for possible placement of their children should the other parent lose custody for any reason (and specifically, in my brother’s case, to the foster care system) that parent has the right to petition the court for full and permanent custody.

I am requesting the spiritual assistance of the leaders of the Body of Christ at this time – not only for my brother but for the many men that are losing their children everyday unfairly. Please put this cause on your church’s or ministry’s intercession list. We so desperately need your prayers.

I will close this letter with a final thought.

When the prophet Malachi spoke of the coming of the spirit of the prophet Elijah in the Book of Malachi, I always wondered if the continued meaning of that passage was only exclusively referring to the coming of John the Baptist in the New Testament. I always wondered if there was another meaning equally as symbolic. Did the Word given by God elude to another clarion call?

In Malachi 4:5, I began questioning if God was simply referring to a spiritual return of the fathers to the children as witnessed in the coming of John paving the way for Christ. Or was He also signifying of another day? More literally, in our times, would there be a physical return of fathers to their children? And then, I began to wonder if there is something pivotal the Body of Christ can do to help influence this return by bringing a deeper awareness to our local government, with the intent that ultimately children are indeed returned to their fathers.

Clearly every story is different. There can be no across-the-board uniformity because these are personal situations, but in my study of the research and my reading of some recent treatises and reports, I have had to realize that what my brother is going through right now is not unique. Some of the things I have looked at and the stories I have heard first hand implies that time and again men like my brother can be railroaded into giving up their constitutional rights, threatened with false allegations, and forced to pay for many years for the care of their children when their children would have been better served with their fathers, despite the assumptions made.

My niece will be 18 next year, but by the time her father finishes paying for an unnecessary stay in a foster home, she will be an adult. The truth is it is highly unlikely that he would ever be able to simply pay $600/month for her to live in someone else’s home. That is an unfair request to ask of a father that wants his child in his own home.

Thank you for your prayerful attention in this matter.

The Case for Father's Rights, Beginning Right Here at Home

2009-03-12T06:17:00.001-07:00

I have taken some time away from writing about my niece's foster care dilemma because more issues have presented themselves that have made me take a pause before speaking on it any further. But now that I have taken that time, I have decided to post Part One of a letter I am sending to some pastors I know and pastors in the city where my brother and I grew up, the city where my brother has not been treated as my niece's father but as simply a black man that has shaken up the seemingly racist and discriminatory intentions and practices of a case worker, a judge, and a system. I will post Part Two tomorrow. Please let me know what you think, feel, and believe about the situation my brother is facing, and most of all - please pray for him as he fights for custody of his daughter. Feel free to alert others to my letter and my brother's story. We need the prayers of as many Believers as we can get.

Dear Pastor, Clergy Member, or Church Leader:

Blessings, grace, and peace to you in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! If I could have your attention, I would like to tell you a story. I know this may seem strange and even a bit lengthy, but if you bear with me, it will all make sense in a moment.

My brother is a father…from the inner city of Grand Rapids, Michigan.

My brother is an African-American father with a bi-racial child – a child who is now part of the foster care system in Kent County, Michigan.

My brother is a father, regardless of socioeconomic background, educational level, or race, with rights upheld by the Constitution of the United States. These rights were made fundamentally and legally sound concerning parents in his situation by the Supreme Court in a 1982 ruling which stated “…the fundamental liberty interest of natural parents in the care, custody, and management of their child is protected by the 14th Amendment, and does not evaporate simply because they have not been model parents or have lost temporary custody of their child to the State.” This ruling was quoted in the January 31, 2008 Michigan Absent Parent Protocol manual, as the state sought to establish bylaws which local governmental entities were to abide by in regards to the rights of parents like my brother.

And yet, knowing this, what happens when the system that has jurisdiction over my brother’s child constantly overrides the United States Constitution, which gives him certain inalienable rights to live, breathe, and exist within this country’s borders with his family in tact?

Who will fight for my brother?

My brother, this 36-year-old African-American father of four children is fighting for the right to raise his child in his own house, but his court-appointed attorney told him that if he will be a good father, he must pay only $600 a month to keep his daughter in a currently unlicensed foster home, in the home of an unrelated family who falsely claimed to be her relatives, a family determined at any cost to adopt his child.

If he is truly a good father, he must comply by the rules of the local private foster care agency. The caseworker was supposed to contact him if Department of Human Services failed to locate him when the girl was removed from her mother’s home but she and DHS failed to do so (which is the first step mandated by the Michigan Protocol Handbook). Our family found out that she was in state care when she contacted me via email. In turn, I alerted him. He came forward and asked for his daughter.

But first, the caseworker wanted him to attend parenting classes and perform a drug screen and complete a psychological evaluation to prove that he is able to parent his own child, despite the fact that he lives in San Antonio, Texas (inevitably showing that any request she gives will be difficult or impossible to complete due to the distance and the lack of monitoring). He also has steady employment and a home to take his child to. Still my brother has to prove that he can care for the child he has paid child support for, been involved with for most of her life, and even made sure was taken care of when her mother was previously unable to. He has no history of drugs, domestic violence, alcoholism, or any prior Child Protective Services cases. But still, he must comply despite obvious protocol written and clearly spelled out that states the contrary.

My brother’s frustration at being charged $14,000-plus while his daughter lives in a foster home is causing him to wonder if being a “good” father is synonymous with being chewed up and ultimately spit out by case workers, agencies, foster parents, lawyers, and judges. The sad fact is I believe that the system is truly, with the best of intentions, meant to protect children and promote reunification and healing for America’s most broken families. But, even I, a proponent of the mission, wonder if we are closing out the absent parents (most likely, fathers) that are the key to that protection and healing. I do not know what to tell my brother; I do not know how to support the mission of the system I work for in conjunction with the reality he is living right now.

Am I Remembered?

2009-03-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I just talked to one of my friends over the phone that I hadn't spoken to in a while. Her son Josiah's pics can be found on this blog, as I have a tendency to ooh and aww over how absolutely gorgeous he is.

She told me today that she is pregnant again. She and my other sister friend Toya are both expecting, and I am so excited for them both. I try to keep the game face on and say that I am okay with being single, but to be truthful, I wish it could be me calling them to say that I am going to be a wife and a mother. I want them to be excited for the positive changes that are taking place in my family instead of telling them that I am hoping for change in the lives of children that are not even mine.

That sounds silly, doesn't it?

Tashara is due in late August/early September and Toya is due in July. My goddaughters Terryl-Lynn and Journee will be two in July. I marvel at how much they are growing and the little milestones in their developments but sometimes I wonder if I will be a mother to my own children one day.

Currently, I am being licensed for foster care since I want to mother a child so bad. But it really isn't the same. I want to know what it feels like to love my husband and have a baby with him and take care of my child with him. I feel sad and happy all at once as the little families around me are growing and expanding. And I wonder as I silently look on and applaud the happiness my friends are experiencing if God is going to remember me.

Such a Shame...

2009-03-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

My mother began screaming over the phone. I began to cry after I told her. With all that has been going on in my family this was the last thing we wanted to hear. My niece, the young mother who has a beautiful 23-month-old son will be raising him alone. He will grow up without his father because of a foolish decision. By the time his father will be released from prison, the little boy will be 12 or 13-years-old and that's only if his father gets released at that point. If he does well in prison, as the judge told him, he will get out and still be a relatively young man.

But my nephew will not have his father.

My prayer is that my brother, his PaPa, will be the man he looks up to for guidance; his life is changing and he is becoming the kind of parent and grandfather I always knew he was capable of being. My prayer is that Little Squirmy's uncles Davon and Anthony, my own precious nephews, will be able to be great role models for him. By the time his dad is released, they will be adults that may make better father figures for him than his own biological father. I am even praying that my niece will be married by then, hopefully not waiting for her baby's father, and will have moved on. I hope she will meet the kind of man that will love her enough to help her raise her son.

It is a shame that my niece, my baby-girl, will have to deal with parenting alone until then. I cut and pasted part of the article that details what will happen to this absent parent, this young man. It has truly broken my heart that my family is battling against the demon of fractured families. One niece is in foster care, which has been a bigger battle getting her released back to her paternal family than anyone could ever know, and then the other has to be a single mother at least for the next ten years.

It is indeed a cryin' shame.

"18-year-old sentenced to 11 to 32 years in prison for party store robberies, shooting
by The Grand Rapids Press
Tuesday February 24, 2009, 5:30 PM

GRAND RAPIDS -- An 18-year-old who confessed to robbing two party stores, including one where the store owner was shot in the leg, will spend the next 11 to 32 years behind bars.

Jeremy Deanda was sentenced Tuesday for two April 17 holdups, at Gerk's Works Party Store, 1298 36th St. SW, where owner Hung Nguyen was shot, and Kay & Kay Party Store, 1273 Chicago Drive SW.

Victims of the robberies say there were two people committing the crime, but only Deanda has been charged and convicted of robbery and assault.

Deanda's lawyer, Damien Nunzio, negotiated a plea agreement that called for Circuit Court Judge Christopher Yates to make the minimum sentence no more than 9 years on the robberies and assault, plus 2 years for felony use of a firearm.

Yates told Deanda that his lawyer worked out a good deal for him.

'You're a very young man and if you do all the right things in prison, you could be a relatively young man when you get out,' Yates said."

And On A Lighter Note

2009-02-21T10:27:00.000-08:00

I just bought the new India.Arie CD and I have to say that I absolutely adore it. I enjoy listening to all the songs but I do have my favorites that I repeat as I am rolling in the Silver Bullet. #13 hit me right in the chest as I listened to it for the first time on my way to my hair appointment. I mean, the words just reached me right where I was emotionally and spiritually. I literally cried. It reminded me that no matter what happens in my life right now, God has my back and I don't have to act crazy or feel betrayed or disappointed. He's right here. That song was a great reminder. #16 is also a great affirmation to a broken, tired spirit.

This is definitely a top pick of mine, and I rarely buy CDs (because I can't afford them). But when I heard she had a new project I went right out and bought it because I can trust that she is going to put out some truly genuine and creative music.

I may even go so far as to say besides her first CD, this is probably my favorite of hers. It is worth a listen...

The Challenge of Closed Doors

2009-02-19T05:54:00.000-08:00

I was reading FullComplexity's blog, and she was talking about closed doors. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you planned or the way you thought it would. Sometimes you wonder what you did wrong. But as we all fight through disappointments and let-downs, broken hearts and uncertain futures, I think the point is that we do draw closer to God. Challenges do make us pray "harder", seek God's face more, inquire of His wisdom when we simply don't know what to do or what's coming next.

This past week was like that for me. But I have been seeking God in a way I haven't done in a long time - past merely the calisthenics of a dull faith. The struggles I have faced in my own family have caused me to be more concerned about other children in foster care and other families that are being torn apart. It has made me listen more closely to God's voice - not so much for the whys but the hows.

How does God want to use me in a season of pain and hurt and shut doors?

How does the encounter with the disruption of my comfort zone change how I view the world around me and the people in it?

How can I actualize the purpose of God birthed from my own experiences to impact others?

The closed door my family experienced a week ago today has not dissuaded me from the fight. It has merely given me ammunition to attack the unseen enemies that are trying to destroy children and teens, families and communities. I began to see the bigger picture. That closed door made me realize there are other opportunities to change the things in this world that make my blood boil and God's heart grieve.

I began to look and I found answers to some of my questions concerning the foster care system and what we can do to change it for the sake of the children wrapped up in it. If you get a chance check out the following reports that help highlight many of the issues here in Michigan that make the system so screwed up:

(1)"Cycle of Failure: How Michigan Keeps 'Throwing the Fight' for Children and How to Make the State a Contender Again"; Produced by the National Coalition for Child Protection Reform and Written by the Executive Director, Richard Wexler (Published online February 18, 2009) - This was featured in NPR news today ironically as I was writing this entry.

(2)"Race Equity Review: Findings from a Qualitative Analysis of Racial Disproportionality and Disparity for African-American Children and Families in Michigan's Child Welfare System" (Published online January 16, 2009)

Both reports have their slants and as with any socioeconomical dissection of state and federal programs, there may be people that disagree with the findings. DHS actually disagreed with the "Cycle of Failure" report's findings and stated to NPR this morning that it was filled with inaccurate stats and information. But regardless of the skeptics, I believe both reports are worth reading - specifically the second one.

My point in saying all this is that when challenges present themselves, figuring out ways to address those challenges can help us overcome and facilitate change. When doors we thought would stay open are shut, utilizing opportunities to grow is so necessary.

At least that is what I am trying to do.

In Retrospect

2009-02-18T06:56:00.000-08:00

I have had some time to really think about the best way to fight for my family during this time. I have decided that covering my family in prayer is genuinely the best way to handle the foster care concerns we have, to protect my brother's rights as a father, and to ensure that no other family has to battle with the racist, greedy, hypocritical actions that can present themselves within the parameters of the policies and idealism of systems meant to protect children.

I am not willing to say that we should do away with the foster care system entirely. The purpose by which it was established is still necessary so long as there is abuse and neglect in this country. But I am saying that there needs to be an overhaul within the ranks of management and in the placement of children. So, instead of fighting against the entire practice of protecting children, I have decided to get right in the midst of the system and in my little area of the world impact lives and systems and practices.

How do you show people a better way of doing anything worthwhile? By showing them. How do you effectively teach families and communities how to improve and become safe havens for children to grow and live? By teaching them. How do you respond to negative institutions and systems? By either infiltrating or renovating, by becoming a part of them and changing them from the inside out as much as humanly possible, or by formulating a new, different system entirely.

I have never been a person that likes to sit on her hands. I'd rather be doing something about the problems in my world, the world I can directly impact. I'd rather walk in the fullness of what God has called me to do. I'd rather be challenged.

When I told my best friend Toya what I was planning to do, she told me that she would not discourage me, but that I would learn alot. She worked as a Child Protective Services worker for a couple years, and just recently switched to become a Foster Care Monitor - supervising workers at an outside agencies that place children and follow up with care plans for each child. One day I hope to do the same.

But for now, I'm okay with the possibility that I might get angry with certain issues I encounter; I might come home crying or full of angst about some situation I encountered at work that day. But at least I'd be getting right in the trenches. I may not be able to save every child or teen. I might not be able to help heal every family. I may not even be able to rewrite some flawed policy. But I will be able to DO SOMETHING.

That is the whole point of life, I think - TO DO SOMETHING WORTH LIVING FOR.

The situation I have encountered wiht my niece is not a new one and not the only one I have had to take a step back and scrutinize. It is not the first time I have had to ask the question, "Is there any way I can impact this problem? Is there anything I can do to change a situation for a child?"

I worked at a residential center a few years ago that made me ask these questions of myself. I disagreed that children are commodities. I hated that the children and teens I developed relationships with felt like they had dollar signs tattooed on their foreheads. I hated that even I missed the point of the mission. So when it was time for me to go, I decided that if the chance ever presented itself again, I would not repeat that mistake.

Well...here I am and a deeper challenge has presented itself. The war I am fighting for my family is a war for all our families in one way or another.

And for this reason, I am called for such a time as this...

And the War Rages On

2009-02-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

The court hearing did not go well at all. The judge dismissed our concerns and decided to leave the children in the inappropriate placement where they are. No one cared about what my niece and her sisters are suffering through. But we are going to fight on...if for no other reason than that we are making stand against a corrupt system.

I can't go into the lies the Case Worker told against my family.

I can't go into the concerns my mother raised to the judge that were subsequently swept under the rug.

I can't go into the pain I feel that my niece will continue to suffer humiliation at the hand of a foster mother that will do anything for money.

Though we are battling with the system, until my niece declares that she wants to live with my mother and I, I will not fight to remove her any longer. I will not be able to talk to or see her until the Case Worker says so (which is not likely to happen since she is convinced that her seeing me is detrimental to their cause).

But I will be fighting for fathers' rights and family rights and especially children's rights. My brother has not lost his rights to his daughter and likely won't but the way things have gone in the judicial system, my niece will have a hard way to go without us for the next two years or so.

It breaks my heart that I will not be able to have a say so in what happens to her but she is not my child. If she were my child, she would not be living in this mess.

In Lieu of the Court Hearing

2009-02-09T05:36:00.001-08:00

The court hearing regarding my niece and her sisters is this Thursday. I want to say I am nervous about the chance we will have to speak to the judge about moving the children's placement until a decision is made about terminating their mom's rights. I want to say that I hope that he won't dismiss my brother, my mom, and me like all these other authority figures (in the "system") have tried to do every time we confront them about the mistakes they have made and are continuing to make. I want to say that I don't trust that the right choice will be made by the judge.

But I can't. I can't say any of those things.

There is a truth that I believe we are standing on - the TRUTH OF GOD. We are standing on the side of righteousness and are trusting in God and not in our own abilities to change the minds of the powers that be. And further more, we know who we are and to Whom we belong. We also know that God wants those girls protected and nothing Satan does will prevent God from having His way. We walk in the favor of God, and what's more, we are praying that the lives of these children will be more valuable to the judge than what a neglectful mother wants, what an agency that is supposed to be protecting the children but are not wants, what a greedy foster mother wants, and what those who sit in seats of power but abuse that power want.

These babies have to matter.

And we are taking a stand by faith to protect the course of their lives. That is more important than anything. The war we are waging is so much bigger than just the three little girls in this situation. There are many, many families that are fighting for the right to care for children wrapped up in the foster care system. And if nothing else, we are fighting so we can show others how to do the same thing.

I am reading a book called Prophetic Intercession written by Barbara Wentroble. This book is more of a guide that teaches Christians how to pray impactful prayers for others. So, this week in anticipation I am praying for the court hearing - that God's will be done, that we are given a voice, and that we can bring these girls home to a place of peace outside of the atmosphere where they are right now.

Please pray with us, whenever you get a moment. We certainly need your prayers. My girls need your prayers.

Poetry, Center Stage

2009-02-05T05:51:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, January 30, I participated in a Poetry Reading Event at a church in Port Huron. A friend of mine, Richard Murphy, asked me to be one of the headlining readers on the schedule and I heartily agreed. The name of the event was what sold me.

My friend is a relatively well-known Christian HipHop artist around our parts and he wanted to do a Poetry event at his church. He titled it: "Testimony of a Ghetto Child." I liked the theme behind the reading - the desire to intertwine our faith in God with the awareness of the social ills in our society.

I wrote and read the following poem for my spot in the evening's line-up:

GRAND RAPIDS, HOOD LIFE, OVERCOME
(Dedicated to the ‘hood I grew up in)
By Myama Myowne Boone

Where I come from, the place of origination
Can only be truly…understood
If you grew up with more bars and liquor stores
Than churches in your ‘hood…

You can only translate my language,
The words that I write and speak
If you are well-acquainted with
Never ever seeing the change that you seek…

Streets named Wealthy, Lake Drive, and Thomas
Held poverty, thirst, and doubts…
Neighborhoods with more children than fathers
Perpetuated beliefs that the ghetto could spit you out…

There has always been music, sounds, energy
Reverberating from the baseline of life’s soundtrack;
There has always been the struggle for escape
From the ghetto’s pressures, persuasions, and personal attacks…

But in the middle of the raucous rush,
Between the lines at the welfare office on Franklin Street,
Somewhere beyond the gentrified canvases
Of rebuilt mansions in Heritage Hill’s buppie beat…

A little girl, like I was, is beckoned by God now -
Out of the shadows of a city that swallows lives whole,
Out of the cold racial divide, out of the mentality –
Becoming separate from those satisfied with playing a role…

Hip-Hop, Double-Dutch, Food Stamps, Domestic Violence:
Words and names so customarily a part of life –
What she hears and plays and needs and hates
Become words of dual force that can cut like a knife…

For each reminds her that she is ever a product
Of a generation that can hide within itself,
Of a nation that can cover self-inflicted abuses,
As people, like crabs in a barrel, war for wealth…

But she is called to be different, a rare grace,
And the voice of God urges her to live beyond the institution –
Because no matter where she was born or brought up,
Satan and his ghetto enslavement owes her restitution…

The clarion call God has on her life is absolute
For the city in which her foundation is laid;
The brick and mortar of the same ‘hood I lived in is
Where every generation deals with mistakes made…

Madison and Union, Bates and Dunham Streets –
The pavement weary feet have trod down;
The skyline of an untouchable commerce seen from dirty windows
Separating the haves and the have-nots in this town…

She will overcome – run through troops and leap over walls –
Her faith in the God of her grandparents established in truth…
For she knows that there is more to her future
Than what was denied and refused by her parents in their youth…

Little girls with visions grow into dynamic women;
Little boys with dreams become world-changing men…
The circle of life in the ‘hood has the unseen power
To either draw them into success or into sin…

Little girls in the ‘hood can walk righteous;
Little boys in the ‘hood can reject any generational curse…
The story of God’s grace can change lives
Once predestined for a trip in back of a police car or a hearse…

For that little girl so like the girl I used to be
Is one among many today that will transform the ghetto…
God will use her, use them all as torches in the dark,
Declaring that the enemy of their souls has to let go –

He has to let go of the lives crushed by addiction;
He has to let go of the neighborhoods reduced by crime…
He has to release the grip of poverty chaining generations
Because freedom is past due; it has long been time…

For the place where I became the woman I am,
The city that could have devoured my dreams
Is destined to grandly and rapidly
Be touched and transformed by a God Who redeems…

Through It All

2009-02-05T05:24:00.000-08:00

I have been asked a lot lately why I decided to stay in Michigan and endure the financial struggles during this season of my life when I could have gone pretty much anywhere and done better. I thought it was a silly question at first when I consider the reason I am staying.

But still...
Why would I rent a house in a place I do not necessarily want to be?

Why would I put the brakes on my dreams of relocation and having a fab single life?

Why in the world would I embrace struggle when my gifts and my talents would make room for me in the presence of great men and women (in the undefined "out there somewhere")?

Why? Why? Why?

Am I stupid? Slow? Self-punishing?

The simple answer is no. No, I'm not a fool. I know how to make sound decisions, even when it seems like I would be better served in a different environment. I consider myself to be very intelligent (or at least, I have some mother-wit). And I have learned that when I trust God in my decision-making, I end up more blessed than I could have ever been if I only trust in my own wisdom.

I decided to stay in Michigan, even in light of all the circumstances I have to face right now because of a little girl:

A little girl whose big hazel eyes and curly ringlets won me the first time I laid eyes on her...

A little girl whose vivacious personality and immeasurable talents and gifts have caused many people to be drawn to her...

A little girl who has suffered through much more than I am going through right now...

A little girl that needs someone to care...

A little girl that is crying out for help...

A little girl that calls me in tears when her heart has been broken (like last Thursday, when her foster mother called her a selfish f**king b**ch because she was told the little girl wants to live independent of the foster care system, on her own)...

A little girl that doesn't understand why her life is collapsing around her and needs her Auntie Mya right now...

She is why I am staying.

If you can only do one thing in life, if you only get the chance to accomplish one feat, make sure you let that one thing be an unselfish act. Let it be something that impacts and changes the life of another person. And let it be God-inspired because when He calls you to do a certain thing, He will give you the resources to see that thing through.

I had to stay in Michigan in order to get licensed for foster care and to provide an immediate home for that little girl. I could not leave and then try to help her. So when the question was raised if I would leave for Nashville or Chicago or Timbuktu, I had to say "No." I had to lay my desires down on the altar, the place of sacrifice, so my little girl could live a life where she could smile again. And you know what, I haven't really wanted for or needed anything that hasn't been provided thus far.

Remember, ultimately your "real" life is not about you.

A House, a Home?

2009-01-27T07:35:00.000-08:00

My mom and I have moved into a new house in the city I was trying to escape even a couple months ago. It was not an easy decision to remain in Michigan when I really wanted to move to another state entirely; I still want to. But as I said in previous posts, this move is not for me. This move, this house, this moment in time is for my niece and her sisters. It is for my family. As most things in my life are...this is for someone else.

The house is a little oasis, and I thank God for how we found it. It has been a tight season financially; acquiring the lease, paying the appropriate people, and securing help to transfer our belongings to the house has been a challenge. But every time I want to cry about the money that has evaporated from my income or the desires I had to do my own thing having to take a back seat to other more pressing issues, I think about my family and how I am truly sowing seeds toward my own marriage and kids one day.

I am already planning for dinner parties and ladies' nights at our house with my friends. I look forward to meals shared and guests visiting. I am excited about celebrating birthdays and my niece having friends over for the weekend. The house is so much bigger than the other places we have lived together and separately. And the truth is I fell in love with it at first sight because I knew it would be the right place to care for my family and friends. It would be the right place for us...for now...

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T05:11:00.000-08:00

This morning when I came into work our principal made an announcement that it was okay to turn on CNN so the kids could watch the inauguration festivities, so they could be a part in a very small way of this historic day in American history. I do not remember in my early years of education of seeing something so profound playing across my classroom television screens, except perhaps the viewing of the Challenger explosion.

But for this predominantly African-American high school, this is not a sad occasion. This is an exciting moment for the students here. And for me as well. Tears are building in my eyes as I look at the sheer numbers of people blanketing the memorial mall area in DC.

My aunt, my mother's sister Pamela, is there this morning. She received a ticket from someone she knew and was able to take time off from work to travel to Washington DC for this event. Then my mom's best friend's sister Bev hooked her up with a hotel room available until Thursday when there were no rooms available anywhere. At any case, she helped my aunt out, and now I am living vicariously through her.

I told my mom to tell her that she is an ambassador for our family, a representative of my grandparents' lineage, standing in proxy for them - though I know they are watching from heaven. She will be standing in DC watching this amazing moment for us all. I am planning to call her later so she can tell me what it felt like to be there. I wish I could have gone with her, but this was not my opportunity.

One day, I am making the vow to myself to take my nieces and nephews to DC while Barack Obama is in the White House. I wish they could meet our new president but even if they can't I want them to know that this is their generation's time to stand up and make a difference in this world. They have an obligation to do just that in their lifetimes. I expect nothing less from them. This is their day; this is our time. Change is indeed here...TODAY...RIGHT NOW...for us all.

Happy inauguration day, everyone!

A Conspiracy Against Fathers: The Foster Care System

2009-01-12T06:02:00.000-08:00

In my research and study in anticipation of my niece's court hearing my family will be attending a month from today, I have run across several articles and research studies that deal with the foster care system and the ignoring of father's rights. In the beginning of this whole ordeal, I really was trying to find some sort of loophole, some way of saying that my brother's rights had been trodded upon in support of the mother's rights and the foster care system's ideological foundations.

I didn't have to look very far. I happened upon a research study online entitled "What About the Dads? Child Welfare Agencies' Efforts to Identify, Locate, and Involve Nonresident Fathers." This study took place in 2004 and ended in 2005, with findings compiled in 2006 and updated in 2008. What appeared to be a fluke in my family's situation turned out to be a regular occurrence in the lives of fathers that were left out of the decision to place their children in the homes of complete strangers. Not only that but paternal families, like ours, have not been considered for placement for various unfounded reasons.

The fact that a study had to be administered in four states because of the wide number of complaints and the vast number of children in the system verifies what I felt all along. The government, the very one I work for and pay taxes to, has perpetuated the fatherlessness that is prevalent in our inner cities and in our communities by not including fathers that do indeed deserve to have a say in what happens to their children. The breakdown of the family lies within the laws that this country has instituted. I truly hope that President Obama will begin the process of reconsidering how the laws are written concerning the foster care system and father's rights.

My mother received a letter last week from Child Protective Services (a few weeks after calling a complaint in to the CPS Program Manager overseeing the worker that botched my niece's case). The letter stated in regards to my brother: "Typically, we do contact the legal father as well, and apologize for not seeking your assistance in this matter at the time of removal."

In other words, CPS admitted to not trying to locate my brother when his daughter was placed in foster care. They did not, however, admit that she should never have been removed from our care in the first place when prior incidents dictated that my niece reside in the care of my family. The worker had my mother's phone number as well as my brother's last known address but did not attempt to contact. This was totally illegal in my eyes. It would have been different if we had never been involved or my niece's paternal family was unknown. But we have been in her life since we learned of her existence.

In terms of this case, Child Protective Services has a real problem. The violation of my brother's paternal rights will be brought up in court and a grievance will be filed against CPS and the placement agency that handled the housing of the girls. Once my niece and her sisters are placed (hopefully with my family), a lawsuit is pending.

The book I wrote "Father to the Fatherless" touches on some of the beliefs I have about single parenting and the absence of fathers in the lives of children. (If you get a chance, please read the chapters I have posted on my other blog.) But now, as I start to conduct this research (not only to help my family, but others as well) I am beginning to see the correlation between the government and the demolition of the family unit. More often than not, fathers that can and rightfully should be considered for first placement when their children are removed from the mothers' care and extended families for an alternative placement are not considered at all. Children are separated from their families and placed with strangers to increase the amount of governmental funding states receive for the foster care system.

The reason? Most biological families are not foster care licensed.

Now unlike in other years, biological families have to become licensed in order to care for children and teens that are wards of the court. But this is not widely publicized, and I can tell you, in my family's case, we were not notified of this amendment either by CPS or the placement agency. We learned this from a lawyer we consulted about actions we should take to fight for custody should the mother lose her rights. This rule came into effect the latter part of 2008, and it is my mission to make sure families know that this is what is happening now. Biological families must be licensed before children can enter their care. Basically, if families do not attain licensing children can be placed wherever the agencies see fit.

This is what happened in my niece's case.

My mother and I are going to be licensed for foster care by the end of February and are preparing to attend the training sessions the end of this month. My brother is working to find employment and to get established in order to take custody of his daughter, though it may take a while. This is why we are fighting alongside him. So we are truly doing our homework. But my question, as I raised before, is the same:

How many families are losing their children; how many fathers' rights are being ignored? How many children are being placed in the homes of strangers (as in the case of my niece and her sisters) needlessly?

I do believe there is a book in this as well. As I am fasting and praying during this time and beginning some new writing projects, I am certainly seeing that this issue needs to be brought to the forefront - not only on the written page but in the public view. Stay tuned for more because there will be more.

This is much bigger than what is going on with my niece, her sisters, my brother, and our family. This is clearly an epidemic. Satan has long attacked our families, and his strategies are being uncovered. As I said in my last post, I am studying spiritual warfare because truthfully my family is on the frontlines. As the weeks go on, I will make sure that you are kept up to date not only with the concrete findings I uncover as I fight for my family. I will also include some Scriptural findings that may help you engage in warfare for your families as well.

We must fight back against the systems of this world and against the kingdom of darkness which at times work hand-in-hand. I am not saying that Child Protective Services and the foster care system should not be instituted for the protection of children. I just believe that a total overhaul is needed because it has become more about the protection of a money-making system and less about the children and the healing/reunification of families.

Season of Seeking

2009-01-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

I am starting out this year as I do every new year: with fasting and prayer to get my heart focused on what this particular one should mean and the direction I should go as I enter into a new season. Typically most Christians fast during the season of Advent (the season of waiting) but the church I have been attending these past 11 years has always called for a 21-day Daniel fast (see the book of Daniel in the Old Testament - a fast of only fruits and veggies, water and 100% juices) every January. It usually starts the day after New Year's and ends just before the end of the month. Some years we have even gone as long as 40 days - ending in February.

This year I am abstaining and consecrating, redirecting my thoughts and my behavior to make room for God in the busyness of my life - and boy, did it start getting way too busy! There is so much that I need to do to give Him the throne of my life, so this is how I begin to do that.

These are my prayer requests for those of you that are willing to pray with me during this time:

(1) The custody of my niece and her sisters
(2) The opening of my life to the possibility of being an adoptive mother to a 4 year old and 1 year old before I even get married, before I even have my own children (that I will be a good mother to them if that is what God desires for me)
(3) The publication of "Father to the Fatherless" and "We Run From Ourselves"
(4) Enrolling in graduate school for a Master's in Youth Ministry
(5) Marriage
(6) A deeper spiritual walk
(7) A new church home more conducive to where I believe God is leading me at this time in my life

There are other more general requests but these are the ones that deal exclusively with me and my path for this season. Of course, I hope you are praying as I am about the state of our nation and the lives of the hurting, the poor, the disenfranchised, and the broken. That is what we all must do to fulfill the mandate of God in this world.

I am also beginning a study on spiritual warfare and the strategies of war as highlighted in the battles written about in the Old Testament. This has been on my mind for quite some time, and perhaps I will get into this in more detail later. During this time of the year I like to center my heart and mind on the things of God - a good way to start out any year. I need to hear His voice before I begin afresh.

Let Me Add Mine to the Plans for 2009

2009-01-01T19:47:00.000-08:00

I got the following quotes from The Dude Abides (blog on my list below):

"We have the power to choose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world." - Jill Bolte Taylor "My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey"

"Lord, protect my family and me. Forgive my sins, and help me guard against pride and despair. Give me the wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will." - Barack Obama's prayer at the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

I have decided to use these quotes in this first post of the 2009 New Year. There are so many ways to state and restate what these two have so eloquently said. But the truth is, I affirm what they mean in my own life.

I do believe in resolutions but not for the same reasons that others may make them. A resolution for me is an affirmation of faith, of what we already know to be true that needs to be manifested into reality, of what we have heard God whisper deep in our spirits that we must stand upon as a testament that our lives must be lived on purpose and with purpose in mind. So my resolution for this year is to live as lovingly, honestly, and forgivingly as I can. I resolve before God and man to be the woman God intends for me to be and to make an impact in this earth as only I can.

About three weeks ago, I taught the second installment of Write Outloud at the school where I work. And the one truth I wanted the young poets under my charge for those 90 minutes to get was that they all have a voice, they all have passion, and they all have purpose. I wanted them to understand that their words are powerful weapons. And this year, I resolve not only to help young people use their individual voices but also to use my own in a more public, open format.

I know that one if not all my books will be published this year, and to be a public writer in contrast to a closet writer is a very great responsiblity so I must do my very best to tell the truth God deems I tell. I must not take lightly the blessings sure to come my way this year, just like I must learn the lessons God wills for me to learn through the hard seasons that may come as well. And both will come. That is what life is about.

I resolve to embrace God and my destiny with much more sincerity and focus this year. I resolve not to turn down an opportunity to live in freedom and truth just because those opportunities may have never been done before. I owe that to my God and to this world. To do anything less would be a sacrilege.

What about you?

A Heartfelt Concern

2008-12-21T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have been debating about whether I wanted to blog on a certain dilemma that is going on in my family for the last month because there are a lot of legal ramifications surrounding it and also because I didn't want to reveal too much personal information about my baby girl. So, I decided not to disclose too much of the story except to give some meat to the topic so you can understand where I am coming from.

My 16 year old niece is the love of my life, along with my three other heartbeats (as I talked about in an earlier post). Our relationship has had its share of ups and downs, but I have always fought to remain in her life. You see, my brother and her mother were never in a real relationship and her conception was not planned (to say the very least). But I believe that her existence on this earth was no accident, and she was a thought in the heart of God long before she made her debut.

Long story short, she was raised in her mother's household but my mom and I have always tried to provide a second place of respite, a second home for her - so much so that when she was having trouble at home, my mom got guardianship of her last year. For nine months we were in and out of court, fighting against sending her back to her mom because of the drug abuse, domestic violence, and alcoholism taking place in her mom's home. The judge agreed with us and we kept her as long as we could. But then, a CPS worker in the county where her mother lives recommended that the guardianship be terminated and my niece be returned home, although every other authority figure involved felt that it would be a huge mistake.

It was.

My niece and her two sisters were placed in foster care three months after my mom's guardianship was terminated by recommendation of the CPS Worker. They were taken from her mother because of the same reasons we had raised in court - her mother;s lifestyle and her mother giving my niece controlled substances. The CPS Worker that removed my niece from my mom's care was the same one that removed her from her mother's and placed her into foster care. He never informed us of this and we found out four months after the fact that my niece was no longer in her mother's home. We had tried to maintain contact with her, but her mother had intercepted us each time and by the time this took place, we were almost too late. My niece got in touch with us after being bounced from one foster home to the next.

Now, despite the pleas for her return to our care and our interactions with case workers and CPS workers and supervisors, my niece and her sisters still remain in foster care, in the home of strangers. There is more to the story that I cannot get into right now, but one issue that keeps coming up is that we, my niece's extended family, has no rights, and in fact, my brother, who is also demanding for the return of his daughter is being ignored by the foster care system.

It makes me wonder how many other fathers and how many other families are losing or have lost children to the system that really wanted to retain custody of those children. Of course every story is different, but the jist of it is this: the system that is supposed to be all about protecting children and also the reunification of families can also be guilty of destroying families. We were told that my niece's mother picked where her children would be placed with no regard to my brother's rights or the rights of the other fathers/family members that wanted their children with family. And this was okay and permissible.

I have realized that there are many levels of institutional racism and paternal discrimination that are at play in my niece's situation. I do not like to play the "race card" as they say, but it is very obvious that race has probably played a factor in the disregard for my niece's placement. Her mother and the family chosen to house my niece and her sisters are Caucasian. The authority figures deciding if we can even have contact with her (which we have not been allowed to, for no apparent reason) are Caucasian. And my brother unfortunately has played the role of the Black deadbeat father in the past making it easy for decisions to be made without a say-so from him or us, but at this point he is stepping up to rescue his child because his rights may be terminated too if he does not.

Tomorrow we are meeting with a lawyer and also going to a meeting between my brother and the Case Worker assigned to my niece's placement. He does not want his daughter staying with the family her mother chose because there have been many lies told and attempts by this family to keep his daughter from visits and phone calls with him. He wants her to be returned to our family's care. I believe things will be changed. But all of this raised a lot of questions in my mind about the role of the foster care system in destroying families, instead of protecting children.

I have some questions for anyone that reads this post.

How many of you know of children or teens that were placed in the foster care system, in the homes of strangers or unrelated families, when their biological families were readily available to take them?

We were told that my niece and her sisters were placed together, even though they all have different fathers and families that wanted to take them. There is a federal law on the books that CPS has to abide by that states in brief that children should be placed together, even if it means they are placed in the homes of complete strangers and not with family members who want them (if they have to be separated amongst family members). As in the case of my niece and her sisters, children who have different fathers may have to live with complete strangers just to keep them together, and those biological families may risk losing them altogether.

That is the place where we are, and we are fighting with everything within us to keep my baby from rotating through the system. I know so many children that have been in foster care and have not been allowed to see family (family that should have the right to love those children and be in their lives).

There are many stories about children taken from their parents that had families whom wanted to work together to keep the children, perhaps in different houses but still maintaining contact with their siblings. But CPS would not allow that because the children were not physically living in the same house and ended up putting the children in foster homes. There are very few foster homes that can house three or more children and inevitably children are separated anyway - most of the time with foster families and not with biological relatives. What sense does that make?

If you have experienced the loss of children to the system or know of any families that were not granted custody of those children due to the laws that are on the books that dictate that fathers rights may be disregarded for the good of a flawed system, please let me know. I am very concerned that there are:
(1) children that should be with their families but have been placed in foster homes unnecessarily;
(2) fathers rights are being overlooked, disregarded, or trampled on when children are taken from their mothers;
and (3) racism is affecting the placement of children in the foster care system.

My family is prepared to fight for my niece to the fullest extent of the law, and most likely, she will be returned to my family once her mother's rights are completely terminated in February. But truly, children should never be placed in the homes of strangers over the homes of family members simply to fulfill unrealistic laws established by the federal government at all. I know that this law was written with the best of intentions but no law should override what would be in the best interest of children.

Brilliant Idea!!!!

2008-12-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

Okay...I was blog-browsing via my girl FullComplexity's blog and I realized what I have been missing all along. Another fellow blogger has a blog solely focused on a book she is writing in the blogosphere. So my new idea is just that: I am going to start two new blogs - one for my novel and the other for my memoir. Please check them out and let me know what you think. I love to write and it really isn't as important to publish as it is to build an audience. So please help me out and let me know what you think...

Myowneworlddestiny will remain the same as always...stay tuned...

Nice to Be Noticed

2008-12-19T14:58:00.000-08:00

I was named an Honest Blogger (really?) by FullComplexity. I love that. So I am to name at least 7 bloggers in return that I think are honest as well.

You can link them below but I will highlight the ones I think you should look at:
FullComplexity
Talulazoeapple
Shesoflyy
Shauna Niequist
One Good Reason...
Clevergirlgoesblog
Jonalyn Grace Fincher

I got this from a blog I was reading today and decided to copy it.

10 Things you wish you could say to ten different people

1. Take care of your kids so I can focus on having my own.
2. Don't try to manipulate me because I used to be stupid enough to let you.
3. If only you weren't married. Actually thank God you are.
4. I love you more than life itself.
5. I am NOT the token black girl; I am the token CHURCH girl.
6. NOW you want me. TOO LATE!!!!
7. I don't care if you don't like me. I certainly won't cry over that.
8. At the rate you are going, you will never be Father of the Year.
9. Can you hurry it up?
10. You need to go on "What Not To Wear"...like yesterday.

9 Things about yourself

1. I give up my life for other people quite often and sometimes I get sick of doing that.
2. I love my short hair.
3. I wish I was married.
4. I miss my dad.
5. I love to cook new things - especially from scratch.
6. I hate being looked at like I am a piece of meat.
7. I wish I could write and do art full time.
8. I love being with my friends and family.
9. I do not think all men suck. Just the ones I somehow ended up dating...

8 Ways to win my heart

1. Love God and family like life depends on it.
2. Be present; be there.
2. Focus on building a real relationship with me and not just try to get in my panties.
3. Make me laugh until my stomach hurts and I can't breathe.
4. Listen to me.
5. Talk to me about the things that matter to you.
6. True, legitimate, lucrative employment
7. A sense of humor
8. Strong sense of family

7 Things that cross my mind a lot

1. God
2. Writing
3. Marriage
4. My future
5. My career
6. My family
7. Change

6 Things I do before I go to sleep

1. Brush my teeth and wash my face.
2. Kiss my mom
3. Drink some water
4. Pray
5. Go to the bathroom
6. Take off my nightgown and slide under the covers

5 People I couldn't live without

1. My mom
2. Erika
3. Shalantae
4. Davon
5. Anthony

4 Things I am wearing right now

1. My night gown
2. ?
3. ?
4. ?

3 Songs that fit my life perfectly

1. Get Up - Mary Mary (I think that's what it's called)
2. Play Your Cards Right - Keyshia Cole
3. Beautiful - Musiq Soulchild

2 Things I want to do before I die

1. Get married and have a family
2. Travel to a foreign country (Italy or Sierra Leone)

1 Confession

I think I am beautiful. I didn't always believe that. I also believe that I matter. Didn't always believe that either.

My First Babies Are Growing Up

2008-12-18T05:05:00.000-08:00

I blog alot about my friends babies and put pics up of the adorable bundles of joy quite often. But many moons ago, there were four other babies that had my heart all wrapped up in their little fists.

I have four nieces and nephews (and a great nephew) that have always been the lights of my life. They were my babies then and they still are now - although they are approaching adulthood pretty quickly.

The youngest one turned 12 yesterday, and my heart skipped a beat. They are all pretty much teenagers and are no longer the little children they once were, growing up so fast. Two are in high school and the last two are in middle school, beginning to expand in the knowledge of good and evil (just kidding).

They have already seen a lot and experienced a lot in their lives. Sometimes I worry about them more than I probably should but as I always say I want them to make it to adulthood (out of high school) in one piece (in one peace). It is difficult to watch them suffer because of parent issues and family turmoil, but I know it is all for their making. They will be great adults if they overcome the issues life will throw at them.

More than anything, I want to be a good aunt to them, even as they become adults. I want them to know that I care very deeply about their futures. I pray that they will be the people I know they can be, that they already are.

My Family's Nonexistent Christmas Dinner

2008-12-15T05:30:00.000-08:00

My family used to be really close. Every Holiday Season we made our plans to connect at my grandma's house for dinner and to open presents. I looked forward to seeing my cousins, my uncle, my aunts, and my nieces and nephews along with my mom and brother at the home of the woman we adored more than life itself. We would enjoy the delicious turkey, dressing, greens, mac-n-cheese, and other sides. I would secretly hope I had enough room for one of the desserts waiting on my grandma's kitchen counters for someone to dive in. There would be laughter and story-telling and football on television that was barely watched but became the background music to our festivities. And most of all there would be the unity that God shines on in every family.

But now...

Since my grandma's departure from this life and our world three years ago, things haven't been the same. To be honest, we haven't had a real Christmas since she went home to be with the Lord. The Holidays are so hard now because all I can do is think of what used to be and also how lonely I am. I miss being surrounded by my family. I miss the beauty of seeing my grandma's eyes sparkle when she watched her grandchildren and great-grands open presents, sitting around her feet. I miss my uncle's awesome stories and the way my stomach would hurt after laughing so much. I miss snuggling with my mom's older sister and talking about everything under the sun with my mom's younger sister.

Christmas is not the same for so many reasons. And there is this sense that I am nostalgic for a new tradition; I want a husband and children to build a new family tradition with. I even want in-laws to spend the Christmas season with like so many of my friends (have to) do. But for now, I am in a position of waiting for something to change. This is the season of advent and I think that in this time of waiting and reflecting I am truly waiting for love to surface in my life. I want a family more than any gift I could ever be given. That is what I desire, deep down, but I don't really say anything about it when people ask me what I want for Christmas or what I am getting for Christmas. I rarely get gifts anyhow and truly don't care about material stuff (though I would like an iPod).

Christmas used to be a wonderful time for gathering together for my family. I wish more than anything that I could still relish in the light of my family's presence. We all go our separate ways during the Holidays now because it is too hard to celebrate without my grandma. This year will be no different. We won't see each other, though we will call each other on the phone. I may cook but not the extravagant feast like we used to eat. My mom and I will spend the Holidays together without a tree or lights or wreaths decorating our surroundings. There will only be one present - a new place to call home. We are moving to a new house the weekend after Christmas.

But I really wish there was a family filling that home with all the good things that made the Holidays what they were before. I hate to sound so depressing but this is where I am at right now. Every year, as lame as it sounds, I tell myself this will be the last year I will celebrate the birth of Christ without a man in my life, a family to love, a place to belong. But this year, my prayer is still waiting to be answered and I am sad.

More Baby Pics and a Hair Cut

2008-12-08T05:52:00.000-08:00

I decided to do a relatively smaller post today. What's most important are the pics. I am once again in love with babies. In two of the pics I am holding my friends Laneisha and Richie's new baby. I wrote about her when she made her debut seven weeks ago. Now she is definitely growing into the queen of many hearts. The third pic is of my little prince Josiah, who is seven months now. I think this pic is absolutely gorgeous. I still haven't met him yet but during my Christmas Break from work at the end of this month, I am hoping to see him and be introduced to his highness...

And as you can probably tell from the picture with me and Queen Zariyah, I cut my hair a little more. I knew it was going to happen. I really did try to grow my hair out but it just didn't look right, so I went back to my comfort zone. Sorry to all those men that think women should have hair down to their behinds; that will never be me. Love me or leave me; take it or leave it. I think I look good with short hair. What do you think?

Thankful...

2008-11-26T05:25:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine asked me in an email what I am thankful for this year. With Thanksgiving Day's arrival tomorrow and my plans for the weekend looming on the horizon, many of the blessings I am thanking God for are in the form of the people I love the most. I will be spending time this weekend back home in Grand Rapids with "my babies" - my Tae and Erika and Vonnie and Anthony and Squirmy. I am truly thankful that God uses them quite consistently to change my mind about being self-centered.

I am thankful that God has healed me enough and is still healing me enough to be a good aunt/surrogate parent to my brother's children. My plans have momentarily changed in terms of moving out of state right now due to some issues that have arisen with my youngest niece. The truth is as much as I wish I could just pack up and leave them all, I am not released to do that JUST yet.

And I thank God for that, even though I do feel a bit boxed in at times because I know that I could be doing a lot of living somewhere else. But, I thank God that I can impact their lives as much as I impact the lives of the young people I see everyday at work and the lives of the young people I will one day touch. I want to start at home, with my own babies, and I thank God for the chance to be there for these children who need my brother's love and presence but do not truly have either. But they do have me, and I am not fighting that anymore.

I also thank God for my mother, who is still in the land of the living. We don't always see eye to eye on things but mostly we are comrades-in-arms when it comes to our family and most specifically her grandchildren and great-grandson, whom she adores. We fight together for their futures, and I thank God I am not alone in the struggle to change their lives.

It may seem wierd but I am thankful that I am needed by my family, that my nieces and nephews love me, that I have people to care for. If it were not for them I would be the loneliest woman on earth. So many people in our world do not have family. So, I am thankful for their smiles, their laughter, their passions, and their dreams. I am thankful even for the times when they try to assert their independence and I have to rein them back in ("You ain't grown YET!). And I am thankful for their futures, and I cannot wait to see the kind of men and women they will grow to be.

For this, I am thankful. My life is so full.

A Few Indiscretions

2008-11-21T05:38:00.000-08:00

So...I have a couple guilty pleasures that I'd like to tell you all about. I am not a perfect person, so I'll throw that out there as my disclaimer. I love God, go to church (not always every Sunday, but often), I read my Bible, and I try to live as drama-free a life as I can. As I always say, there is no need for unnecessary dramatics in my world, and I'd like to keep that way for as long as possible.

But there are a few things that might be considered not so Christian that I either enjoy watching, reading or doing. The first thing I enjoy doing is going out with friends for food, drinks, and karaoke. That may or may not be a good combination but I tell you what, it makes for a rip-roaring good time and I walk away feeling totally free and uninhibited. I enjoy being with people that don't take life too seriously, and I think once you've been in the church for a long time, people start to assume that you aren't supposed to enjoy life, laughter, and singing 1980s R&B.

My next "indiscretion" is something I am reading right now. The thing is I have been waiting a long time for either a movie or another book from Sister Souljah, and when I saw in either Essence or Ebony (more reading indiscretions) that she had a new book out I was really hyped about the whole thing. So, when I went to the library last week and saw her book "Midnight" on the shelf I almost broke down dancing right then and there.

(Let me just say this: Here in Port Huron, Michigan (or Port Boring, as it is so affectionately called) where I am temporarily residing until something better comes along, the library very rarely orders books by African-American authors. So when they do I am very pleasantly surprised. The library gods must think that Black folks don't read. Well, honey, let me tell you - I DO read. A lot. And I read several different types of books as you will hear about in future posts. But...I digress.)

Anyway, I am reading this book right now. I am amazed that it is 500 pages. It has started out a lot different than her first book "The Coldest Winter Ever" which I happened to love, by the way. That book was great, but the problem I found out later, is that it paved the way for a lot of poorly written "ghetto" books that landed on bookstore shelves much to my chagrin (a writer that is fighting to get two books commercially published right now). Again, I digress.

"Midnight" is my book indiscretion, sitting alonsgide Erwin McManus' Soul Cravings, Barack Obama's "Dreams From My Father", Stephen Mansfield's "The Faith of Barack Obama", and last but not least my worn Amplified Bible. It is living on my bed's headboard bookshelf in obvious mixed company. But the reality I tell myself or the excuse I give anyone else is that I am learning something life-changing from each book. I will give a more thorough critique of "Midnight" and the other books I am reading right now when I finish them, but I had to give some sort of explanation as to why this book is being read so voraciously by the Church Girl, right?

My next indiscretion is something I liked to watch on television. I say liked because the season finale just aired Tuesday, although there is one more show next week that will uncover some apparent dirty laundry and one more delectable tidbit of drama. The wierd thing is my godmother actually hipped me to this show and she is a pastor herself. She liked it because it showed Black women that didn't live in the hood and had money to boot. I do get a bit tired of seeing Black women on television that are standing in the welfare line or having babies out of wedlock with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. That being said, there isn't much else to be proud of in a Afrocentric kind of way with this show.

I just flat-out enjoyed this crazy mix of weave-wearing, sassy, rich femme fatales on this hour-long laugh fest. The Real Housewives of Atlanta became a guilty pleasure of mine the last few weeks of the show. I even started engaging myself so much with NeNe, Sheree, Kim, Lisa, and DeShawn that I started declaring to anyone that watched the show and would know the characters who I liked or disliked more. I very rarely get that involved with a television show (except Grey's Anatomy and sometimes Keyshia Cole's show).

I could not STAND NeNe. A lot of people said they liked her because she kept it real and she seemed the most down-to-earth. (What kind of real are they talking about?!?!) I personally thought she was the fakest, most two-faced one of them all because she kept up so much dissension with all the women - women she was supposed to be friends with. She reminded me of women (females) I have known both in high school and (dare I say) in church (but I won't talk about that) where I came face-to-face with the rawest qualities of humanity. And I am being real here when I say that I will not befriend (at least on a deep level) a woman like that. She will keep up too much chaos.

NeNe is the type of female that thinks (in layman's terms) she is this angelic representation on earth and is ignorant enough to believe that gives her the license to talk about other people as if she is better than them. She is the person that can be the loud-mouth, the life of the party, but can also be the one that everyone wants to fight. I literally wished I could jump inside the television and whup her tail and then jump back out before she could understand why she was lying on the concrete.

(I know...that is not a very lady-like or Christian attitude, but I am being honest here.)

This type of female was personified in many girls in my high school back in Grand Rapids and it makes me wonder if they still act like her today. I know back then I would not deal with them. NeNe was superficial and fake because she would smile in her "friends" faces and then would run them down in the next breath - once she got a few drinks in her. I know I said earlier that I like to go out and have drinks but not to the point where I am saying something I will regret later. I don't believe in getting twisted and then letting it all hang out. Once again, I apologize...I digress.

To me NeNe was not a viable symbol of true womanhood (not that the rest of them were in all areas; she just stood out the most). She is the person I point out to my nieces and say "Don't be like her. Somebody will want to beat the brakes off you if you turn into THAT. And it just might be me."

She is a symbol of a woman out of her element that does not fit in the classy world her marriage evidently placed her. Her attitude exemplified the fact that money certainly does not buy class. I think a real woman is born with a certain pedigree, a certain quality, and NeNe did not have that and she certainly was not trying to develop it.

So those are my little indiscretions. What are yours?

My Little Girl and Her Baby

2008-11-15T10:15:00.001-08:00

The pictures I have posted with this entry is of my little girl Tae, otherwise known as my niece, and her son. Since the moment she was born 17 years ago I have loved her so very deeply. The second I laid eyes on her I knew that I would never be the same. She would change my definition of love and family. My brother's ex-girlfriend had her when they were both 19 and were totally not ready to be parents (and in many ways they still aren't - sorry, I hate to say it, but they are both 36 year old kids). But she appeared in our worlds anyway - ready or not. And she is still here doing her thing as only she can do it - making us all re-think our perspectives on life. And in the midst of it, we can't help but love her. I know I can't.

She is now 17, a junior in high school, and is a mother herself. It rocked my world when she got pregnant at 15. I was so scared for her and for her child. Mainly, I was scared that she would never shine as brightly as she was born to do. But she is shining. She IS shining like a star despite the difficulties being a teen mother can bring. I love her so much for her resiliency, and I never fail to tell her that.

The picture shows my little girl's beauty; it also shows what I saw the first day I ever met her in Butterworth hospital 17 years ago. It shows a beautiful girl destined to change the world. And she will. She was born to be a trailblazer and a world-changer, and part of my plans in myowne life is to help her do just that.

The little boy in the first two pictures (with all the beautiful hair) is her son. She loves her Squirmy as she calls him. His name is Jeremy and he reminds me so much of her when she was his age - same eyes, same smile, same personality. I am nostalgic for those days; I really am. No matter what, I know that she will be as good a mother as she can be because she knows how to ask for help and she doesn't want her son to be anything less than the best. She will be graduating high school next year, and I wonder what her life will be like when she enters adulthood. I want her to be successful; I always tell her this. And she is determined that she will be. That's all anybody can ask. Really.

Need a New Place to Call Home

2008-11-12T07:19:00.001-08:00

I drove to work with one thought on my mind this morning:

"I've got to have a place to call home...a place of my own...a place for me."

I had a brief mini-spat with my mom last night because she is apparently getting tired of me crashing at her house until I am able to move to my own apartment in Port Huron or hopefully, another city. Things are not going according to plan since I had to move out of my last place, and I am ready to just go somewhere for me for once. I came to Port Huron to help my godparents and have hated the stay.

I also am staying with her because she is planning to move to the Phoenix, AZ area, and I wanted to go with her. I didn't want her to go alone because we have no family in that area (most of our family is either in Michigan or down South.)

But she doesn't seem to want me with her, and I don't want to be miserable or to make her miserable since really this move to the Valley of the Sun is her dream - not mine. I don't mind going to Arizona but I have some concerns with how she will treat me if I am not able to find a job right away or an affordable apartment there. My mom can be mean sometimes, and I hate it.

But the truth is, I do need my own life. The problem is I don't know where to go. I don't particularly want to return to my city of origin (Grand Rapids), and right now, Michigan really sucks as far as jobs and housing and men and good times go.

So my question to anyone reading this post is: Where is the best place for a 30-something, single, African-American female with an education and no kids to establish a home? What location should I set up residence in, where I can take part in artistic endeavors, meet new people, find a great church to attend, possibly get a graduate degree, and where I could potentially meet a great guy to settle down with?

Maybe a lot of women in my shoes are asking this, and I am not alone. But if you, O Reader, have found a happy place, please let me know about it. Please let me know if the city you are living in is working for you and why. I am pretty stumped as far as my next move is concerned.

Places I may be interested in going:
(1) Nashville, TN
(2) Chicago, IL (although it can get friggin' cold there, but I love the Chi)
(3) Phoenix, AZ
(4) Somewhere usually pretty warm most of the year

Places I am definitely not interested in going:
(1) Detroit, MI
(2) Somewhere people are not doing anything positive
(3) Somewhere cold (besides Chicago)

That leaves a lot of room for choices. Let me know!

STRANGE, THOUGH NOT UNEXPECTED

2008-11-10T05:18:00.000-08:00

Okay...I need to do a few updates since most of my posts lately have been about President Obama or the election campaign issues I was having or other people's babies. When I started this blog, I had intended to write about the class I was teaching at church and some changes I am making right now in my personal life. Well, some things never change.

I may have intended to teach these kids at church, trying to motivate them to live out their faith in a more intelligent, learned way. So, what happened? They stopped coming. A couple times my class got cancelled. Then I would show up on Wednesday nights and they wouldn't, for various reasons. And then, I just decided that this inconsistency is proof that some things never change. One of the issues I have with my church is the inconsiderate way things set up for the teens are viewed. And I am so sick of it. I have tried setting up tutoring programs, youth activities and classes. Nothing ever continued after the first month.

A lot of it has to do with the parental involvement. The parents are not very involved in anything that has to do with their kids - at church and at school. I know because I have worked with them in both places. I am not just drawing an unfair conclusion. And if the parents don't make certain things a priority, the kids won't either.

So this was my last shot at trying to do something life-affecting at my church. I have tried many, many times, and although my pastor doesn't agree with this, I don't believe in beating a dead horse. So...as of right now...the class "Own Your Faith" is on hiatus (maybe, permanently). It's too bad really; it was going so well. But I don't have the energy to beg people to bring their kids so I can teach them about the things of God and faith. That's not my job.

And then...something else has happened that has caused me to really take a look at relationships and even how I may be viewed by men. Most of my friends are married - except for one. All of them have gotten married within the last 6 years. So, I have had a good opportunity to see how relationships are built and what makes them work (or not work, in some cases). I have had the chance to interact with these couples in a variety of different ways, and I have drawn a lot of conclusions about what I want and what I don't want.

And one thing I don't want is to learn that one of my friend's husbands thinks I am beautiful and wishes that we could be together in some way, form, or fashion because my friend is not doing her wifely duties.

Yes, you heard me. One of my friends' husbands, in a feigned attempt to ask me for help in understanding his wife (like I can help with that; I don't KNOW her like THAT), also released some real talk in my ear. I am surprised that he would admit this but I am not surprised that married men are so intrigued by me. I am not saying this in a proud or conceited manner. But I have had married men (some married to my friends and others, complete strangers) look at me inappropriately or even try to hit on me in some way.

And this solidifies why I keep my distance when my friends get married or get into relationships. It's scary first of all to be the only single one in my groups of friends. And it is also scary that when you try to befriend and be helpful in any way, you are looked at as a potential jump-off. I am so freakin' sick of being viewed as a great distraction or so empty-headed that I would be willing to kiss, sleep with, or even carry on indepth conversations with my friends' significant others.

Not cool. And not happening again.

I want my own husband - not somebody else's and especially not my friend's. I told my mom that I get tired of men just wanting to sleep with me but not wanting to marry me (either because they won't or because they obviously can't). It was just so selfish of these married men to try and trap me into something that would ruin my friendships with their wives. And it is so selfish of some men to try and bed me down and then walk away.

I'm not a ho, and I never have been. I'm the church girl (not innocent by any means, but really trying to live right). So (excuse the french, but) what the hell is this? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says I am easy or desperate or stupid? I'm just wondering.

Election Night

2008-11-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

My mother and I stayed up late to watch the election results, and when they came in, she screamed in disbelief. Then she began to cry. If you have ever seen my mom cry, you will know that it is not a pretty sight. But, I wept real ugly, right with her. I'm sorry...I came undone...

I wept because she was remembering a day I was blessed never to see. I have faced some levels of racism and prejudice - called "Nigger" right to my face, denied jobs I was clearly qualified for, treated as an outsider even in my undergrad studies when I thought my intelligence and love of Christ indicated that I deserved to be treated as an equal.

But she has seen so much more. She has experienced some things she has never shared.

She has seen her father and mother's determination to give their children a better life than they had. She heard the account of her father's ambush by a group of young white men when he was young and the way his life was spared by an elderly white woman that refused to see "Mandie's boy" harmed in any way. (Mandie was his mother.) She had witnessed the hard work and harsh treatment her mother sometimes endured at her job as a nurse's aide in a hospital years ago. My uncle had told her of the difficulty she had growing up in the South, along with my grandfather. And she herself lived the life, along with her brother and sisters, of a member of the third generation of an African-American family this side of slavery.

I cried with my mother as she sobbed her father and mother's names, wishing they were here in the physical to see such a monumental occasion in this country. I wept with her as she dialed her brother and sister up to celebrate long distance.

But I also cried as I looked at the pictures of my nieces and nephews adorning every available surface and showcased on the walls. They have always been very important to me, to us. I did not pursue goals outside of Michigan until they were all out of the formative years and entering their teen years. I wanted to make an impact on them while they were little.

As I gazed at their smiling faces in retrospect, I realized that no matter what happens in this presidency, they will always have the reminder that they can shoot for the moon and hit another solar system. They can separate themselves from the stigma of racism and overcome that demon.

We are doing that now for the next generation. And no, we are nowhere near being totally fulfilled. We have some people out there that are very angry that we have a Black (bi-racial) President in this country and are planning to kill him. There are people that wish him dead - him and his family, simply because he is of African and Caucasian descent (perhaps an anomaly in the White House?). There are even people of color (I know a few) that are not glad that he and his family will grace the halls of that mansion.

But I am praying that the beginning we had yesterday will continue for the sake of the children whose lives have been affected from the first day until now. I am also praying that God will have His way in this country. I happen to believe He will. He has heard the cry of the oppressed and the day for vindication is today, right now.

ELECTION DAY 2008 - A Historic Occasion, Indeed

2008-11-04T08:35:00.000-08:00

I voted for Barack Obama this morning to be the new President of the United States. As I drove from the voting precinct I was assigned to, my thoughts were on my grandparents and how proud they would be to potentially have a Black President in this country where our ancestors were shipped as slaves, mistreated for generations, and treated as second-class citizens. I did not, believe it or not, ultimately focus solely on his similar ethnic identity in my decision - as I fear many in my culture have. I voted for him because I believe that even despite our opposing views on certain issues we are more alike than we are different; we are closer in our hopes for this country, where we both hold claim to so many freedoms once denied my grandparents.

I am still very curious about this man, Barack Obama, and with that in mind I have decided to begin reading more about him and some commentaries concerning who he is as a person. Obviously books only tell partial truths, but I do not think I will ever get the chance to know him indepthly or personally (at least not right now). But I am definitely sincere in my pursuit to understand this amazingly intelligent, passionate man that may, after today, be leading our country.

With that as my basis, I have agreed to review a book written by Stephen Mansfield, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. The book is called The Faith of Barack Obama. I will post my comments about the book here and on the websites Thomas Nelson has requested.

This is indeed a historic day in our nation, and I am literally shaking deep within at the thought of the changes that could be taking place in this country starting January 29, 2009. Happy Election Day, all!

My Little Angel-Heart

2008-10-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

The picture I have included with this post is of another special little lady in my life. This is a more recent picture of my goddaughter Terryl-Lynn, whose picture I drew a couple months ago. She is a year old in this picture, and the smile she gives is genuinely HER. She is such a little character and I love being around her. She makes her Tee-Tee's day. (Tee-Tee is the name I have given myself for her to one day call me.) This will probably happen soon as she is starting to associate names with faces and is also saying loads of stuff a one-year-old probably shouldn't be saying yet - like "See you later" and "Oh, yeah, Baby" and "Hello?" when the phone rings. She loves to talk on the phone to her Grandma, by the way, and that proves to me that she will likely have her own activated cell phone by the time she is three. She has a cell phone now but it is not turned on. But when she is capable of carrying out full blown conversations, I think she will demand her own phone.

Theological Differences

2008-10-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

I did not go to church yesterday - the first time in a really long time that I took the Sabbath day off from a formal religious gathering. There were many reasons that I won't get in to, but there was one in particular that was solidified later in the day. I knew that this was the Sunday that the 2008 election would be discussed.

My mom came home very nearly irate that some members of the church leadership staff had declared some unrealistic stances on the upcoming election. I had known that our pastor would announce to the congregation the person she was voting for, and although I totally respect her decisions and opinions in most things, I was a little concerned. Her decision to vote for a candidate of choice was not based on sound principles, and as I told my mom, I do not have a right to take issue with anyone's election choices. This is our personal right as American citizens and as Christians.

However, my only issue lies in how we as Christians form our opinions and decisions. We have a responsibility to be informed. We have a responsibility to make those decisions fully engaged in the process. We definitely should not make choices based only on one level of life (just the spiritual level, which does intertwine with all the others). We should not just focus spiritually, racially, economically, or intellectually. We have to take into consideration every facet, take serious thought on all levels, and be fully ready to make any move.

There were a few areas that my mother reported to me that raised some major concerns for me in terms of how the members of our church were directed to vote this year. The following are a few statements that were announced by various members of the leadership staff across the pulpit yesterday:

1) "I am not telling you who to vote for but you should vote righteously. It's about Kingdom."

2) "You can't be concerned about color (race)."

3) "Don't worry about the economy. God will take care of us. We are of a different Kingdom."

4) "I used to be a Democrat but now I am a Republican."

5) "Obama is for abortion and gay marriage."

6) "Palin is a tongue-talking believer."

Let me say this. Each of these statements does have some element of fact to it. My concern is that I worry that although the disclaimer was made that no one is saying who to vote for, there is no doubt in my mind that there is a lot of subtle advertising going on. I think the reality is a subliminal message is being promoted. And as much as I love my church and my people, I am having a hard time stomaching the message.

And I also want to say that each of these statements have caused me to raise my eyebrows at the silent justification behind each of them. I worry that who we are as Christians is being misconstrued and the one thing everyone needed to hear was not said. I will address the above statements, but I want to direct your attention to a blog-article I read this morning by Jim Wallis on the Sojourners' website. The jist of it was this: We as Christians have a duty to remember that when we vote we have to vote not just for ourselves but for those who live in the margins, the ones that will be more directly affected by the outcome of this election, and (dare I say) those who do not know this Christ we hold claim to.

That is my segue into my responses to the above statements, and I will try to be as objective as possible in case someone that attends my church is reading this blog. I do not want to be guilty of the same issue I am highlighting - trying to persuade anyone of who they should or should not vote for. (I doubt anyone will read this, but I have to be careful as a writer and a thinker that I do not necessarily put my opinions into it too deeply.)

Statement 1: When someone is Kingdom-minded, they must be very careful not to forget that the Kingdom of God is not merely an opposite of this earthly kingdom. It is the Kingdom that is ultimately meant to show these earthly kingdoms the reign and rule of our God. We are not to separate our own experience on this earth from the experiences of those who live outside the parameters of God's Kingdom. We also must remember that voting righteously means voting not only with integrity but voting for integral people. I leave that for now - subject to interpretation.

I realized too that when this statement was made that this was almost a bit misleading because the people (me, included) in this church (and in most churches) depend so heavily on the opinions of our leadership staff. And well we should because they are our spiritual leaders. But that dependence can be faulty too because what if, as in this situation, those opinions are not well-thought out or are based on the opinion of someone else (that may not truly understand the plight of the people in our church or in our neighborhoods or in our city)? And also, I hate to say it, but those opinions can actually be more harmful than good if they are not based on investigation and definite evidence.

In this case, yes, we definitely need to make righteousness the rule. But we have to at least listen to both sides before we make a choice. And my fear is that this has not happened. Even King Solomon listened to the two mothers fighting over one baby even though he knew that only one woman had given birth to the child.

Statement 2: This statement burned me a little because as much as I want to forget about the race issues that have surfaced in lieu of a possible Black (bi-racial) President, how can anyone - Christian or otherwise be so blind to the obvious? Of course this is about race. Of course we have to be concerned about race. God clearly had a reason for a Black (bi-racial) man to be running in this race against a White man. Though we know within the Body of Christ there is no male or female, Jew or Greek, slave or free, that does not eradicate the existence of the mosaic of mankind.

And then, I have to think in terms of the more recent past and the many, many African-Americans (my grand and great-grandparents, included) that went through so much for us to get to this point. No, we definitely should not vote according to race, but we have to remember where this country was even 40 years ago. Come on, now. Where this country was not only affects where this country is now but where the Church in this country is now. Race is important, not only to this election but to what happens - even in our churches - after this is "over" next week Wednesday.

Statement 3: God is taking care of us - His Son's Body and Bride. We are the blessed and beloved. But while we may be covered in this season of economic struggles and pains (though, I know that even in our church there are many that are living paycheck to paycheck, if they are receiving one at all), where does this leave this world we are called to reach? There are so many marginalized poor families and individuals that do not have that assurance. There are people I meet everyday that live below the poverty line, and while we may not have to be concerned for ourselves, we do to be concerned for them.

What is our responsibility as the Church during this hour? We are called upon to be concerned for those who are disadvantaged, disenfranchised, and disabled. We have to be concerned about the widow and the fatherless. And we cannot forget that we do in fact know them, and in some cases have been where they are. To not be concerned about the state of this economy and vote with that reality in view is not only un-Christian but it is irresponsible.

Statement 4: In one of my earlier posts (The 2008 Elections: A Christian Response?) I talked about this very issue. I was concerned about how Christianity and Republicanism is at times looked at synonymously. And this statement made yesterday made me wonder if that same fallacy had crept into the philosophy of a man I have respected since I met him. I still respect him, immensely, but I have some questions that need answering.

I do not have a problem with him for voting for McCain, whom he is campaigning for and is in fact going to his previous church in Ohio to try and influence minority voters to vote for him, too. I have decided to respectfully disagree with him on many of the issues he raises in his arguments for this candidate. However, I find it hard to believe that he would affiliate himself with any group or party or faction.

You can vote for who you want, but your primary allegiance and vocal affirmation must be to Jesus Christ alone. For me, saying that you are or a Republican or a Democrat or an Independent or a Green Party Member raises a lot of questions for me in terms of how far should Christians go into the kingdom systems of this American society and government. Should we be willing to label ourselves? Should we side with any party or simply stand on the principles of the Kingdom of God (which may in fact be totally opposite of any party's standards and principles)?

Statement 5: I will not get into the details of this statement. The only thing I will say is that generally speaking these concerns are definitely reasons I gave initially for not considering Obama. But then I listened to the debates and the conventions for both sides, and I knew that if what was being said was indeed true standpoints and not just a bunch of hokey to get votes, there is more to it than what we generalize.

My problem in this general statement is it shows that there was no investigation into what either candidate said and meant. The person that made this statement never watched one debate or viewed either convention. And that means the explanations were never considered. This does not mean I agree with Obama's stance, but I do agree with parts of it. I have to say that the only Person I have to fully agree with is God Himself. I can disagree with a man and still respect his views in certain things (and not completely follow him), but I believe that the only way I can totally be united to the cause of Christ is to agree fully and completely with His view.

I am a bit disappointed as I am sure you can tell from the length of this blog in the disregard for obtaining all the facts and the decisions made as a result. I believe and have been brought up to believe that the best way to live this life is to be fully engaged in it and not just accepting the disparities of life at face value. I do not believe in making decisions any other way. Be fully informed and then act prayerfully.

Statement 6: This last one really bothered me. Am I supposed to base my final vote on this woman's ability to speak to God in an unknown language? Am I supposed to say that if something were to happen to McCain (God forbid) while he is office, I should be totally assured that because she comes from a Charismatic Pentecostal church (apparently somewhat similar to mine? not sure, really) that she is definitely a shoe-in for the inheritance of the American Presidency?

I'm sorry, but I think not. My question will always remain, Is this person totally qualified to run this country if McCain is no longer able to? Is this person the one I think should make decisions for my future, my family's future, my country's future, or even the future of the church in this country? Does she walk in integrity? Does she care about the poor, the broken, the hurting? Is she the one to carry this country on her shoulders?

I cannot base the answers to those questions (and many more) on the basis of whether or not she speaks in tongues. The truth is, while that is a great spiritual gift to have, for me her ability to lead with integrity is the more beneficial of Christian attributes that I would look for in anyone that is going to help lead us to a new place. This statement showed me that perhaps my reasons and the reasons others in pastoral leadership gave are definitely contradictory.

As I stated in earlier posts, I have been strongly considering the next phase of my life and this includes moving on to a new spiritual landing place. My consideration in leaving this church does not solely rest on the issues I have raised in this blog, but I have to say that I do not share a common vision anymore with the leaders of this house in many ways. I love this church, have been a member for 11 years of my life, but I realize that perhaps my heart for ministry and the direction this church is going is too far removed from each other. Perhaps it is indeed time for me to move on, but I still love very deeply these people that God has used to help mature my faith.

I truly hope the members really think for themselves who they will vote for this year. I certainly have thought through my decision and plan to vote for the person I believe is the right leader for this country. And I hope that we all realize the value in not just going with the majority or even with what others may think. The only Person whose voice counts in the end is God's. And we need to trust the Spirit of God for ourselves.

MOSAIC Day @ Clintondale

2008-10-24T05:03:00.000-07:00

A wonderful woman (who just happens to be a Christian - YAY!) at the high school where I work presented a really nifty idea to the staff there some months ago. Her idea to help build school community was to have an afternoon of workshops taught or lead by individual staff members focused around hobbies that could be presented to the students. Most every staff member excitedly agreed to lead sessions around the school - from bowling to sudoku, poetry to quilting. The afternoon's festivities would be called by one name - MOSAIC.

A mosaic is a puzzle with many intricate pieces that once formed presents a beautiful picture. Each piece brings uniqueness to the puzzle. The picture above was the logo printed on tees that the staff members wore, showing what Clintondale's definition of MOSAIC day meant to us. So many different people, with all manner of gifts and talents were opening themselves up to kids that otherwise wouldn't know the hearts behind their teachers and school staff members. I think it was a great idea, personally.

Yesterday was the big MOSAIC day at Clintondale, and I participated too as a way to draw into a more cohesive bond with the students and the staff since I am still relatively new to the school and one of the few African Americans on staff. I chose to teach a poetry workshop, where students would learn about performance poetry and would be given the opportunity to read their own poems in front of the group. As with each MOSAIC session, kids were assigned according to their preferences, and I had a whole group (except for one) of young people that love to write. They brought their poems and were ready to roll.

It was a great opportunity to talk about writing, present great poetry, and get to know others. The kids seemed to enjoy it, and my belief was solidified that my truest ministry to youth does involve writing and art. I can't wait until I can start that ministry. I am truly looking forward to making sessions like the one I led yesterday my way of life (besides creating and presenting my own work). I really felt like I was finally at home. And the truth is I believe those young people felt like they were at home, like they had a safe place to land too. I truly thank God for being part of His Mosaic.

Josiah's Eyes, at Six Months

2008-10-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

I guess I should really re-name my blog Josiah's Page (or Myowneworld's Beautiful Baby Blog) and just say the rest of the entries are add-ons between baby arrivals and changes. Here is the beautiful little man again, and I believe the older he gets, the more he matures in his look, the more in love I am. He apparently has quite the personality, and it is evident in some of his other pictures where he is smiling and drooling and playing with his Mommy or Daddy. But the pictures I have posted on today's entry show his more regal side. I love the black and white and sepia pics of the little prince, and I truly cannot wait to meet him. This boy has the most passionate eyes ever. I love him and his mother so very much, and I hope that he brings her as much joy in real life as his pictures do for me - in distance.

Children Killing Children

2008-10-17T05:08:00.000-07:00

(This picture was taken last evening of family members, teachers, and friends outside Providence Hospital in Southfield, Michigan after a young man was gunned down outside his high school. I believe the woman in the dark blue shirt being hugged is the boy's mother.)

On the news last night, there was a story about a shooting at a Northwest Detroit High School. As with any school shooting or any act of violence involving children or teens that I hear about or read about, I find myself sitting with tears in my eyes. A 16-year-old basketball-loving young man was shot three times and died. His mother and then his sister tearfully explained how he was taken from then so senselessly, and I was reminded of why my passion for young people is so strong.

So many young people are struggling. They are struggling to live; they are struggling not to die early and unfulfilled. They are fighting a battle that many were set to lose before birth. And the root cause of the struggle is the absence of fathers (and sometimes mothers). I encounter so many teenagers in my daily work at Clintondale High (and in other environments where I have staked my claim) who battle with not having (especially) a father to love them, guide them, and validate them. So they battle with life. And in the case of the boy that was killed, it can be at times a losing battle.

Yesterday afternoon, about two hours before that 16-year-old was killed, a young man sat in my office. We talked for nearly two hours about the direction his life was going. He graduated from the high school last school year and is planning on attending an area college for Computer Engineering. We started with talking about his future and ended up focusing a lot of our discussion around his past, around his beginnings. We focused attention on his relationship with his parents.

He told me he was very angry as a little boy because his father was not there. He was hanging around the fringes of his life but was not actively a part of the everyday times. This young man expressed that now that he is older he is not so much angry as he is realizing that his father had his own issues that kept him from being the kind of father he needed.

This young man also talked about his mother and how he could not figure out how she had raised him and his two siblings on her own without intervention from their fathers. The truth was all three children were turning out far better than statistics dictated, and the truth was they recognized their futures - unlike so many young people today that do not even think about the future because they do not believe they have one. But these three believe they have something to look forward to because their mother made sure that their futures would be protected no matter what.

When I got home and heard the report about the school shooting, all I could think about was the young man in my office, the teens that travel the halls at my school, and even the young people in my personal life that I care so deeply for. And I began to cry. I cried for how our babies are suffering and struggling and need their fathers. I cried for the souls of the children and teens that leave this earth so prematurely. I cried for the young man whose life was so tragically ended in gunfire.

This morning as I drove to work again, as I returned to the trenches again, I thought about how important fathers are. I did not have mine growing up and a lot of the teens I encounter in some way, form, or fashion do not have active father figures in their lives either. And it is not fair. I wondered where the fathers of those shooters were. The shooters yesterday were children themselves (15, 16, and 18) and the targets that were hit besides the young man that died were also 15 and 16 years of age respectively. Where were their daddies???? Were there any men in their lives at all????

To be honest, God sent men into my life to save me from a life of the streets, of sexual immorality, of poverty. If I had not had them - my grandfather, my stepfather, my uncle, my youth pastor, and my godfather - I may have ended up as a tragedy myself. I needed those men, and the children that do not have their fathers need men to stand up too. I grieve for this generation that does not have father figures to teach them - especially our young men. They are teaching themselves and living by the laws of the streets...kill or be killed.

There is a new song titled "My Life" put out by The Game and Lil' Wayne that is playing in heavy rotation on area radio stations. (Sidebar: The anthems of hip-hop are the songs of this generation. Their whole philosophies of life are based around the words of these artists that talk about the hard life of the ghetto, of the poor, of those who are indeed in the marginalized areas of all of our communities. The Game and Wayne are just examples of this. I have heard their music - have listened to the harsh poetry of the life I know but was blessed to escape.)

In this song, The Game says these lines: "...Like I needed my father, but he needed a needle." People ask why the young people love rap so much, why they repeat the lines, but won't pick up a book to read. The answer? Because they can bear witness to lines like this one and books may seem so far removed from the life they see everyday.

The young man in my office yesterday told me that his father drinks every day, gets "blowed" (smokes weed and drinks alcohol). Even now, he can't believe if his father calls him up (which he has been doing a lot more lately) to tell him that he loves him. He wants to believe that his father does love him but it is hard to believe when it seems like the father that should have helped raise you loves alcohol and weed and women and everything else in the world more than you.

The kids sing the songs because they know that what they hear is the only truth they will ever know unless someone enters in to change their perspective. Specifically, they need father figures to teach them about life and the correct battles to fight. Angry kids are fighting false battles - against other angry kids and that means lives are being lost in the crossfire.

So...I endeavor to be here for the young men and women like the ones that sit in my office to talk, that share with me their stories, that unburden their pains in my lap because I am woman enough to take it (straight to Jesus) and woman enough to care what happens to them. That is why I am here. God please help our kids. Please save them.

A New Little Princess To Adore

2008-10-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

A really good friend of mine, Laneisha, and her husband Richie welcomed their first child, Zariyah Jewell two days ago. I was so mesmerized by their baby's beautiful face that I just had to write about her.

I love babies, and there are times I wish I was a wife and a mother. But nevertheless, although I am not, I try to love my friends' babies as much as possible. Zariyah is a new addition to this baby fan club. So I am already planning to buy dresses and little jeans and hair ribbons and shoes. But since she just got here, I know that I have time to love her, too, God willing.

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-10-13T04:57:00.000-07:00

I celebrated my 31st birthday this past Saturday, and I have to say that I do not feel older, per se, but I do feel wiser, more retrospective, more settled in the fact that my life is heading into a new season. I am truly in my 30s now, whatever that means, and I know that this decade will be pretty life-changing.

I will likely change locations (moving to another part of the country and not just another part of Michigan), get married, obtain some graduate degrees, have children, buy a house or a condo, buy another car, start saving more money than I spend, make more life-affecting decisions, start my ministry endeavors working with kids, publish a couple more books, and begin traveling more after those books are published - all in my 30s. That is a lot to look forward to, a lot of goals to strive for. I am excited because engaging in all these things does bring more responsibility but also there will also be a lot more freedom to grow and change and allow God to affect the decisions I have to make. I won't be making them alone, but I won't be making them with the total input of other people, either.

It's not that decisions were made for me in my 20s but sometimes I do not think people viewed me as an adult. Sometimes, I think I was "monitored" a little more concerning the decisions I tried to make for myself. But now, I feel this sense of freedom that says I am able to change directions and go where God wants me to go without the approval of others, necessarily. Of course, we all need godly counselors in our lives but we really need to learn to trust God more than we trust the voice and opinions of others. I listen to the mothers in my life that speak what I may need to hear but I am at the point where I have learned to weigh all the options in my life along with what God is saying as well.

And that feels good.

I love being in my 30s. I didn't cry Saturday at all about turning 31. I appreciated the moment. I appreciated the freedoms being "grown" allots.

New Pictures

2008-10-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

For my 31st birthday, my mom decided to pay for me to have professional pictures taken. My plan is to use these pictures on marketing material and on back cover copy for my books. I think they turned out pretty well and have decided to paste a few on the blog for some feedback.

Saying NO to Others While Saying YES to God

2008-10-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

I said "No" yesterday.

Wow. Prolific, huh?

It is when you never say it. It is when you always make yourself available to meet the needs/wants/demands of others with little thought to the repercussions of what saying yes will mean for you.

One thing I have learned in this season of change and metamorphosis is that I need to make sure that whatever my answer will be, it needs to line up with what I believe God is saying to me. I have to admit that sometimes I make decisions with the best of intentions, with my heart in the right place, but I did not stop to consider what God had to say. I am so guilty of this - in a lot of areas in my life. But I am especially guilty of saying yes to people when I should say no and vice versa.

And the truth is...I am tired of putting myself in that position of not saying what I mean and meaning what I say. My stepfather always told me "Say what you mean and mean what you say." I guess what he was really hinting at was the importance of being sure.

One thing I am sure of is my relationship with God needs a makeover. I need to give that same level of commitment that I give to others in my life - that same yes - to Him. No one else really deserves that much loyalty. Of course being loyal to others is important. But not at the risk of missing out on what God really wants for you.

I made a decision 9 months ago that now I regret. I said yes to a good intention and now my life has been completely inconvenienced. Now the things that are important to me have been sacrificed again. I made a decision to help someone without asking God if I should. There are times when our attempts to help are interrupting what He is saying for those that we are trying to assist. And the person I tried to help ended up abandoning me to the winds of change, to the loneliness that I was trying to rescue her from, and to the realization that I should have gotten an "all clear" before I moved out of my own place of rest.

So, it is not her fault. She never asked me to help her; I took it upon myself to be made of steel - to be Superwoman, to be the one that could be relied upon. What I didn't realize is that God may have wanted her to live through a tough season in her life with Him alone.

Yesterday, while I was considering the next move I have to make, she called for a favor oblivious to the fact that I am all tapped out at the present moment, that I tried to give her before what she was asking for (and more) as a daughter, that I tried to be present for her, and she apparently no longer wanted what I had to offer when it was being offered or she simply was so wrapped up in her own cloud of misery, worry, loneliness, and stress that she couldn't pay attention to what was right in front of her. So...although I felt bad for saying it, I knew that I had to say no.

The long and short of it is because I have had to move on, I do not have time to return to the person I used to be. Nor do I want to. I can help her, assist her, say yes later.

For now...it's no. I have to say no because I said yes prematurely last time and have had to pay the cost for moving, albeit with good intentions, outside of God's will for me. The truth is the grace to be the one consistently called upon only when needed has lifted for me. I am not readily available for everyone - not if I plan on becoming the woman of purpose I have to be right now. Because in the midst of trying to intervene and make everyone else's life easier, I forgot about me. I forgot that my focus has to be God and fulfilling what He is requiring.

And sometimes that means I have to say no sometimes.

Own Your Faith - Class #3

2008-10-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

This week's class started a little late because of my late arrival, but when I got there I was pleasantly surprised that more students had shown up. LaQuita, Brinn, and Mya were waiting with Bridgette. Chris came in a few minutes after I did. We headed to the gym, had a snack and then got started.

This week was a bit distracting as I had to rehash some of the details of the lessons we'd discussed in the two previous class periods. This is why I wanted, from the beginning, some level of commitment from the students so it wouldn't slow down the pace of learning. But, begin again we did. We didn't get away from the main character Abraham though we did begin talking about Isaac and his marriage to Rebekah, the continuance of the promise God gave Abraham, and Abraham's re-marriage after Sarah died. We stayed on the topic of marriage for quite a while, though I did try to rein it in.

I learned one thing this week - TEENAGERS HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT EVERYTHING! This is why my class works as more of a dialogue class, but I really have to keep them on track or we will be in Genesis until December.

About halfway through the class another student showed up. Marcus is one of the young people at the church that did a complete 360 degree turnaround when he gave his life to Christ. He became very serious about reading his Bible for himself, learning about God, and what a true relationship with Him has to look like for him to be successful in his Christian walk. He is truly one of the leaders of the youth ministry, and my hope is that I can keep him interested in the discussions as well as keep the others engaged. I pray God will help me teach all these students that are on different levels of spiritual growth. I hope that this class adds fuel to their spiritual fires blazing within.

Own Your Faith - Class #2

2008-09-25T04:47:00.000-07:00

The second class of "Own Your Faith" was such a tremendous blessing for me and for the kids too. I am not hung up over the amount of kids that showed up, honestly (only two this time - Bridgette and Chris again). I have been so inspired to keep conversing with them and teaching them about the Bible and what faith really means.

After debriefing for a bit about their day at school and what the best parts of their separate journeys were, I asked them a simple question about their favorite fairy tales. They named a couple - Chris even mentioned a myth he had learned about in his mythology class that day (Hercules). Then I asked them what a fairy tale actually was, what it was meant to do. We came up with the conclusion that fairy tales are stories that could never happen but still deliver a message for little kids to learn. My next question, as I placed my finger on top of my worn black leather Bible, was why is the Bible not a fairy tale?

Bridgette shrugged her shoulders and said as simply profound as any teenager ever could: "Because it really happened."

I smiled at her and knew then that she remembered the first lesson I taught them when the class began. The Bible is not simply a book you read and put back on the shelf. You read about the lives of real people that walked this earth and the God that intervened into their lives, desiring relationship with the men and women He made.

Then we dived in. Our character this week was Abraham. We had left off with Noah last time, and instead of reading the geneological listing of his offspring, I segued into the lesson with the message that God allowed all these generations to exist after Noah and the flood and you don't see Him selecting another man to carry out His mission on this earth. And then all of a sudden God decided to choose Abraham (then named Abram) out of his whole family along with his barren wife.

I asked them what they thought about that - the ability for God to choose a seemingly insignificant person out of a family and use him or her in such a tremendous way. I told them that they, like Abraham, were called by God to fulfill their own special missions on this earth.

After getting introduced to Abraham (Abram) and reading of God's designation for him to travel to another place away from his family and all he had ever known, we read and talked about God's promise to give Abraham and Sarah a son in their old age. Because we had already determined that the stories we were reading really happened and were true, we dissected what that had to mean to Abraham and Sarah to produce a son in their later years. I kept highlighting their ages - when God first gave the promise and when the child was finally born. Abraham was 100 and Sarah was 90 when their son Isaac was born.

And the kids got stuck there for a minute because after all, as I said over and over, 100 is still 100. Old is still old. I had the kids imagine a 90 year old woman giving birth to a child. That rocked their boats and got their minds to spinning. Those two kids really contemplated what a miracle that had to have been. We talked about the power of God to do the impossible in really difficult circumstances, and they really started to get it.

The next landmark we stopped to look at was the story of Abraham's willingness to obey God again and sacrifice his son. Chris said, "You mean to tell me the son that God promised, the son a 100 year old man was given, God told commanded that father to kill him?! No way! He didn't kill that boy, did he?"

I didn't answer his question; just told him we would find out. I laughed at his expression, his words, the way Bridgette shook her head in disbelief as she poked her nose into the pages of her Bible to see for herself if what I had said was true. The ironic thing was that the minister that spoke this past Sunday came from the same Bible passage (Genesis 22) and talked about the sacrifice of true worship. We began to dissect this passage indepthly as the kids contemplated what God was really asking Abraham to do to this promised child and Abraham's decision to obey.

They read for themselves, not waiting for me to read with them. They wanted to know the answers. And when they reached the part of the true miracle, I knew it. Chris sat back in his chair, smiling and breathing a sigh of relief that Isaac ( the promised seed) was spared. We talked about how God waited until just the moment Abraham was about to kill his son and then stopped him. God waited to see how far his obedience would take him.

This class was amazing, with just these two teens. They asked so many questions, I gave so many analogies and modern day as well as personal applications to the Words we were reading. And I could see the light bulbs go on. I believe they learned a little more about what faith in God really means. The disconnection between real life and "church life" was reconnected just a little bit when we began to talk about what Christianity has to mean.

I told them we as Christians believe in a God that can do the impossible, that has loved us so much that He gave up His Son in much the same way Abraham was about to, and that commands us to show that same measure of love to a dying world - to the people around us that are depressed, lonely, scared, isolated, and hopeless. That is our call.

I brought it home that way after talking about my own mistakes in this area. I told them how God taught me this same lesson the week before when I took a tour of a morgue in Macomb County and heard the story of one of the deceased men in that morgue that committed suicide, I could tell from the tears in Bridgette's eyes and the solemn look on Chris' face that I had touched them in some way. I can't wait to see the end result. I can't wait to see the Word of God germinate in their own lives.

I Am Not Sure Where I Stand

2008-09-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

I am a Christian. I say that from the start. I have truly been a lover of God and His Christ since I was a little girl. So there is no issue there.

But as I have been thinking about the changes my heart and my life need to make while I climb deeper into my 30s, I am not certain of the "other things" that being a Christian in this world means. We are identified by the churches we attend, the ministries that we affiliate ourselves with, the denominational platforms up on which we stand. I have attended three churches in my entire lifetime, rooted in different ways in the African-American community out of which I was culturally and spiritually born: African-Methodist Episcopal, Full Gospel Baptist, and Church of God in Christ. And on top of all that, I attended a colleged immersed in Reformed theology - which is a predominantly White denomination.

I never understood or wanted to understand any of the philosophies that make these churches or the school I attended so different from one another. I never wanted to be a part of separatism in any form, due largely in part to the isolation and loneliness of my upbringing. For me denominationalism breeds separatism which in turn breeds loneliness, isolation, and mistrust for others that may or may not believe the same traditional things. I always stood on the belief that as long as we agree that God is Who He says He is, that Jesus is Who He says He is, the Holy Spirit does what He was sent to do, and the Godhead Trinity still invades our sinful lives through a Bloody Redemption, there is nothing else to be concerned about.

Perhaps that is naive, but I am not comfortable looking for any other reasons to be defined as separate from others. Humanity divides enough by color, classism, racism, economics, and even demographics. The Body of Christ has no right to do that; we are supposed to stand on Kingdom Principles. That is our call.

Somehow that has gotten missed in the whole scheme of things.

I am encountering some truths right now about this. I am not so sure of what my commitment must look like to the world. I am not sure of the faith circle that I am to enter after my season is up at the church I attend right now. One resolution I am certain of is that my choice must resonate with God's will for my life, and I believe that He wants me to step out of the box of denominational walls.

I have been studying and seeking for about six months now. I am not seeking faith, in and of itself. I am seeking a place, a church that is not interested in being separated from other members of the Body of Christ. I have courted some expressions of Christian faith, such as the Emergent Church Movement and although I admire the stance some of the leaders of this movement take on social justice and faith matters, I am not completely convinced that is the place I need to be either.

There are so many elements to joining a ministry that people fail to understand. The one basic element is whether you feel comfortable, accepted, and yet appropriately challenged enough to grown in your faith in the church you choose to attend. I know too that most importantly is God's voice in the matter. I am a firm believer that if you are a Christian, you have to let God lead you in the right direction. Attending church is right up there with all other important decisions we are supposed to make.

So, right now I am listening and praying and seeking. I am reading a lot of books with my Bible, primarily ones that talk about journeying to new places in God, the search for a more grounded faith, and the importance of relationship with God. It is my prayer that in the end, I will know exactly where I am to be and who is to care for my soul in this next phase of my life.

My Return to Myself as Artist

2008-09-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't drawn pictures in so long that I almost forgot the enormous thrill of pressing a stick of charcoal or a colored pencil against a blank creme colored page of a sketch book. I almost forgot the almost out-of-body experience of getting lost in a picture - ignoring everything going on around me in order to capture the essence of that which I was reproducing on the page. I could stay there for hours as a little girl and then a teenager.

About a month after my mom's friend Jo died, I went to the Michael's Craft Store not far from my house and bought a 9 inch x 12 inch sketch book with those same familiar creme pages and a package of charcoal pencils. I already had a pack of colored pencils and a tin of pastels waiting at home. I waited a couple days before I started a picture. I wanted to remember the artist I used to be - the one that took art classes as a child, the one that pinned pictures to every available white space of wall in her bedroom as a teen, the one that painted pictures with acrylics and watercolors, the one who designed papier-mache' sculptures, and the one that loved the feel of cool clay in her hands as she shaped balls of clay into animals, people, vases, bowls.

I remembered her, and I knew that I had to embrace her again. I believed that I had received something from Jo as the last person to touch her face before she departed for heaven. I believed that I had received a mandate to return to myself, to return to the artist hiding deep within and covered up with so many other concerns - concerns that truly did not belong to me.

So I began to draw. The first picture I drew was of a woman's face. I felt like I was just practicing, to see if I still had the gift. I did. The next one is the picture that accompanies this post.

This picture was drawn as I watched my god-daughter Terryl-Lynn crawling around on her grandmother's bedroom floor. The picture was supposed to capture her as an 11-month-old, but the end result was of how I believed she would look within a year. And I realized that I was able to see as I used to; I was able to tap into that creativity and produce a work of art again.

This is one of my favorite pictures for now, but I know that this will not be the only one. The artist within is surfacing again. Jo would be so proud.

Jo's Artistic Transition

2008-09-16T06:02:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about my mother's best friend Jo Ann Russau lately. She was a great friend to my mom, who does not have very many close sister-friends in her life. She is a bit of a loner at times, and Jo helped pull the life of an artist out of her. My mother, like Jo, is an artist but not until recently did she truly tap into that potential lying dormant on the inside of her.

Jo herself was a great painter, living in the art district of San Pedro, California and teaching art at LACES High School in Los Angeles. She lived the kind of life I could only dream of living at this point and am truly pursuing now that I am making some poignant changes in my life to fully embrace the dual calls on my life of writing and creating artwork.

Jo died of breast cancer in May 2008. My mother and I had quickly flown to her side when we heard the news that she had started a rapid decline in her health. I remember the day Jo's sister Bev had sent a message through one of our cousins that Jo was dying and was asking for my mom. I walked into my mother's house all prepared to carry out the plans we had made for the day and found her sitting on the couch sobbing.

My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach because I knew that something horrible had happened. When my mother choked out the explanation, I sat down on the arm of her leather chair and just stared at her, unable to believe that this woman who had clearly made a major impression in my mom's life was leaving it so suddenly. I had heard that she was still going through chemotherapy for the cancer the doctors thought had returned, even after her mastectomy. I thought she was doing better, but apparently, she wasn't and the cancer was spreading into her brain.

My mom and I boarded a plane the next week at Detroit Metro so that she and Jo could have one more opportunity to be together. I did not want to believe she would die; I wanted to believe that God would miraculously heal her and stay the hand of death. But that was not to be. A couple hours before we were to catch our return flight to Michigan, Jo departed this life. She had spent some time with my mom during the two days we were there in her beautiful artist's loft staring into Mom's eyes mostly and not speaking many words, as we surrounded her with prayer and love and songs.

About an hour before she died on that early Sunday morning, I awoke from my air mattress positioned near her hospital bed and got up to check on her. Her humming and singing in her sleep woke me as it had the night before. However, Friday night she had been singing "Hallelujah" in such a jovial manner that though our sleep was broken we all quietly listened to her praise of God in rapt attention with tears streaming down our faces because although she was physically dying, her spirit was quite evidently alive and filled with adoration for God. Her cancer was not the most important element in that room. That early Sunday morning her songs of praise were not entirely discernible to my ears. She was not evoking praise through clear, understandable language; it was if she was humming only for God alone. It was also as if she were already in this magnificient place of praise and worship. You could see it on her face.

I stood next to her bed and watched her in the dim light of the lamp a few feet away, turned down low so as not to disturb our rest. But as I took in her form, listened to her humming quite expressively, I realized that she could never have been disturbed. She was consciously not there anymore. She was leaving; her eyes were closed and focused on a place I could not see. I paced the room praying, asking God what was going on. I stood across the room, stock-still and listening deeply to what was really happening in the spiritual realm. Then I returned to her side and gently rubbed her face, letting her know that someone was there.

She stopped humming momentarily but did not open her eyes. I knew that she recognized the touch and I smiled. When it suddenly got very cold in the room, I battled with staying near her or returning to my air mattress and covers. Returning to the air mattress won out, so after I covered her with a thin quilt, I laid back down.

I told others later that I had not been tired, had not been sleepy. It was 3:15 California time but 6:15 according to my body's clock. I was definitely accustomed to waking early for work. But for some reason, not even five minutes after I covered up with the blanket to shield out this otherworldly cold, I fell back to sleep. When I suddenly opened my eyes, my mind telling me that I did not hear her hum as my lullaby anymore, I sat straight up.

All the lights were on, and my mom and Bev were standing next to her bed. They both turned to look down at me as I stared up at them horrified. I knew what the silence meant. I knew what their silence and shocked looks meant.

I leapt up from the now nearly deflated air mattress and went to check Jo's vitals as my mom called her name over and over, patting her chest and rubbing her face. There was no response, no answer, no hum, no song, no breath...no life. Jo was gone - utterly and completely. Apparently, she had slipped away with her God between the time I touched her face for the last time and when her sister came downstairs to check on her, finding her very still and not moving anymore.

I thought it very significant that Jo left before my mom and I did. She left this world to be with her Heavenly Father. The artist that she so brilliantly was departed to be with the Greatest Artist of all.

I have been thinking of that weekend in May more as I talk to my mom about how she feels now that her friend is no longer here. She told me the other day that she still doesn't understand how God could take her best friend, how God could take Jo away. They had made so many plans for the future, and it would seem that those plans disappeared the moment Jo disappeared from sight. I did not know what to say to my mom; I did not have an answer for her. But what I could do was hug her because I was there when my mom had to say goodbye.

I will never forget the way my mother cried as she knelt beside Jo's body. I will never forget the fragility and brokenness I saw as she poured out herself before God, inwardly asking God what she was supposed to do without Jo and also who her true friends were. There had really been only one, and now she was in another place that felt so very far away.

I still have no answer. We have both lived through significant losses and still there is no answer as to why separation tears us apart internally. But every once in a while, I think back to the life Jo lived and the paintings she birthed and the portraits she produced and the place where she artistically lived and the students that she so evidently touched. And I also think of the ocean I got to see - the one she loved to walk near, breathing in deeply the smell of the salty air and watching intently the crash of the waves on the shore.

When I think of those things, I know that the essence of Jo, her truest form and richest expressions live on, just as surely as God's Presence lives on eternally. And though we must endure broken hearts, God has promised that He will fully mend and heal. He has promised and because I know someone as wonderful and artistic as Jo cannot just cease to exist - her spirit was just too vibrant - we will see her again. There is no other option. I choose today to believe that; I choose today to know that.

The beautiful thing about art, I have come to realize, is that even though we may have to leave this earth, that which we made remains as evidence that not only did we once live here...through our art, we still do. The painting above is Jo's proof of that.